


This Boy

by mclennunf



Category: McLennon - Fandom, The Beatles
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-10-31 22:44:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 64,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10908987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mclennunf/pseuds/mclennunf
Summary: A/U: In highschool Paul is not the most popular kid, with a rough background. He meets John Lennon, a more popular lad. John finds out Paul's secret, why he's so down.. Can he help him?Warnings: Trigger warnings perharps, smoking, swearing and sexual content eventually. obviously mclennon.





	1. Love Me Tender

Paul had a lot of things on his mind a lot of the time. The rest of the time he just felt.....numb. Paul McCartney had a rough childhood, what with his mother passing away, his fathers drinking and being bullied at school.

John was almost the same as Paul. But he was outgoing - popular even. John Lennon had no idea who Paul was. Yet, that is.

The two shared a class in the morning and their lockers were only separated by a three or four. There were multiple occasions where Paul had been shoved, punched or laughed at within John's earshot.

~Paul's~

I sat down in my usual seat, close to the front of the class so I could see. My father couldn't afford to buy me glasses, so squinting and looking like a teachers pet would have to do for now. "Bloody fag!" Someone coughed under their breath as they walked by my desk. I rolled my eyes. It's sad, but I had become used to the fact that nobody looked at me as anything other than a loser, a nerdy fag. With seconds to spare, George hurried into the room and threw his book bag down beside his seat. "Aye McCartney!" He sounded winded. "Aye, Geo." I mumbled.

After class, George and I shuffled slowly to our lockers. "Well, tomorrow night might work better for me, mate. Me younger brothers got his birthday today so me mum is makin dinner." George informed me. We were suppose to meet in the park to practice guitar and work on some songs. "I understand Geo! You don't need to feel bad." He nodded and waved as he walked out toward the parking lot. His place was much closer than mine. Suddenly, I found myself scattered on the floor and shuffling my books back together.

"Jesus, son I didn't even see ye' there, I'm so sorry," an older boy said as he stretched his hand out to help me. I looked at his hand and stood up on my own.. One thing I can't do, is touch strangers. Hell, I could barely speak to someone I didn't know. "S'ok," I mumbled with my head down. "Aye aren't you in me first period class mate?" He asked as he lowered his thick rimmed, Buddy Holly like glasses. "Uh, I-I-uh yeah, I am," I shook my head. "Well again, I'm sorry fer bumpin' yer books. Me names John, by the wa-" John was immediately cut off by the same boy who had called me a bloody fag in my earlier class. "Lennon! What are ye doin' talkin' to this bloody wanker? He's a poof dontcha know?!" He said as he nudged my books back out of my arms. I quickly scooped them up, and walked outside toward home. I didn't look back, but I could feel them watching me.

~John's~

I shoved Pete away and started following that small boy. I finally caught up to him. "Aye mate I'm sorry bout me friend back there he's a bit of a cunt." I said. The boy looked at me shyly and nodded. "You alright kid?" I asked. He nodded, "you don't have to uh-y'know, uh feel bad for me, I'm used to it...." I rolled my eyes.

This kid was odd.

Then I noticed his book had a Elvis Presley bookmark sticking out. "Aye! The king! You fancy rock n roll mate?" I asked him, trying to give the kid a break. I'd only ever seen him with that Harrison kid, he must not have many friends. "Ye, just learned blue suede shoes on me guitar." He spoke more clearly now. "You play?! I do too! Maybe we should jam sometime!" I stopped in my tracks. We had walked to the turn to Mendips, where I lived. He turned, "Ye, maybe, I'll see ya round John. I'm Paul, Paul McCartney, by the way." He began mumbling again.

~Paul's~

I began to walk away from John. It's not often somebody just talks to me and tries to befriend me like that, it made me uneasy.

I lied in bed stared at the ceiling. Something was just, off, about that Lennon kid. Should I trust him? Why was I questioning this so much, it didn't seem very likely that I would actually see that bloke again. 

...

I looked at my clock, 3:24AM. Why must I wake up like this?

I thought of John Lennon. For whatever reason. Maybe his kindness made a bit of an impact. Maybe I wanted to see him again. Maybe I wanted another friend? George was a great friend, but he was also my only friend. I was not his only friend. That didn't bother me, though. I had no need or yearning for attention. I was happy on my own. Stupid 3AM thoughts.

I gazed across the room and saw my guitar. I had the urge to get up and play it, but it was so early my father and brother would not appreciate this. I stood up and put my jeans and a hoodie on and began to crawl out my window. A walk would do me good. As I began to walk down the road, I noticed just how dead Liverpool was around 4AM. I wasn't surprised, really. I guess I could sing to myself, nobody could hear me. Nobody had heard me sing beside George, and he fancied my voice.

_Love me tender_

_Love me sweet_

_Never let me go_

_You have made my life complete_

_And I love you so_

_Love me tender_

_Love me true_

_All my dreams fulfilled_

_For my darling I love you_

_And I always will_

Suddenly I wasn't the only one singing. I turned the corner, and there was John Lennon, sitting on a bench facing the docks.

_Love me tender_

_Love me long_

_Take me to your heart_

_For it's there that I belong_

_And we'll never part_

_Love me tender_

_Love me dear_

_Tell me you are mine_

_I'll be yours through all the years_

_Till the end of time_

I sat down beside him, he reeked of alcohol. "Figured I'd be the only one out 'n about at this time, McCartney." John shoved me with his shoulder a bit, and surprisingly, his touch didn't make me panic. He almost made me feel....calm. Although, I did notice the flask in his hand. "What's got you up?" He asked. "I-ugh, just couldn't sleep, y'know, just couldn't shut off my mind..." I mumbled.

~John's~

"Ye' mumble a lot, kid. But hell, ye've got some amazing pipes on ye." I said. Paul had big doe eyes, almost looked like a bird. He nodded. We both looked up at the stars. I looked over at at the young lad, and smiled. "You're a wee bit broken, ain't ye?" I laughed. He slowly looked down to his boots, and cocked an eyebrow. He began to shift uncomfortably. "M sorry lad, your eyes just have some pain behind em, and I've seen ye get pushed n shoved round at school." I said, and sipped on my flask. Pure whiskey, thanks to Aunt Mimi's stash.

"Meh, I'm used t'it. M'not sure why you of all people decided to be nice to me.." Paul was speaking more clearly. "It's only cause yer pretty," I laughed and took a long swig. This little boy was talented, beautiful even... Jesus Christ what was I thinking?! I took another long swig of whiskey. "John, s'not much my business, but why are ye drinking whiskey? Yer only what, 17?" Paul said, as he actually looked at me, showing off his big hazel eyes. I took another swig before answering. "When ye've dealt with as much as I have lad, you'll be drinkin' whiskey too." I admitted. Paul's eyes didn't come off me. I assumed that meant that he wanted some. I pointed the flask toward Paul. His eyes looked down at the flask and back up at me. He took it, looked down the flask, and took a long swig. "Wow, I wish I'd found this a long time ago..." the whiskey had clearly already gone to Paul's head. "Eases the pain, dunnit?" I half laughed. "What are you doing out here at this time, John?" He asked as he took another swig and handed the flask back to me. "Me Aunt told me, 'John Lennon, you stop the coming home so late or you do not come back into my home!' And I said something naughty and left," I did my best posh accent to mock Mimi. "So ye live with yer aunt then?" Paul asked.

That was the tip of the iceberg. "Aye." I nodded. "Well, Lennon.. I believe the sun will be making an appearance soon. Would you like to come have a kip at my place?" Paul offered, again hypnotizing me with his hazel doe eyes. They had a small hint of drunkenness behind them. "Jesus, Paul I've only known ye a day!" I joked and looked down at my feet, "but I mean.. if that's no problem. I don't know where else I would go, honestly." I mumbled. Paul nodded and stood up. "C'mon then," this was the first time I'd seen this kid smile, and my god... it was captivating. I couldn't deny it. Ah, it must've been the whiskey making me feel like a poof. Or the fact that Paul had such feminine features.

I followed the younger boy until we reached his flat on Forthlin road. I'd passed this house hundreds -no, thousands of times. I followed Paul through the window into his dimly lit bedroom. The first thing I noticed was his guitar, gently leaned against the wall beside his bedroom door. I smiled a bit. Then I noticed a small notebook that said "Songs" on the front. I smiled a bit more. Paul must have notice me looking at it, because he immediately picked it up and put it in his top drawer. He grabbed a blanket and pillow off his bed and put them on his small love seat. "This alright, John?" He asked me. "Ye son, that's great.." I mumbled.

We lied down in the dark, in silence. I was comfortable, that was not the problem. It was the sound of Paul's nightmares. The poor kid, I would be mad and annoyed if it were anyone else, but I obviously had a soft spot for Paul. I wanted to get up and hold him and tell him everything was okay. I had no idea who Mary was, but he said her name a lot.

~Paul's~

I shot up from a dead sleep, covered in sweat. I hoped that I wouldn't have a nightmare with John sleeping on my love seat, but of course I did. Maybe he hadn't noticed. I looked over at him, and he seemed to be sleeping soundly. I got up and snuck to the bathroom to wash the sweat off my face. This was basically a nightly ritual for me at this point.

I tip toed back into my bedroom, to see John sitting up, rubbing his eyes. "Ye alright lad?" He asked me. I nodded and climbed back under my blanket. "Who is Mary?" He blurted in a whisper. He had obviously heard me talking in my sleep. "Erm, M-Mary was, ugh- me mum." I mumbled. John nodded his head, clearly hearing the word 'was'. "Sorry son, ye don't have to talk 'bout her." He said back, crossing his legs now. John just looked like he was ready for a conversation. Maybe I could open up to him... for some reason, he made me feel comfortable and safe. These were things I hadn't felt since my mother had died.

"She was really sick, for a long time. I went to visit her after surgery, and uh-she was bleedin' through her sheets. Didn' make it. Me Dad likes his scotch a bit much now, and me younger brother has nobody to look up to other than his pathetic older brother." I blurted out. I hadn't uttered those words to anybody, ever. I looked up at John, and our eyes met. His eyes almost pierced through me. "Yer not pathetic, Macca." John said to me, his eyes not leaving mine. The nickname made me feel calmer. I could tell neither of us wanted to break the stare. "Me dad left when I was wee, and me mum passed not to long ago too. Hit by a drunken copper. Broke me heart, haven't been able to fix it. Because I'm sure you were wonderin' why I live with Mimi." John admitted. Our stare still hadn't broken. We were connecting, and in some way bonding over our deceased mothers. "M sorry 'bout Mary." John concluded, standing up and sitting beside me on my bed, still not breaking our stare. "M sorry 'bout... uhm?" I trailed off. "Julia. Her name was Julia." John let a smile creep out the side of his mouth. "Julia. Beautiful name, I do say." I mumbled. There was no breaking the stare between us, it felt too good. In a weird way, yeah, it felt good.

Before I knew it, I was waking up again. There I was, asleep on John Lennon's chest. His arms were wrapped around me, and I was clenching his t-shirt in a fist. I froze, I didn't know what to do. If I moved it could make things awkward, if I stayed it could make things awkward. So instead of doing anything I just closed my eyes. It felt like nothing more than a blink, but when I opened my eyes again John was gone and my father was beating at my bedroom door.

He was mad.

 


	2. We Can Work It Out

  
~John's~

Thankfully Mimi wasn't home as I walked through the front door. Thankfully Paul asked me over, or else I wouldn't have had any sleep and then would've missed school. He didn't notice me leave this morning, but that was probably for the best. Would've been an awkward conversation if we'd both woken up and noticed we had been cuddling... very awkward. 

I'd made it to school just in time for class. Paul was in my first class and I was excited to see him again. I walked in with my head high and scanned the room. Paul's little friend Harrison was there, but no Paul in sight. I sank into my chair, and felt my heart sink as well. Why wasn't he there? Would it be odd if I asked George? 

That class felt like it dragged on for hours until finally, the bell rang. I hurried out of the class and caught up with George in the hallway. "Eh Harrison!" I yelled to get his attention. His head whipped around and his eyes widened when he realized it was me yelling his name, "Uhm... can I help you, Lennon?" He stopped and raised an eyebrow. "S'not often that you're friend McCartney misses class, he alright?" I tried to sound casual. "You know as much as I do, Lennon..." George sounded worried. I was worried. I had just been with him, and now he isn't showing up for school? I watched him set his alarm and everything.. Not good. "Why do you care, anyway?" George asked me. "I just noticed he wasn't there, son. He seems like a spot on kid, not the type to just miss class." I was starting to panic. "Well if it makes he feel better, I'm skipping class now to go check on him... because you're right, he doesn't just miss class.." George said as he opened his locker. "Mind if I join ye?... Second period is a drag." I asked him, and he nodded, still seeming confused about why it mattered to me. 

"First we best go see if his younger brother is here because he'd know what's up." George said as we walked toward the juniors wing. "There's his class, bugger it must've already started. I didn't even hear the bell." George swore under his breath. "Well I'll just open the door and you look inside." I mumbled. George nodded. I opened the door, and the tall scrawny teacher lowered his glasses "Can I help you, lad?" He asked. I looked at George, who was looking around the room. "Sorry sir, must've gotten the wrong room. M'new to school n'all!" I said in a daft, small voice and closed the door. "He's not there..." George shrugged, "I'm beginning to think this is serious, so if yer just doin' this for laughs you can bugger off." George looked seriously at me and crossed his arms. "No, no Harrison. I'd like to see if Paul is okay, now let's get over to his flat." I began to lead the way. "I didn't even know you knew Paul, Lennon." George blurted out as he caught up to me. "I do, mate. He's a good kid, just wanna help out y'know." I didn't want to make how much I cared too obvious to the younger boy. 

"This is it," George pointed to Paul's house. We began to walk up to the door and my heart started to pound. What if Paul didn't want to see me? That didn't matter at the time though. I just needed to know he was okay. Before I knew it, George was knocking on the door. It was silent for almost two full minutes before a small boy who looked like Paul opened the door. His face was beat red and his cheeks were tear stained. "GEORGE!" He flung his arms around George. "Mikey, what's goin on lad?" George asked him as he held his shoulders and stared into his tear-filled eyes. "P-Paul's in b-bed, h-he won't wake up," Mike was hysterical in George's arms now. My heart was racing. "Let me see 'em Mikey," George was obviously worrying too. Mike slowly went up the stairs, I wanted to tell hurry the fuck up, but this child was obviously shaken. He sat down beside Paul's bedroom door and nodded for us to go in. George opened the bedroom door, I almost wanted to close my eyes I was so scared to find out what was going on. But I couldn't blink. 

"PAUL!" George yelped. There Paul was, laying in his bed. Same clothes he had on when I left him, except his nose, lip, and forehead were bleeding profusely and his eye was swollen shut. I stood frozen in the doorway. George was lightly tapping Paul's cheek, telling him to wake up. "George he probably has a concussion.." I said quietly. George's head spun around "Go get some ice and some water." He scolded. I didn't want Paul out of my sight, but I knew I had to help. Mike showed me the way to their kitchen. I rummaged through the ice box frantically. "Mike, do you know what happened to your brother?" The words came out of my mouth faster than I could even understand. Mike was still crying. "What happened, son?" I knelt down in front of him. "I don't know, I-I was sleepin', n I woke up because Paulie was cryin' and screamin'...must've been daddy again..." Mike ended in a whisper. My heart almost shattered in my chest. I hugged the poor kid. "We'll make sure everything is okay.." I said to him. "Are you Paulie's friend from last night?" Mike asked me. I raised my eyebrows, "Uh- yeah, I'm John. Nice to meet you, son. Now let's go help your brother." I stood up and offered him my hand. He took my hand. Suddenly we both stopped when we heard George yell my name. Mike gripped my hand tighter and we ran up the stairs. My eyes were wide and still not blinking. Paul's eyes were open, but obviously wandering. "He keeps saying your name.." George told me. I walked toward him and took George's spot on the bed. "Macca?" I said as I grabbed his hand. Paul looked at me. God, he looked so broken. "What happened?" I whispered. Even my whisper made Paul flinch, he was in some serious pain. I looked at George, "We should take him to the hospital..." I mumbled. George shook his head, "His da' did this, Lennon. Him and Mike would be homeless..." he whispered for Mike not to hear. 

I knew he was right but I sure as hell wasn't happy about it.

 


	3. I Should Have Known Better

~Paul's~

I pretty much had no idea what was going on. All I knew, was that John found out about my dad. I was extremely embarrassed John saw me the way he did, but I was also extremely relieved he was there. George was keeping Mike occupied and John was still sitting on my bed with me. "H-how'd y'know to come?" I asked, weakly. John didn't reply, he just kept his eyes on me and shook his head. I could only see out of one eye. "Bloody hell, I've got a headache. You should go, John..." I mumbled and tried to roll away from him. I don't want this kind of attention from John, I have been fine and have managed on my own up until now and I can continue that way. 

I felt John's weight lift off my bed, followed by my door shutting. I hated myself for making him leave, I know he was just trying to help. 

\--- 

"PAUL MCCARTNEY GET OUT OF BED!" I felt my arm being shaken by a small hand. "Paul you're gonna be late for school!" Mike's little voice told me. I nodded my head and kicked my blankets off. I stretched and shuffled my way to the bathroom, my feet had never felt so heavy. I stared into the mirror - what a mess my face was. Both of my eyes were open, thankfully, but I was very badly bruised. I shrugged it off and got dressed for school. I rushed my way down the stairs, in hopes of having time for a cup of tea before catching the bus. My Dad was sitting at the table. I stopped dead in my tracks. Mike was standing in the door way, ready to leave, but I could feel his concerned eyes on me. "Good morning, James." Dad grunted. "M-morning da'.." He barely heard me. I grabbed my books off of the counter and rushed out the door. "GOODBYE TO YOU TOO, YE FAT GIT!" My father yelled down out the doorway as Mike and I ran down the sidewalk to the bus stop. 

"Are you going to be ok, Paul?" Mike questioned, obviously focused on how damaged my face was. I nodded. "What if people ask?" Mike kept questioning. "I'm gonna keep me head down, Mikey. Don't chya worry about yer big brother, ye hear?" Mike agreed and we sat on the bus in silence. 

~John's~

I stood staring into my locker for a good ten minutes waiting to see if Paul was going to show up for school. When he did, my heart nearly stopped. He looked horrible, I just wanted to help him.. 

Paul walked in with his head down, and George close to his side.  _At least he wants George around._ I thought to myself, selfishly. I was being fairly selfish about the whole situation, though. When Paul told me to leave his house, I was mad. I wanted to yell at him because all I wanted to do was help. I wanted to hold him again.. My heart racing, I glanced at George and Paul. Paul didn't look away from the ground, but as they walked by George gave me a very subtle nod. I waited a few seconds before closing my locker and following behind them from a short distance. I tried to listen to their conversation, but I honestly don't think they were having one. 

I don't remember anything from our first period class. I stared at Paul for most of it, and for the rest I doodled nonsense in my notebook. The drawings were only done so that people wouldn't notice me staring at Paul. When the bell rang, I noticed Paul get up as quickly as possible and bolt from the room. Had he noticed me looking at him? Was he okay? I made quick eye contact with George "Harrison?" 

The teacher interrupted, "Can I see you a minute?" George agreed, and motioned his head in the direction that Paul went. I nodded and followed Paul. The bell for second classes had already rang, so the hallways were empty. Maybe he was in the bathroom? 

I opened the door and quickly lit a cigarette. I took a quick look around and saw nothing. I leaned against the counter for a moment, before hearing someone gagging in the farthest stall. "McCartney?" I hoped for his sake that it wasn't him. But I was relieved when he came out of the stall and acknowledged me. "Lennon." He nodded and proceeded to wash his hands and face. "Got a ciggie for us, lad?" Paul's eyes were still watery. I handed him a smoke and lit it for him. I noticed him avoiding the mirrors completely. "S'not that bad, mate.." I said quietly. He looked up at me, and laughed, "Not that bad, eh... It's pretty bad when the teachers don't even think twice when they see me with a bloody fucked up face. Not that bad..." Paul kept sarcastically chuckling to himself as he shook his head. 

I just wanted to help him. 

 


	4. The Night Before

~Paul's~

John and I stood in the loo for a good 5 minutes, silently. Neither of us knew how to express our emotions, we just stood there inhaling our cigarettes.

I was mad.

Not at John, hell no. I was mad at my father, I was mad at my mother for leaving, and most of all I was mad at myself for not being strong enough to avoid this situation completely. I now had to live with the fact that John Lennon knew I was nothing but a bloody punching bag.

"Uh, do ye want another ciggie mate?" John asked me, breaking the silence. "M-maybe I should go. I don't think I can sit through three more classes.." I mumbled. My head was pounding, there was no way I wasn't concussed. "Paul..." John walked closer to me and tried to make eye contact. I looked away, "What is it Lennon?" Honestly, why did he care? I rarely understood why George cared half the time. I was nothing but a punching bag. A stubborn punching bag. John used his index finger to lift my chin, and I flinched at the gesture but we made eye contact. The eye contact was intense. I suddenly didn't feel the pain inflicted by my father, and the pain of God taking my mother away. John lightly touched my heavily swollen, purple upper cheek. "Don't let him do this to you, Paul." John said lightly, his voice was so soothing. I wanted to curl up and have him hold me again.

I backed away slowly and began to walk towards the door. I couldn't let myself think things like that, all the more reason for my father to beat the living hell out of me. John didn't object, I think he knew that there was no stopping me. I decided to just go home, my father would be at work and I could just relax - perhaps ice my swollen face.

I slowly approached the front door of my home. Although, it didn't necessarily feel like home anymore. Mike was there, which helped. I used to feel safe knowing I was walking into my sweet home, to my sweet loving parents and younger brother. The smell of tea and freshly picked flowers overwhelmed my nostrils at the memory of walking into my home. Now, I was walking into a house. A house that smelt like nothing more than cigarettes and stale alcohol.

~John's~

That bloody McCartney. Fucking Paul. Bloody Paul fucking McCartney.

The damn kid had no idea how to open up and let me help him. Hell, the kid needed more than one bloody friend. Paul and I both knew that we connected immensely, so why was he shoving me aside? All I wanted to do is play guitar with him, write some poems, hold him until he didn't feel so down..... This wasn't queer of me, right? He's just a good mate, like a brother, really..

I stood outside the school after the final bell had rang, smoking a cigarette and waiting for George. "Harrison!" I said as he walked out the door. "Ye, Ivan I'll catch up!" George flashed the blonde boy his big teeth. Quite like fangs, typical Liverpool teeth. "What'd ye want, John?" George's smile instantly wiped off his face. "Woah, George, can't a mate just say hello to a mate?" I tried to sound casual, I didn't want to just jump into asking about Paul. But I wanted to. I needed to. "So how's Paul?" I mumbled, lighting another cigarette and handing one to George. "You probably know as much as I do, John. Paul doesn't talk after something like this happens." George muttered as he began kicking stones. "How bloody often does it happen - to this extent?" I said, pulling my cigarette out of my mouth and turning wide-eyed toward George. George shook his head as he stomped on his cigarette butt.

"More often than you'd think, mate.. More often than you'd think"

And with that, George walked away. It was obvious he wasn't comfortable talking to me about his best friends personal life. But bloody hell, I needed to know. There had to be something that I could do to help him. This was what I call overthinking and getting involved in someone too quickly. But who was going to give me a hard time? I'm fucking John Lennon.

As I began walking home, I thought to myself Paul McCartney would give me a hard time. I knew this was going to be a problem. I couldn't even walk home from school without thinking about the poor bugger. Used to think about birds, Elvis, rock 'n' roll and all that came with it. But now it was Paul.

That bloody McCartney. Fucking Paul. Bloody Paul fucking McCartney.


	5. Got To Get You Into My Life

 

~John's~

"John! Wake up, luv!" 

...

"John Lennon, wake up love!"

...

"JOHN WINSTON LENNON! UP!"

I jumped up, finally. "M'comin, Mimi!!!" I shouted toward my door. I stretched and groaned loudly, not wanting to get out of my warm bed. I did not want to go to school today. I did not want to see Paul. I made my way down the stairs, putting my glasses on just before Mimi could tell me to do so. "Good morning, sleeping beauty." Mimi joked as she placed a cup of tea and a plate with toast and an egg on it. "Wow Mimi, thank ye', trust ye' sleep well, then?" I laughed, shovelling the food into my mouth. "Don't forget to chew, John." Mimi sat down across from me and began to read the news paper. "Thanks again, Mimi, I'm off!" I stood and headed out for school.

I took the long way to school. For two reasons: One, I needed cigarettes. Two, I was avoiding Paul's route. I didn't feel like talking to him. I mean, I did feel like talking to him. I just didn't feel like being blown off by him again. Paul had a tendency to walk away in the middle of a conversation, so it seemed. 

I opened my new pack of cigarettes and lit one immediately. "Aye! Got one for us mate?" I heard from behind me. I swear to God, if one more little prick asks me for a god damn-- "John!" I spun around. "Harrison, here y'are son." I rolled my eyes and sighed as I handed him a cigarette. We began walking again, silent for a few moments. "M'sorry 'bout Paul, mate." George broke the silence. "What? Why in the hell are you sorry for Paul?" I asked. Paul. The name rang in my head for a few moments. "Well, I know yer just tryna help the git but he's been brushin' ye off. He may not speak much but he speaks to me." George admitted. So, Paul McCartney was talking about me, eh? "Nah, son, I couldn't care less. Just wanted t'make sure the kid was alright." I lied, I cared. 

I cared so much. 

"Just so y'know, he does feel bad. Just imagine the position he's in right now though... right? He talks about you all the time. He's not used to people y'know... caring about him." George mumbled. "Don't be soft." I laughed and flicked my cigarette. "M'not! That bloody kid has a brother who cares about him, and me. Now all of a sudden he's got some random bloke bending over backwards for him? E's not used t'it mate." George stopped in his tracks, realizing we were now outside of the school gate. "M'not bendin' over backward for 'im." I mumbled. "Ye, alright then, Lennon. Thanks for the ciggie mate. Catch ya later." George waved and walked into the school. 

What in the bloody hell gave George the guts to come and talk to me like that? Was I becoming the soft one? Clearly I was.

~Paul's~

"Mornin' mate!" George came up beside me and began to open his locker. I kept my face hidden in my locker as I mumbled "Mornin' Geo." He instantly grabbed my locker door and slammed in shut, and reached out to touch my face. "Fresh cigarette burn to the cheek, lad..." George backed up a little bit to respect my space. I nodded and fumbled with my hair. George shook his head.

We began walking to class, which was on the complete opposite side of the building. I kept my head down, as always, and watched my feet alongside George's. That way I knew where I was going. Suddenly George stopped about a foot ahead of me. I looked up and saw him talking to John. Fucking guy just knows where we are all the time. I stopped and watched what seemed to be a fairly awkward conversation between John and George. John obviously saw my cheek from over George's shoulder because he was staring at me. 

George walked back toward me and nodded backward toward John. I shook my head and George gave me a look that just said  _just fuckin' talk to him._  I rolled my eyes and shoved passed George, who disappeared into our classroom. 

"Fancy a ciggie break, McCartney?" John smiled. I expected the smile to be full of pity, but it looked genuine. I didn't speak, I just nodded and followed beside John to the door. "Man of very few words, y'are." John said as he handed me a cigarette as we sat down on a bench. I nodded again. "Thanks, John." I mumbled. "My, my! Yer voice is back, baby!" John mocked me, and I rolled my eyes. "Whaddya want, Lennon?" I spoke more clearly. "That's not how ye talk to yer elders, son!" John clearly just wanted to make me smile. I gave him a quick smile out the side of my mouth. 

"Look, Paul.. I just want to help you out. You're a nice lad and I don't like seeing you the way you are. Cigarette burns on yer face, mate... it ain't right." John admitted. He looked away from me while he spoke. "Dunno, son. I thought we could be mates, y'know. Ye picked me over George when ye woke up, y'know?" John looked back up at me as I took a long drag. "What?" I was confused now. "Paul.. After we found ye in yer bed, George was helpin' ye and ye kept calling for me." As he spoke I felt my heart quicken and my cheeks flush from embarrassment. "O-oh, I-ugh," I tried to muster some kind of words together but I just took another long drag instead.

We sat in silence for another few minutes. Until John handed me another cigarette. I found some courage after the first drag of the second smoke. "I dunno why I asked for you, Lennon." My words were becoming clearer and clearer, must mean I'm getting more comfortable with John. "Me neither, but I was there. Anytime, y'know, at all I'll be there..." John murmured while slicking his hair back. "John we barely know each other. Why?" I was being blunt, but I needed to know I needed to know why he cared to damn much and why I wanted him around so much. 

"Dunno, McCartney... Dunno." John admitted as he shook his head. 

 


	6. Till There Was You

 

~Paul's~

After classes, I stood with my head in my locker again - waiting for George so we could walk home together. He was taking much longer than usual, and I began to grow impatient. I opened his locker and stole the pack of cigarettes he hid in there for, as he would call them, stressful occasions. That kid had nothing to be stressed about. Except maybe the fact that his best friend was a punching bag. 

I went outside and sat on the bench where John and I had smoked together earlier. 

John...

He seemed all tough and rugged on the outside, but by this point I knew that it was nothing but a mask. John was a caring person. Maybe not for many people, but when he cared, he cared HARD. I really didn't need him watching over me though, as much as I enjoy him.. George finally stumbled out of the school. 

"What in the bloody hell took ye' so damn long?" I asked as I stood up to walk home. "Almost got into a bloody row, mate. Short little bugger from a few grades ahead wouldn't shut his mouth." George mumbled as he snagged his cigarettes back from me. "What was 'e sayin'?" I asked him. Usually, when George was in these situations, it had something to do with him sticking up for me. He's taken a few too many blows to the face because of me. I appreciate him sticking up for me, but it's not a nice feeling. "He kept goin' off 'bout that  _fat little McCartney kid_ with all the bruises and how e'd love to kick your ass. He shut up right quick when I got up in his face, y'know! E's a fuckin' short little blue eyed meanie." George was very proud of himself. 

"Stop sticking up for me." I mumbled as we got close to George's house. "As your knight in shining armor, it is my humble duty to do so!" George mocked me, I rolled my eyes at him. "I can handle it mate." I told him as he began walking up his walkway. "Ye act like ye can mate, but it's takin' a toll on yer bloody mind!" George said as he smiled and waved. I brushed it off and headed towards my house. Jim's house, sorry.. 

"Mike? You home?" I shouted as I walked in the door. "Paul?" I heard his small voice and went up to his room. He was sitting at his desk doing homework. "What's up lad?" I asked as I sat down on his bed. "Just working on some homework, are you okay? Please stop letting this happen Paul, it's not okay, John told me that--" I immediately cut him off. "John told you WHAT?!" I stood up. Why in the hell was he talking to my little brother? 

"He said the next time something happens to call him... I have his number right here..." Mike pulled a crumpled up piece of paper out of his pocket. 

Wow. John Lennon was getting himself in way too god damned deep. 

~John's~

I was lying on my bed when I heard the telephone ring. My heart almost stopped, was it Mike calling to tell me that Paul was in trouble? 

I may have crossed Paul's comfort zone by telling Mike to call me, but at this point I didn't really care. I ran and answered the phone before Mimi could. 

"Hello?" 

"John?" It was Paul. "Hey McCartney, what's up?" I asked hesitantly. He obviously found out I gave Mike my phone number. 

"Mind yer own fuckin' business." Paul said, sounding more confident than I've ever heard him before, and the line went dead. 

Fuck that, I was only trying to help the bugger. He knew I cared about him...He knew we had some kind of connection. I began to think he was trying to push me away. Maybe Paul was afraid of caring for yet another person who would see him hurt. I put my leather jacket on and boots and stormed out the door without telling Mimi. I wanted to talk to Paul and tell him to swallow his god damn pride and let me be there for him. 

I knocked quite loudly on the door. Paul's father answered. He reeked of alcohol and cigarettes. Poor Paul and Mike, that's not a nice smell to come home to. 

"What're ye sellin'?" Jim asked me rudely. "Nothing, sir, I'm looking for my mate Paul." I said as I began to grind my teeth. This man deserved a good punch. Jim nodded his head and walked back toward the staircase. "PAUL! C'MERE!" Jim yelled to get his son's attention. I watched Paul wearily come down the first few stairs before noticing I was standing there. His shoulders sank. "If yer goin' out don't fuckin' bother comin' back tonight. I don't want ye wakin me up, doors gonna be bloody locked!" Jim yelled to Paul as he walked into what I assumed was the kitchen. 

"Wanna go fer a walk?" I asked Paul. He sighed and nodded his head. "Ye let's get the hell out of here..."

I didn't understand why he had been so rude to me on the phone and then was totally okay with hanging out with me. This kid was back and forth. Maybe he was confused. 

I sure as hell knew I was. 

 


	7. Strawberry Fields Forever

 

~Paul's~

"Where are we going?" I asked. We had been walking for 15 minutes now, silently. "Strawberry fields, mate. Now, are you gonna tell me why you were such a prick on the phone? Hangin' up on me 'n shit!" John said with a hint of humor, but I could tell he was being serious. "I just don't think you need to know when my Dad decides t'hit me." I shrugged. "Just tryna' help, Macca." 

There was that nickname again. 

"This is where I come sit. Usually to play guitar when Mimi's gotten sick of hearin' it." John lied down on his back and gestured for me to join him. I did, slowly and hesitantly, but I did. "John, I just don't want you to get in the middle of something. I don't want you to get hurt..." I said as we both stared up at the stars. I suddenly felt his eyes on me. "I won't get hurt, Macca. I'm just trying to make sure you don't keep gettin' hurt." John said quietly. "Sounds like you've gone soft, Mr. Lennon." I joked. "Come off it!" I looked at him and saw the biggest smile on his face. It sure as hell was contagious, because I began smiling too. 

"I think that's the first time I've seen you actually smile, Macca..." John said as he stared at me. "Ah, don't get used to it." I mumbled and looked away. John sat up and looked down at me. "I'll make sure to make you smile at least once every single day." John grinned. "Really? That sounds like a difficult task, Lennon." I chuckled a little bit, trying not to smile again. "I promise." John went serious and lied back down beside me. 

We lied there in silence for a while, until finally I began to relax and doze off. I woke up and it was much darker, with far more stars in the sky than before. I looked down to find my fingers intertwined with John's. My eyes widened as I looked over to him. John was awake, and staring at the stars. I didn't pull my hand away from his, we just lied there holding hands. After a while, I felt his thumb start to lightly rub my hand. 

I hadn't felt this calm in years. 

"Paul?" John broke the silence, it was almost frightening. "Ye?" I mumbled back. "I don't care what ye say, I'm going to make sure that you're safe." John sounded more sincere than before. I didn't speak, but I think he knew that I had accepted that. I felt his hand become loose, and I tightened my grip, I didn't want to let go. "Macca..." John was the one mumbling now. I raised my eyebrow at him as I sat up next to him. "Don't let go of me." I whispered, not making eye contact. John chuckled silently "Never, m'love." He said as he tightened his grip on my hand and shuffled himself closer to me. 

We were now sitting cross-legged across from each other. John was holding both of my hands in his and I was staring at them. He had beautiful hands. 

I could feel him staring at me. "What are you thinking about, Paul?" John asked me. "N-nothin," I lied. "Paul...?" He hinted again.

"I'm not used to being this vulnerable." I blurted out. 

"It's okay, Paul."

~John's~ 

"Would you like me to take you home?" I asked Paul. It was getting very very late. "Uh yeah.." Paul mumbled as he stood up. I could tell he didn't want to let go of my hand, but I let go anyway. We couldn't walk down the street like that. Paul's head hung low like it did when he walked through the hallways at school. I stuck my elbow out to link arms with him. He smiled and got fairly close to me. "Ah, another smile. That's two in one day." I chuckled and shoved him a little bit. "John, what are we doing?" Paul asked as he looked at me with his wide eyes. "I believe I said I was taking you home!" I joked. I knew what he meant but I wasn't ready to go there. "Don't be daft, Lennon..." Paul mumbled. 

"I have no idea, Paul. I just know it's making me happy." I mumbled and tried not to look at him. "Mhm.." Paul grumbled. We approached his house, and Paul spun around and stared at me. I lifted his chin with my index finger and gazed into his beautiful eyes. "Be safe, Macca." I whispered, close to his face. Paul nodded, hesitantly. He slowly turned away and walked toward the door. I began to walk away when I heard someone yell. "GOD DAMN IT, KID, I FUCKIN' TOLD YE NOT TO COME HOME!" 

I spun around and ran back toward Paul's house. The door was still open and I could see Paul. He turned around and saw me approaching the door. "Paul, c'mon love come with m--" I tried to say before his father was right behind him and Paul slammed the door shut before I could get to him. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!" I yelled as I punched the door. I tried to calm myself down so I could listen in and hear what was going on. I didn't hear anything. I didn't hear anything for an hour. For an hour and a half. Two hours. 

I dozed off on the front step, when  _finally_  I heard something. The drainpipe. Paul. I ran around the side of the house to see Paul climbing down the drainpipe out of his window. I stood at the very bottom and as soon as his feet touched the ground I pulled him into my arms. Based on how he was breathing, I knew he was crying. "Macca... What happened?" I whispered and pulled him away so that I could look at him. His lip was split, and his nose was covered in dry blood. "You bloody know what happened John." Paul mumbled. "Why would you close the door? You knew I could've helped you, at least gotten you away from him, Paul for fuck sake!" I began to raise my voice, and Paul coward away from me. "I told you I didn't want you hurt.." Paul was still trying to pull himself together. Now I was mad. "I fuckin' told ye' I would make sure you were safe, fer fuck sake Paul," My mind began to race like it always does when I get mad. Things began to blur together, and I knew I had to get away from Paul before my temper got the best of me and I hit him. I began to walk away kicking rocks and grass and swearing under my breath. "John!" Paul called out from behind me. I didn't slow down, but his pace quickened. "John! Please." I heard him repeat himself a few more times before I ducked into a dark alleyway. I was sure he would give up, but he didn't. I tried to collect myself by closing my eyes and turning the voices in my head off. When I opened my eyes again, Paul was standing in front of me. 

"Are you okay?" He asked, lightly. 

"Yes." I lied.

"John...I'm sorry.." Paul ran his fingers through his hair and tried to keep himself from looking at the ground. His safety mechanism. 

His voice was soothing, I began to feel better. Not completely, I was still mad. But I was contained. I noticed he began to let his head dip down toward the ground. I stopped him with my index finger meeting his chin. His wide eyes looked at me. They looked right fucking through me. 

I pulled his face closer to mine and I kissed him, one small light kiss. Our lips barely touched. I pulled away for a moment to make eye contact with him to see if he was okay with it.

"John?"

"Yes Paul?" I whispered. 

He leaned in and closed the space between our lips with a much harder, more passionate kiss. I felt him melt into my chest, and we broke the kiss. "Don't let go of me." Paul said, the same way he had earlier in Strawberry fields. 

"Never, m'love." 

 


	8. Blackbird

 

~Paul's~ 

John took me back home after our moment in the alleyway, and he watched me climb up the drainpipe. I stopped in my windowsill for a moment and looked back down at him. John grinned out of one side of his mouth and said "Until tomorrow, m'love." 

I slept like a rock for all of the three hours I slept before having Mike run into my bedroom to wake me up again. "Christ, Mike...I'm up.." I grumbled as I began to stretch. I thought about last night.My dad, Strawberry fields, John.... Our kiss. We kissed. Immediately I began to panic. I kissed John Lennon, a fucking guy. Maybe getting close with him was a mistake. It sure as hell didn't feel like a mistake. 

Mike and I began to walk to school. "I heard you climb out of the window last night.." Mike mumbled. "Don't fuckin' say anything to Dad. Please, Mike.." I said, nervously. "Shh, Paul I won't. Did you go see John?" He asked me. "Yeah... Yeah I did." I said as my heart fluttered a little bit just hearing his name out loud. We got close to the school when I decided I would hang back and be a little later than usual so that I could smoke. I didn't like to in front of Mike. "Have a good day, lad." I said as Mike spun around to wave and me, and walked into the school. "McCartney!" I heard from behind me. My heart stopped. I spun around to see that little blue eyed kid that George had gotten into a bit of a row with before. I rolled my eyes and went back to lighting my cigarette. "I'm talkin' to ye' y'know!" The kid said. "I don't even know you, just bugger off." I mumbled and began to turn away. I felt a hard shove on my back and I stumbled forward. 

"HEY!" 

I heard from a distance. John. 

John ran up beside me with a cigarette, obviously winded. "Fuck off, would ye?" John said as his jaw flexed. "Ah, fuck off Lennon, just tryna' have a bit of fun." The kid was ballsy enough tell John to fuck off, apparently. "Ritchie, I said fuck OFF." John said, almost nose to nose with him. Ritchie, as I just found out his name was, rolled his eyes and walked away. John spun around and lifted my chin with his index finger, his signature move. "Are ye' alright?" He asked me as he smiled. I nodded. "Ye don't need to protect me y'know." I mumbled as I pulled a second cigarette out and lit it. John rolled his eyes, "What, so you can let them push you around? You don't stand up for yourself." He said, sounding slightly annoyed. "Come off it." I chuckled a little bit, trying to lighten the mood. "C'mon, Paul. We're late." John said quite seriously. "Since when do you care?" I asked. "Since yer father will kick yer ass if he gets a phone call sayin' you've missed class." John spat back. I stopped and looked at him, my eyebrow raised. "Well it's true..." John said as we entered the school. We didn't bother going to our lockers, we were already late enough.

"Paul!" I heard George's voice. I had completely forgotten about him. "George! Mate hey, listen I'm sorry I was runnin' late and then decided t'have a smoke with Lennon here." I said, I could tell by the look on George's face that he had been worrying. "I was about to go to your house.." George sighed. "He's fine, Harrison." John said blandly. I shot him a dirty look, and he shrugged at me. "We'll catch up tomorrow mate. Me Dad needs me help painting the living room tonight." I told George as we entered the class room, each one of us receiving a look of disappointment from the teacher. I sat down in my usual spot, and John sat down in his a few seats behind mine. I couldn't focus. My heart was beating extremely fast, but not in the same good way it did when John was around. Something was wrong. I began to breath heavily, sweating and I noticed my hands were shaking. I tried to put my thoughts together to calm myself down to figure out what was going on, but there was too much going on. I was having a full blown panic attack.

~John's~ 

I sat in class behind Paul and admired him, thinking about the wonderful life we could live. We would become famous rockstars, I could feel it. 

I started to notice something odd about Paul, though. He kept looking at his hands, which were shaking uncontrollably. His shoulders were moving up and down as if he had just finished running race. The bell rang, and everybody shuffled out of the room. The teacher took a few extra seconds to gather their books, but Paul didn't move. I slowly walked toward him and stood in front of him, but not too close. "What's up?" I asked hesitantly, noticing his eyes looking around the room extremely fast as if he was waiting for something to jump out at him. I slammed my hand down on his desk to get his attention and suddenly his eyes were locked with mine. They were full of panic. I touched his chin with my index finger and bent down so we were at eye level. "Everything will be okay in the end, Paul. If it's not okay, it's not the end." I said to him as I rubbed his cheek with my thumb. 

Paul sighed and I noticed his breathing start to regulate again. "C'mon, m'love." I stood up straight and waited for him to accompany me. "I-I wish we had a-all of our classes together.." Paul said quietly. "Just focus on meeting me outside at the end of the day and before y'know it, you will be graced with my lovely presence." I joked, and he smiled. "Ah! The first smile of the day. I told you I would be able to do it, Macca." I laughed and stopped in front of my classroom. "I believe you, John." Paul smirked and walked away toward his class. 

I walked into my second class, art. The only class that could keep me focused. Today we were painting and fuck, the voices in my head  _loved_  painting. It seemed odd to me, but as soon as I picked up a paint brush there were all of words and pictures in my head that I had to get out onto the canvas. I wasn't all that talented, but at least I enjoyed it and I got things out of my system. I had been suspended once because I painted a very obscene piece of a dead dog. God knows why my mind worked the way it did, but I truly didn't mind and it didn't seem like Paul minded. Although, he didn't truly know how my mind worked. He knew I cared about him and wanted to protect him. But, honestly, I didn't feel like I had to explain these things to him because when he looked at me it almost felt like he could hear what was going on in my head too and he accepted it. As soon as the teacher gave us the go ahead, my paint brush could've been flying I moved it so fast. I used nothing but different shades of blue. Blue reminded me of Paul. With every brush stroke, I heard _m'love, m'love, m'love_  in my head over and over with pictures of Paul's smiling face. 

Suddenly I started seeing his face all bloody, bruised and swollen and I began to hear his voice saying  _no, no, no._  I put my paintbrush down, there was  _no way_  I wanted to see what I would paint with those images in my mind. I took a few steps back and looked at my painting. It looked like a dark bluebird, almost a blackbird, with beautiful strokes of lighter blue behind it. There was one big slash of red on going across almost the whole canvas. I must not have snapped out of it in time. 

"John, this looks wonderful! Wonderful use of the blue, and I love the red stroke. Now John, what does this represent?" My teacher came up behind me and asked. "Oh, nothin'. I just did what my head told me, y'know." I smiled and shrugged off the compliment. "Come and pick this up after school ends, John. I think your Aunt Mimi would love to see this." The teacher instructed and I nodded my head. I couldn't be late meeting Paul, but I didn't want him to see this. Maybe he wouldn't read into it. 

The bell rang and unfortunately my favourite class was over. I tilted my head as I looked at my painting and smiled. Paul was a little bluebird, who looked just as innocent as the next. But there was a part of him that was almost black that he just didn't see. Paul was strong like a blackbird. He only sees the red that makes him a weak bluebird. 

I would make sure my bluebird saw himself without that red stroke of paint. 

 


	9. In Spite of All The Danger

 

~Paul's~ 

I was so eager to meet John that I almost forgot about George again. I stood at my locker and waited for him, getting antsy. "Aye Paul." George said as he walked up beside me and opened his locker. "I'm sorry mate.." I said, he still seemed upset. "M'not mad, mate. Stop worryin' so much. I've got detention though so yer knight in shining armour won't be able to walk ye home today, my sincerest apologies." George joked. I laughed, "How COULD you?!" We giggled and he closed his locker. "Why d'ye have detention?" I asked as I checked the clock over his shoulder. John would probably be worried by this point. "Ah, no real reason mate. I'll see ye tomorrow?" George asked as he began to walk backward, waiting for my response. "Yes, indeed Georgie!" I said and quickly started walking to the door where I was to meet John. I walked outside to find the one and only John Lennon. He was sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette and staring at what looked like a painting. "John?" I said, almost too quietly. His head spun around and his face lit up. "M'love, I though you'd never come." He stood and handed me a smoke. I wanted to hug him so badly, just be close to him, but I knew I couldn't. Not in public, anyhow. "Whattya got there?" I asked, pointing to the large canvas he had left leaning against the bench. 

"Oh, I painted today." John said hesitantly. "Show me!" I said, excitedly as I began to walk toward the painting. "Wait!" John grabbed my arm roughly. I spun around and stared at him, and tugged my arm away. "Oh I'm sorry m'love, I didn't mean to--" John began to speak but I was already walking. I walked right passed the painting and lit my cigarette. I could hear him getting close behind. "Paul I wasn't trying to scare ye er nothin..." John kept apologizing. I stopped because even though I was a panicky mess, I could tell I was overreacting. I waited for him to catch up with my eyes closed and when he caught up I could feel him next to me. He wasn't touching me, I could just feel his presence. It was a magnificent feeling. "Paul?" John questioned. I opened my eyes and smiled. "Two smiles, two days in a row.. I'm lucky." John smiled and we began to walk again. "Really though, what did ye paint?" I asked, pointing to his canvas again. He lifted it up and showed me. It was a beautiful painting with a dark bluebird and what looked like blue skies and cloudiness behind it, with a red line through it all. "Wow John, I knew ye were a good singer but an artist too? You've got it all." I told him. John stopped walking and I hadn't noticed until I was already a little ways ahead of him. When I didn't feel his presence. 

"John? What is it?" I asked him. "Uh, Paul.." John pointed to his left, to my house. I had walked right passed it without even noticing. I tried to laugh it off, but John saw right through it. He knew that even my subconscious was scared to go home. "Call me later, yeah?" John urged. "Come sit in the front room with me? Dad and Mike won't be home for at least another twenty minutes.." I suggested. John smiled and nodded, "Show me the way, m'love." 

We walked into the front room and closed the door. It was a dark room, no natural light either due to the fact that my Dad hated being woken up by the sunlight. He had put thick curtains up all over the house. John and I sat down and he pointed to one of my guitars. I nodded. He picked it up and began to play. 

_In spite of all the danger_

_In spite of all that may be_

_I'll do anything for you_

_Anything you want me to_

_If you'll be true to me_

_In spite of all the heartache_

_That you may cause me_

_I'll do anything for you_

_Anything you want me to_

_If you'll be true to me_

_I'll look after you_

_Like I've never done before_

_I'll keep all the others_

_From knocking at your door_

_In spite of all the danger_

_In spite of all that may be_

_I'll do anything for you_

_Anything you want me to_

_If you'll be true to me_

_In spite of all the heartache_

_That you may cause me_

_I'll do anything for you_

_Anything you want me to_

_If you'll be true to me_

_I'll do anything for you_

_Anything you want me to_

_If you'll be true to me_

"John... That was....wow.." I was speechless. I had no idea he was so talented at playing guitar. "Ye didn't write that, did ye?" I asked. "I did, yeah.. For you." He nodded with a shy smile. My heart felt like it stopped and I felt a smile grow on my face. John was still looking at me intently. His beautiful eyes took over my entire body, heart and soul. John had completed control of me... That scared me. Our noses were almost touching when he closed his eyes. "What is it?" I asked, hesitantly. John took a deep breath, opened his eyes and smiled. I put my arms around his neck and pressed my lips against his. This time, our kiss was much more sloppy and desperate. John's hands moved down my back and onto my hips, pulling me closer to him. I needed to be closer to him, this wasn't enough. I was addicted."Paul?" John whispered as he broke the kiss. I could hear someone come in the back door. "Don't let go of me." I said, although I knew he had to, but he knew what I meant. "Never, m'love." John backed up, keeping hold on one of my hands. "I'll be here at midnight, I'll climb up to yer window... okay?" John slowly let go of my hand as he spoke. I nodded. It almost broke my heart to watch him leave. 

I was in love with him. 

~John's~ 

My walk home seemed extremely long compared to normal, and I assumed it was because I really didn't want to leave Paul. Not only because I wanted to be as close to him as possible, but because I always worried about him being at home with his father. Especially this particular night, because he had to help his father paint. I should have offered to stay. When I got home, Mimi greeted me with a wide smile and a lovely dinner on the table. "How lovely, Mimi!" I sat down at the table across from her. "How was your day, John?" She asked me politely. Mimi was always as posh as she could be. "It was pretty good, Mimi." I said with a mouthful of food. "Been hangin' with that new little friend of your's?" She asked and raised an eyebrow. She almost looked suspicious. But, there was no way she knew about Paul and I. Whatever the hell we were. "Yes, Mimi." I rolled my eyes and pretended to be annoyed, when really, all I wanted to do was spill my heart out and tell Mimi everything. "Well, I have yet to meet him so please invite him for dinner soon." She smiled. I nodded, "Thanks Mimi, it's probably been years since Paul has had a nice dinner." I said, and instantly regretted my words. Mimi would want an explanation. "Why's that, John?" She asked right on cue. 

"Nothin', Mimi." I lied and took a big mouthful again. "John Lennon..." She scolded a little. I rolled my eyes. "Paul as a rough home life, if you know what I mean. His mother passed away, too.." I told her. She clasped her heart. "Oh the poor child..." She said as she shook her head. "I'll take care of dishes Mimi, you go read yer book." I smiled and began to clear the table. It wasn't often that Mimi and I didn't get along, but it did happen. I was very difficult to live with. Sometimes I wondered if she resented me for not being her son, and instead a burden. 

After I finished the dishes and tried to tune my guitar, I fell asleep. I dreamed of, yes you guessed it, Paul. I shot up out of my sleep and checked the time. 11:55pm. Shite, I was going to be late getting to Paul's. I rushed down the stairs, thankfully Mimi was asleep in her chair. I made sure to put her cigarette out before she burned down all of Mendips.  _Go faster, you bloody twit!_  I heard in my head. I rolled my eyes, sometimes the voices in my head were very prominent and tried to take control. But I tried to remind myself that it was nothing, the nowhere man version of myself that had no control. 

By the time I got to Paul's house, I realized all the lights were off in his house. That made me worry a bit less because at least I knew there was no way his father was up. I ran to the side of the house and looked up to Paul's window. Ah, just knowing he was in there made my heart warm. Suddenly, the light of his bedroom turned on and I saw his silhouette. "C'mon," He whispered. I climbed up the drainpipe and into his window. Before looking at him, I braced myself for the worst. I expected another black eye, bloody nose or split lip. But when I did look at him, there was nothing wrong. "You're alright?" I asked him, just to be sure. I didn't want to hug him or make any form of physical contact if he wasn't in a good place, y'know, mentally. "I'm good." Paul smiled and sat down on his bed, gesturing for me to sit next to him. I obeyed. I took his hand in both of mine and admired the calluses from playing guitar. I looked up at him and smiled, not letting go of his hand.  _What the fucking hell are you doing Lennon?!_  A yell in my head. I jumped and unfortunately, Paul noticed. "What is it?" He asked and touched my cheek. I shook my head and leaned into his hand. "I missed ye..." I mumbled and began kissing his hand gently. If he had been a bird, I'd be trying to shag him right now. But at this moment, I just wanted to love him. I wanted him to feel loved. 

"Can we lie down?" Paul asked me. I nodded and didn't let go of his hand as we lied down. He cuddled up to me with his head on my chest. My heart began to beat fast. "Nervous?" He asked me with a sly smirk on his face. "Nah, it's just... well, you." I smiled and kissed his forehead. "What is this?" Paul asked in a very silent whisper. I didn't know how to answer that. 

"It's Lennon-McCartney, m'love."

 


	10. Nowhere Man

 

~Paul's~

"Paul, yer dad is gonna be awake soon. I best be off.." John said as he shifted beneath me. My head was throbbing and I didn't want him to leave. "Can I leave with you?" I asked, not realizing how desperate I sounded until I had already said it. "I don't want t'risk you getting in trouble, luv. I'll see you at school in a few hours." John lifted me gently off him. I sighed and lied back down, watching him stretch and head toward my window. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked up at the ceiling, rolling his eyes as if someone was giving him shit. "John? Are you okay?" I asked, sitting up. John shook his head, "I'll be fine, Paul." He said blandly. "John..." I mumbled. He sat down beside me and sighed, grabbing my hand. "Paul, if I tell you something, you've got t'promise ye' won't change yer mind 'bout me. 'Bout us.." He whispered hesitantly. I nodded, "Anything, John." 

"I hear voices." He said, looking away from me. "Voices?" I asked, and he answered with a nod. "What do you mean?" I asked, trying to be as gentle as possible. John was opening up to me, and I didn't want to mess that up. "I hear voices. In my head. They usually yell at me, and try to control what I do... They don't like me being... y'know, with you." John said, his words flowing out perfectly. "Well.." I began to speak, but he cut me off. "I know ye think I'm a loony, and maybe I am, but m'not gonna let them take you away from me. They won't change me mind." John said. "I was going to say that when you begin to hear them, just tell them to stop. Take deep breath, and tell them to stop." I said, calmly. John stared at me for a moment, almost if he didn't believe me. "Want me t'walk ye home?" I asked him, grabbing his hand. "T-thank you.." John whispered, looking at my bedroom floor. I tilted my head, "John?" I hadn't seen him like this before and it worried me. "I didn't think y-you'd be okay with that... Mimi wants t'put me in a hospital, get me on meds." As John finished speaking, he grabbed my face and stared into my eyes intensely. "Paul, I'm gonna tell you something right now, that I want you t'remember." He said, rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs. I nodded, "Yes, John?" I waited for his response. John took a deep breath. "No matter what I say to you, no matter what I do... I love you." John said as he looked away from me and stood up. He shoved his hands in his pockets and closed his eyes. Maybe he was hearing the voices. But, when I tried to stand up and hug him, he was already climbing down the drainpipe. "John?!" I whisper-yelled down to him. John ran down the street and into the darkness. Bloody hell, John Lennon was off his rocker. But, John loved me. He told me that he loved me.. 

That was an odd feeling. A great feeling, don't get me wrong. I had just never felt this way before. 

I slept for the remaining few hours of the night, and woke up to Mike banging on my locked door. "Mike, shut up mate, I--" I said as I opened the door. I was greeted by a fist to the nose. I flew backwards and landed on my back, realizing it was my father knocking at the door. "Da'?!?" I yelled as he jumped on top of me. One hit after another, after another, after another. I began to see blurry. I felt him stand up, and felt a relief wash over me. Until I felt a heavy boot to my side. A rib definitely cracked. I looked up at him and saw his mouth moving, but I heard nothing. I saw Mike in the doorway briefly before he ran down the stairs. I prayed to God that he wasn't calling John. Finally I didn't feel anymore pain, I watched my father walk out my bedroom and down the stairs, followed by the sound of him slamming our front door. I tried to roll myself so I could hoist myself up on my bed but I felt a shooting pain in my rib and I seized up on the floor instead. Mike was in my room sooner than I could hope. "Paulie-Paulie?! Please don't close yer eyes, Paulie!!" I heard Mike scream over and over. I couldn't speak, I was in too much pain. "John is on his way, Paulie, he's coming for you okay?" Mike said as he tried to wipe some of the blood I could feel dripping down my cheek. 

I could feel my head rocking back and forth from one side to the other. There was a loud knock at the door, followed by Mike running out of my room. It must have been John.

Suddenly, John's face was in front of mine. He held my face in his hands. "Paul..." He mumbled and shook his head. "J-J-Joh-" I tried to say before writhing in pain, grabbing my rib. I felt the pain shoot up and down my body as John picked me up and held me close to his chest. He began walking, and I finally heard the shower running. He was going to put me in the bath. "Paul, you've gotta stay awake for me..." I heard him say before he set me down. Just as he was about to pull away from me, I dug my fingers into his shirt and managed to whisper "Don't let go of me..." I almost screamed in pain, but the scream would hurt even more. "Never, m'love, just stay with me." I heard John say in my hear before I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head.

~John's~

I held Paul's head above the water. He was still fully clothed, and the water was turning bright red. This was like a bloody horror film. 

I had forced Mike to go to school, I wouldn't want him to get in trouble with Jim too. I filled, emptied, and refilled the tub multiple times until Paul's bloody was pretty much washed away. I carefully picked him up, and although he was unconscious, he winced. I assumed he had a cracked or broken rib. I lied him down on his bed and wrapped him up in his blankets to make sure he was warm. The telephone rang.. was I to answer it? I did anyway.

"Hello, McCartney residence?" I hesitated. 

"Hello, Paul?" An older woman's voice asked.

"Uh, yeah?" I tried my best to mock Paul's voice. 

"It's Auntie, listen, yer father is here with me in Scotland and 'es not doin' so well. Will ye manage for a few days?" 

"Yes, Auntie." I didn't want to speak much, because no matter how hard I tried, I could not fake Paul's voice. I hung up. Great, Jim was out of the picture for a couple of days. 

"John?" I heard Paul moan from his bedroom. I nearly tripped over my own feet I flew to his side so fast.  _He doesn't want yer help you daft son of a bitch, leave._  I shook my head and touched Paul's cheek lightly. "I'm here, Paul." I said quietly, not wanting to startle him. "John?" Paul moaned again. I was getting worried. "Paul, love, I'm right here." I cupped his face. He finally found my eyes. "John...M' s-sorry.." Paul moaned as he struggled to keep his eyes open.  _Remember when you told him you loved him? And he didn't say it back? Take the hint, you bloody git._ I shook my head, took a deep breath as Paul had instructed before and quietly said stop. I climbed into bed with him and held him close, avoiding his ribs. I hadn't realized how tired I was until this moment. I knew he was safe with me, I knew Jim wouldn't be back for a few days. I fell asleep. 

I fell asleep for what must have been a few hours, because when I woke up, Paul wasn't there. "Paul?" I said, sitting up abruptly.  _See, he left. He doesn't want you. Nobody wants you._  I ran down to the bathroom to find all of Paul's wet, bloody clothing in a ball on the floor. No Paul. I ran down the stairs to find him in the living room, sitting on the bench in front of his fathers piano, hunched in front of the keys. "Paul?" I said as I slowly walked toward him. He turned and looked at me. "M done, John." Paul mumbled deeply. I stood fairly close behind him, silently. "No more.. I can't take it." Paul said, finally turning around and looking at me. The look in his eyes nearly broke my heart. "Macca..." I whispered as I sat down beside him on the piano bench. I wrapped my arm around him and pulled him in. I heard him wince. "Ah-I'm sorry," I apologized as I tried to pull my arm away. "No. Stay.." Paul leaned deeper into me. I was never going to let this happen to Paul again. I was never going to let him be in an unsafe place where I wasn't there to protect him.  _You'll snap and hit him one day, then he'll leave for sure._  I began to lightly press on the keys of the piano, and as I began to sing, Paul's eyes fluttered shut. 

Things were going to be fine. 

Paul had slept on the couch last night and I on the floor beside him. Mike had called to tell Paul he was staying at his friend Calvin's house, so that was one less thing for Paul to worry about. Paul had woken up in a surprisingly good mood, considering he had just had his ass handed to him the day before. "Good morning, John. Fancy a tea?" Paul said as he began to squirm on the couch. I nodded and stood up. Paul slowly sat up, wincing at the pain in his rib. I held out my hand and gently pulled him up. I pulled him into my chest and wrapped my arm around his waist, one hand brushing the hair out of his eyes. "I'm sorry I let this happen..." I whispered, staring at his plump lips. Paul shook his head, "It's not up t'you, John.." His deep, rugged voice made my heart skip a beat. I accepted the fact that I loved him.  _And he doesn't love you._ "John?" Paul whispered as I felt him place a bit more weight on me, he obviously was in too much pain. "Yes?" I said, kissing his cheek lightly. He didn't speak. I kissed down his cheek to his neck, down his neck to his collar bone. Paul tilted his head back and welcomed me to kiss his bare chest. I kissed back up his neck much slower this time, back to his cheek. I stopped right before I met his lips. Paul slowly moved his head so that our lips brushed against one another. 

"I love you, John..." Paul whispered against my mouth. I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders, and I melted into his mouth. I slowly pulled away and admired him for a few moments. I was never going to let his face be damaged like this again, it was too beautiful. "How 'bout that tea, huh love?" I asked him, and he nodded, not letting go of me.  _Waste of yer time, he's gonna leave ya._  "John?" Paul said as I helped him sit down at the kitchen table. "Yes, love?" I asked as I turned my back to him to fill the kettle with water. "Take a deep breath, and tell them to stop." He told me. I could feel his eyes on me while I took a deep breath and whispered stop. 

Thank God for him..

 


	11. Hello, Goodbye

 

~Paul's~

I walked to school by myself that morning, for whatever reason George hadn't met up with me, it was rare when John was on time, and Mike walked to school with his mate Calvin. This gave me time alone with my thoughts. 

So, I'm queer. I think I'm dating a teddy boy, but God knows. My Dad was away in Scotland for a few days, which was nice. I liked not having to worry about Mike. I had stopped worrying about myself a long time ago, though. When I arrived at school, nobody was there. I stood in the hallway, shocked. What day was it? Was I really that early? "PAUL!" I heard from around the corner. My eyes widened, but I didn't move. 

"PAUL! PLEASE HELP ME!" I heard again. It was John. "PAUL! PLEASE!" Suddenly he limped around the corner, covered in blood. I tried to speak, I tried to move, but I couldn't. It was as though my feet were cemented to the ground, and my vocal chords had vanished. "PAUL!" John's voice became more desperate. My Dad ran around the corner toward John. I was paralyzed. I couldn't move, I couldn't help John. 

My eyes shot open and I sat up quickly. Thank God it was only a dream. John sat up quickly and wrapped his arms around me. "Are ye okay?" He whispered as he pulled me close to his chest. I nuzzled into his chest and sniffed, trying to keep myself from crying. "You don't have t'tell me. Just know you're safe.." John mumbled as he began stroking my hair. I had never felt this comfortable in my life. "Paul, m'love..." He tried to move me so he could see my face. I shook my head, not wanting him to see my damaged, tear stained face. "Macca... Let me see yer face.." John pleaded. I finally gave in and looked up at him. "So y'can see my bruised, smashed up, crying face?" I whispered as I leaned my forehead against his. "No. So I can see  _you_." John pulled his head away from mine and lifted my chin with his index finger. I watched him examine my face. The cuts and bruises. His hand began rubbing my side, where my cracked rib was. I closed my eyes and soaked in this moment with him. "Now, m'love, we have t'go t'school..." John began to say, before I cut him off by pressing my lips against his lightly. He sighed and smiled into the kiss. His head snapped back and his eyes changed. They had love in them, and now they looked angry. "John..." I began. The voices must have been there. 

John close his eyes and took a deep breath. "Stop." He whispered under his breath. I began to try and stand up to leave the room, to give him some space, when his eyes shot open and he stood up and helped me up. "M'sorry..." John said quietly as he pulled me up. I smiled and kissed his cheek lightly. "Thanks for your help." I said as I began to change clothing. "Paul, as much as I wanted to walk ye' t'school, I have to go home. Mimi will be worried, plus me glasses are there. Not gonna learn much without em, now am I?" John said, obviously a little nervous about my reaction. "Yeah, ye best be off." I mumbled as I turned around to see him walking out the door. "Until next time, m'love." John said, and then he was gone. I listened to every step he took right up until I heard the front door open, and close quietly. I sighed to myself. Walking was a task now that my rib was cracked, getting to school was going to be a task, but the biggest task of them all was going to be explaining everything to George. 

I slowly waddled my way down the stairs and into the kitchen to make myself a tea. I still had sometime before I needed to start walking. It was nice that I could sit at the table with a tea and a cigarette. My Dad smoked in here so much that he wouldn't notice if I had. Oh god, my Dad. What if he found out I had been snogging a lad? Worse, what if he found out I was  _in love_  with a lad? I shook my head as I took a long drag of my cigarette. That was definitely something I shouldn't worry myself with. 

I jumped, suddenly my house phone was ringing. I stood up and slowly made my way over to pick up the receiver. 

"Hello?" I answered. 

"Paul? It's Auntie." 

"Hello, Auntie." 

"Paul, I've got to talk to you about something." 

~John's~

I went home and got ready as quickly as possible, hoping to leave for school before Mimi woke up. I put my glasses on and ran down the stairs toward the door. "John Lennon!" Shit, she was awake. "Yes Mimi?" I walked into the kitchen with a fake smile. "Is that Paul lad okay? You didn't call last night y'know. You best be going to school." She scolded. "Woah, woah Mimi. Calm down. Paul is okay. M'sorry fer not calling. M'on me way t'school now." I mumbled, grabbing an apple off of the table and walking toward the door. "See ye later!" I walked out the door. If I walked fast enough, maybe I could meet Paul at his place before he leaves. 

I was going to tell him I wanted to start a band. George could play with us, too. Just need a drummer.

Lucky day indeed for me, this was. Paul was just walking out of his front gate when my eyes caught him. "McCartney!" I shouted, fastening my pace. He looked at me and smiled lightly, hell, I wanted to kiss him right there in the middle of the road. 

"How was yer mornin'?" I asked, slowing down to his pace. He was mopey. But, then again, if I were him I'm sure I would be too. "Alright. Your's?" He was short and sweet. 

"My mornin' was splendid, Macca! I woke up next to this fine young princess. Had a lovely chat with me Auntie, ate a nice fresh apple for brekkie, and now I'm walkin' with a fine young princess, about to light meself a ciggie!" I got very giddy.  _Shut the hell up. You talk too much._  I pulled out two cigarettes, lit them both at once and handed one to Paul.

Once we arrived at school, I walked Paul to his locker. I stood at mine, and casually watched him and George. George had been waiting for him, obviously unaware of the incident that happened with his rib and all that, George looked extremely distraught when he laid eyes on his best friend. "Paul?!" He grabbed Paul's shoulder and twisted him so George could get a better look. "Why didn't you call?" George asked.  _Because his very queer friend was there to the rescue. Yer a bloody dumb cunt, y'know John?_ "I'm sorry, George." Paul sighed and kept his head down. What would it take for him to stop fucking looking down at the ground all the time when he's nervous? It drove me nuts. I liked to see his eyes. "Don't apologize, Paul.." George shook his head. They began to speak quieter now and I couldn't hear, which also drove me nuts. I watched them walk away to class, and I discreetly followed and sat down behind Paul. I took a scrap piece of paper and began to draw nonsense and doodles. I began to write, too. 

_Love, love me do_

_You know I love you_

_I'll always be true_

_So please_

_Love me do_

I smiled at the small piece of poetry. I slipped it into Paul's bag and smiled smugly to myself, he would love finding that later on. Maybe I could make him smile without even being there.

The day dragged on, and felt gloomy. But when I was standing outside smoking and Paul emerged from the doors of the school and looked at me, it was almost as though he was the sunlight. Everything around him became blurry and I saw nothing but him. I stared for what was probably too long. "Good afternoon, aren't you a sight for sore eyes." I grinned at him and handed him a cigarette. "Lovely mood you're in today, aren't ya?" Paul half chuckled as he lit his ciggie. "May I walk you home?" I asked, poshly and mockingly. Paul smirked, raised an eyebrow at me and nodded. "I hope you're ribs doin' better m'love." I said as we began walking. "Mm, not too much better. 'Least I can walk, y'know." It was nice to hear Paul seeing the positive in a shitty situation. _He sees nothing but shit in you, Lennon_.  "Aw, it'll go away sooner or later. I'll help." 

"John--" Paul began to say as we stopped in front of his house. I cut him off, needing to get this thought off my mind before I forgot and left. 

"Oh Paul! I wanted t'mention t'ya. We've gotta start a band, mate. You, me, yer mate Harrison! Then, really all we need is a drummer--"

" _John_ \--" 

"Which I'm sure wouldn't be too hard to find. Drums are easy, y'know?" I kept rambling.

" _JOHN_!" Paul stood right in front of me and stopped. I tilted my head. "Me Auntie from Scotland, called this morning." Paul began.

"And?" I asked. 

"I'm moving to Scotland." 

_What did I tell ya? Everyone leaves, John._


	12. Misery

~John's~

I felt sick to my stomach. My world was spinning. 

Our eyes were glued together. 

"P-Paul," I managed to whisper. I felt a lump in my throat, but I was not going to cry in front of him. _You're going to, you know you're weak. That's why he's leaving._ "No," I shook my head. "No!" I shouted and Paul took a step back. "It's me Da', John.. He wants me and Mike out there... with 'im and Auntie.." Paul said softly, as he began to approach me again.  _He's leaving._ "You don't love me." I said to him as I shoved his hands away from me. "John, don't say that.." Paul didn't try coming closer to me, he just hung his head. "No, Paul. Yer just like the rest of me family. Fuckin' off, nobody wants John!" I began to get angry.  _He's leaving._ I tried to walk away but he kept after me. "John, please let me fix this!" I could hear the emotion in Paul's voice beginning to break.  _He's leaving._ "FUCK OFF PAUL!" I turned around and shouted at him.

His eyes became wider than I had ever seen them before. I immediately wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him I'm sorry.  _He's leaving. He's abandoning you. He tricked you, you daft cunt._ "FUCK YOU!"  I yelled, unsure if I had screamed at Paul or the voices in my head, and stormed off. I couldn't think straight. My bluebird was leaving. 

When I got home I lied in my bed and didn't speak to Mimi. I thought about his face. His smile. The way he looked when I yelled at him... 

He shouldn't be with his father. Not here, not in Scotland, nowhere. I shouldn't have got so mad at him, maybe he wanted my help.  _He doesn't want you, don't you get that?_ I rolled my eyes and grabbed my guitar. I began trying to play the song I wrote for him, but broke down after the first verse. Paul was leaving and I screwed it up. I couldn't let this be his last memory of me. Maybe I would go with him?  _You can't leave Mimi, you twat._ Right, Mimi. Maybe George and I could convince him to stay. Maybe we could find our own apartment. 

I had to talk to him, I screwed up... badly. I rang his house and hoped and prayed for an answer. There was none. I called three times in a row, and nothing. Either Paul wasn't home, or he was avoiding my calls.  _Fuck him, he doesn't care about you._ I sat outside on the front step and smoked cigarette after cigarette until my lungs began to sting a little bit. It was getting dark and Paul had neither shown up, nor called him.  _Because you scared the little bird._ The phone began to ring. I jumped up and ran inside.

"Hello?" I answered. 

"John?" 

"George?" I was let down that it wasn't Paul. But why would he call me?  _Right._

"John... it's Paul, Jim came back today.." George began, choking up. "What happened?" My heard sank, and there was suddenly thousands and thousands of butterflies in my stomach. 

"He's in the hospital, John." 

I couldn't form words.  _Look what you've done. This is your fault._ "W-what happened?" I managed to whisper. "John, I think ye' need t'just come here, honestly."  George told me. This was obviously serious. "Y-yeah, mate. I'll be there soon..." I hung up before he could answer.  _Look what you've done. This is your fault._ "FUCK OFF!" I screamed as I grabbed my hair at the sides of my head and closed my eyes. I had to get to Paul. 

I caught the next bus, and anxiously stood at the doorway the whole time until the hospital stop. When the doors opened, I stood still for a moment. "Inn'this yer stop?" The bus driver asked. I nodded and took a step off the bus. I stared up at the hospital. What was I walking into? Paul could very well be dead by the way George sounded. George was standing outside the emergency room doors, with a cigarette. I lit one instantly and walked over to him. "Harrison..." I began. I almost could't form the words to find out what was wrong with Paul. George was shaking his head back and forth in disbelief. "Is he...?" I couldn't say it.  _Fucking say it, you pussy. You've killed him._ "No, God no John, he's alive." George said with wide eyes. "No John," George continued, "He's unconscious, worse than I've ever seen before... Jim hit 'im over the head with a chair, from what I could gather from Mike. He's right distraught, Mike is. I almost didn't recognize Paul though, John." He said, making it sound like a warning. "Mike insisted that I call you. I'm sorry if ye don't care t'be here." George said, throwing his cigarette away. "No. Take me to his room." I said, trying to sound hard and tough. My insides were churning and my mind was racing. 

I followed George into the hospital and we went into the lift. It was silent, the smell of stale cigarettes lingering off our clothing and the feeling of fear brimming in both of us. I hadn't even seen him yet and I wanted to burst into tears, but I knew that wouldn't make it any easier for George and Mike. 

When we exited the lift, Mike was sitting in the hallway on a chair, with his legs up beneath his chin when he saw me. "JOHN!" He ran into my arms. This was a weird feeling for me, I felt like I barely knew Mike, but i supposed that he knew I was protecting his older brother.  _Even though you've failed miserably at that._ "Where is 'e, Mike?" I asked, pulling away from the small child. He pointed to a closed door. "You can go in, I was in there, but it's too hard to see him like tha-" Mike couldn't finish his sentence. He ran over and sat down beside George, who wrapped his long lanky arm around the now crying younger McCartney boy. I stepped in front of the door and took a deep breath.  _You can do this._ A change of voice. 

I pushed the door open. I heard the taunting beep of a heart monitor. I closed the door, and turned around slowly, my eyes not leaving the floor. I stepped closer until my feet were in front of the bed. I took another deep breath.  _You can do this._ I looked up. 

There he was. 

Paul was attached to a bunch of wires and tubes, even in his nose. His eyes were black, his skin was as white as paper. I choked, and grabbed my chest trying to keep back the tears. "Paul..." I whispered as I got closer to him. He didn't look like Paul. His plump lips were covered in dry blood, his beautiful chubby cheeks were turning purple, they weren't their usual rosey colour. I grabbed his hand. "Paul, I'm so sorry..." I began to whimper. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. "I'm so sorry... I shouldn't have yelled at you, I could've avoided this if I wasn't so bloody daft... Ye gotta wake up, I can't loose you..." I rested my head on his hand as I sat down in the chair beside his bed. 

The door opened and a doctor walked in accompanied by a few nurses. "Young man, we're going to need you to leave the room." He told me. "Is he going to die?" I stood up and asked bluntly. "Who are you?" The doctor asked. "His best mate, I deserve to know." I became a bit cocky, wiping the tears from my cheeks. The doctor shook his head and gestured toward the door. I reluctantly agreed, and went back out into the hallway.  _You're just going to leave him like that?_ I sat down beside George, who was still comforting a whimpering Mike. "So... what happened?" I asked. I needed an answer. I couldn't believe the last thing I said to him was fuck you... Mike straightened up a little bit and took a few deep breaths before answering my painful question. 

"Paul came in the h-house, h-he didn't know Da' was home. Da' started yelling at him t'pack his bags c-cause we're going to Scotland, and Paul said he wasn't going, he told Da' he would stay here with me, he said he wasn't goin' and told Da' to fuck off.. and then thats when he hit Paul, right on the face, he did. Then he kept hitting him and hitting him with the kitchen chair.. That metal one, y'know the one, George? I thought Paul was dead..." Mike rambled on. 

It was my fault. It was because I snapped about him telling me he was going to leave. That's why he said that shit to his father.  _I fucking told you this is your fault. All your fault. All your fault._ "Where is Jim?" I asked. "Took off in the car when Mike called the ambulance after I got there, he did. Probably back to Scotland." George answered, hesitantly. "Child services already talked to Mike and me. I told them about Paul's Auntie Gin, in London. They're going to try and get in touch with her and have her come here, y'know..." George continued. "They wouldn't make them move to London?" I asked.  _If he lives._ "Well maybe... Depends on Gin. They'd like t'keep them at the same school, y'know, around the same friends and what not." George shrugged. Maybe Paul wasn't leaving. _You think he's still going to love you after this? Stop._ "What did you say?" George heard me say stop out loud. I shook my head. 

The doctor and nurses finally walked out, the nurses walking the opposite way and the doctor approaching us. 

"Well, Mike..." The doctor began. "Your brother is stable. We're just waiting for him to wake up, it could be a while. I suggest you go home and get some rest, and we will call when he wakes up." The doctor said, now crouched down in front of Mike. "You can all go say goodbye, but know that we're expecting him to wake up." The doctor smiled and began to walk away. "Mike ye go ahead, mate." George gestured for Mike to go in to Paul's room. Mike hesitantly and slowly entered the room. "I'm gonna stay with Mike tonight, y'know at their place, if you want to join..." George told me. I nodded, "Ye, mate, I will..." I shuddered and stared at the floor. Mike walked out of the room with tears streaming down his cheeks again. I sighed. George stood up and walked toward the door, looking at me. "Ye mind if I?" George asked. I nodded.

George knew something was up with Paul and I. 

"John, please don't let him come back..." Mike said. "Yer Dad?" I looked at him as he sat down next to me. He nodded. "I won't let him near either one of you. I promise this is the last time you'll see Paul like this." I choked up a little bit.  _You can't keep a bloody promise to save yer life. You made promises to Julia, and look what happened to her._ George exited Paul's room and grabbed Mike's hand. "We'll meet ye downstairs. I need a ciggie." George half smiled. I stood up and walked into Paul's room again. I sat down next to Paul, staring at him. 

"Paul... I'm sorry. I'll tell you I'm sorry every single day if you can wake up for me. I don't know what I'd do without you. My life was falling apart, I had nobody but Mimi and I thought I was a dead end, nowhere man who was incapable of loving or being loved.... Till there was you. I love you... I will never let go of you, m'love. For as long as I live." I was crying uncontrollably now. I kissed his hand a few times before standing up and wiping my face. "I've got to go home with Mike now... I'll be back again, though..." I walked out of the room backward, my eyes not wanting to leave him. 

I pulled myself together before meeting with George and Mike. 

It was going to be a long night. 

 


	13. I Lost My Little Girl

~John's~

 

" _John_?" 

" _John, love_?" 

" _John, are ye there_?"  His sweet soothing voice seemed to whisper. 

" _John, why did you leave me_?" 

" _John, I'm sorry I let you down, can you forgive me_?

I shot up out of a dead sleep. It took me a few moments to regulate my breathing, and recognize where I was. Paul's room. George was on the floor beside me, and rolled over. "Y'ok mate?" He mumbled as he stretched. I took a deep breath. "Yeah, sorry Harrison." I rubbed my eyes a few times before looking at the clock. 1AM. How in the hell was it  _only_ 1am? I just wanted it to be the next day so we could find out if Paul was awake and whether or not they had spoken to his Aunt. "Ye don't seem okay, John." George sat up. I guessed that there was no avoiding a conversation now. "Just worried s'all." I tried to sound nonchalant. "John, don't take this the wrong way, but you barely know Paul. I've only seen ye hangout a few times. Been my best mate for as long as I can remember, Paul has. He hasn't mentioned anything about you." George rambled on a little. 

Well, I couldn't really blame Paul for not telling his best friend that we were in love.  _Bloody queer, going right to hell, you are._ "I dunno mate, we just clicked. Likes music too, I s'pose." I tried to sound even more calm. "John, you don't need to tell me er nothin'... But is there something...  _else_  goin' on?" George looked serious. I did feel like I could trust George, he was Paul's best friend after all.  _He'll turn you both in, you'll both go to jail and then Paul definitely won't forgive you._ "What do you mean?" I asked, rolling over to face him. "I dunno, just the way y'look at him." George looked away from me, probably afraid of my reaction. "Nah mate, I just care about him and I feel bad considering, y'know, his situation." I lied through my teeth.  George nodded and stood up, "I best check on Mike." 

I looked around Paul's room. I felt bad that even here, this cozy little room, he didn't feel safe. I noticed a small leather-bound journal on the floor gently tucked underneath his guitar. I tilted my head.  _Dare ya._ I knew I shouldn't have invaded his privacy to that extent, but I had to know what was in that journal. I opened it carefully. The first page had lovely had writing, obviously not Paul's. 

_James,_

_Happy 12th birthday my sweet boy. I hope you write some beautiful poems and songs in here for me. I love you so much! Don't listen to those horrid kids at school, let it be, love. You're going to be a rockstar._

_Love, forever and ever,_

_Mum_

Maybe Jim's Mum gave this to Jim, because I didn't think there was any other James' in Paul's family. I hesitated before flipping to the next page, maybe I didn't want to know.  _Yes you do._ I flipped the page. 

_Well, I woke up late this morning_

_My head was in a whirl_

_Only then I realized_

_I lost my little girl_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh_

_Well, her clothes were not expensive_

_Her hair didn't always curl_

_I don't know why I love her_

_But I love my little girl_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh_

_Well, gather 'round people_

_Let me tell you the story_

_The very first song I wrote_

_Well, gather 'round people_

_Let me tell you the story_

_The very first song I wrote_

_I woke up late this morning_

_My head was in a whirl_

_Only then I realized_

_I lost my little girl_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, I said_

There's no way Jim wrote that. This is Paul's journal. That had to be about his Mother.. I flipped to the middle of the journal. 

_John Lennon spoke to me today. He looks like a mix of Buddy Holly and Elvis. I like him._

I could feel my cheeks heat up to a bright red colour.  _Bloody poof._ I closed the journal and put it back where I had found it. I felt guilty enough invading that much of Paul's private thoughts. I heard the telephone ring, and ran downstairs. 

Mike was standing with the receiver to his ear, George stood eagerly in the doorway of the kitchen, all three of us wide-eyed. Waiting. Wondering. 

Mike hung up the phone. "He's awake."  My spirits were lifted. Paul was awake.  _He's not going to want to see you._ "Well? Come 'ed!" George was all smiles as he tossed us our coats. 

We hopped on the bus and made it to the hospital in no time. Honestly, it felt like no time at all. Everything was happening so fast that I barely remembered getting on and off the bus. I remember staring at the hospital the same way I did when I arrived the previous day, though. Paul was awake. I had to keep myself as composed as possible, y'know, for Mike and George... and because I didn't need George getting more ideas about Paul and I. We walked into the hospital and waited in the hallway for the doctor. He came out of Paul's room and smiled at us. "One at a time, we don't want to overwhelm him." The doctor said as he gestured toward the door. "Mike go ahead, mate. Go see 'im." George smiled and sat down. I sat down next to him. "Are you okay?" George asked me. I nodded, "Yeah I am, are you?"  _You're not okay._ I looked at the floor. "Yeah mate. I know Paul 'n Mike are going to be safe now." George said as he half smiled. We were silent until Mike came out.

He had a smile on his face and tears on his cheeks. "George he wants t'see you." Mike smiled and took George's spot as he entered Paul's room. "How is he?" I asked Mike.  _Why do you care? He won't want to see you._ "A little tired and out of it, he is. But he's awake and it's all going to be okay. Right, John?" Mike looked up at me with trust in his eyes. That scared me.  _Don't get the little buggers hopes up._ "It's going to be just fine, Mike." I rubbed the kid's back. The least I could do. He had just witnessed a whole lot of trouble and pain. 

George soon came out, with a smile on his face. "John, g'head." He nodded toward the door. Don't do it. I stood up and stopped in the doorway, before I could see him I had to make sure I was grounded.  _Don't do it._ I took a deep breath and glanced at George who was looking at me with his eyebrow raised and a bigger smile on his face. _He knows. Don't do it._

I walked into the room. 

 

~Paul's~

My sight was a little hazy. My head hurt quite a bit, and I kept my eyes open just a little bit so that I could see. I knew my face was damaged, and the doctor mentioned two broken ribs. But when he walked in, I knew it was him. He was hesitant and took his time approaching me. He was silent and scared. 

"John?" I said, weakly. It hurt my sides to talk. 

He sat down next to the hospital bed. "May I...?" He asked hesitantly as I felt his hand lightly on top of mine. I nodded and turned my head toward him. Even though he was blurry I could only think about how handsome he was. 

"I'm so sorry... It's all my fault, Paul, I'm sorry..." He put his head down on my head. "John, n-no, stop." I hesitated. "George is gonna take Mike home, he said he thought we'd like some time alone..." I told him, waiting for him to admit that he had told George about us. "I didn't tell him m'love, I swear, I swear I swear I swear." John sounded like his mind was moving way too fast. "John, take a deep breath." I ordered, though weak, I tried to sound harsh. My head began to pierce with pain again. I closed my eyes tightly and squeezed John's hand. "Oh, Paul what can I do?" I felt John stand up, not letting go of my hand. 

"Nothing." I was short and not-so-sweet, but I was in pain. I felt him sit back down quietly. 

The pain went away, not completely, not enough to be able to ignore it, but enough that I could open my eyes again. "I'm really sorry, John, y'know about before..." I said, referring to our blow out when I told him about Scotland. "No, I was unreasonable and I didn't let you explain 'er nothin'..." He began, but I could tell it was hard for John to admit he was wrong. But I was glad he did. "I'm not leavin' y'know. Thanks to George and me Aunt Gin." I tried to smile. "I know." John said quietly as he kissed each of my knuckles slowly. "Can you forgive me?" He said, lingering above my hand so that I could still lightly feel his lips. "Of course, John..." I said as I used my other hand to reach for his cheek. Mistake. I flinched and grabbed my side. "Sorry," I tried to laugh. 

"I was so worried, m'love." John stood up and closed the door to the room. I smiled. "I wasn't about to let go." I told him, smugly.  He climbed up on the bed beside me, carefully, and wrapped his arms around me. I had never felt more physical pain in my entire life, but I had also never felt safer in my life. My father was not going to be a threat anymore, John was here with me, Mike was safe, and George was an amazing friend. 

"Penny for ya thoughts, m'love?" John asked as he kissed the top of my head. "I love you John Lennon." I said, before yawning and making myself comfortable on his chest. I felt him kiss the top of my head again before whispering, "I love you, James." That threw me off. Nobody had called me James since my Mother, but I was too out of it at this point to question it. It felt nice to have him know me that intimately. 

As I drifted off to sleep, I heard John whisper "Stop,"  a few times. He must have been struggling still. Before I had fallen asleep, I felt him hold me as closely and as tightly as possible without hurting me. 

"Focus on healing, focus on yourself Macca. I've got you and I won't let go of you until the day I die. It's getting better all the time, m'love." 

 


	14. All My Loving

~Paul's~

I hadn't seen John since the day I was released from the hospital. My Aunt Gin had moved into our house, and I had a feeling John may have been intimidated by her. I didn't want nor like this space that John was giving me. Don't get me wrong, he did call me every night before he went to sleep, but that was it. John didn't ask how I was doing or what was going on at all, he just told me about his day, what new records he had knicked from the record shop and then told me goodnight. I wasn't quite well enough to go to school -physically or mentally- so there was no bumping into him in the hallways like before. I did miss that. 

It was almost 10PM, and I was sitting on my bedroom floor playing my guitar, trying to write a song. I scratched some lyrics down and my pencil broke. I stretched over to my bag and dragged it in front of me. It hurt to move much. I rummaged through it for a new pencil when I fell upon a folded up piece of paper that said  _Paul_ on the front in John's handwriting. This must have been old because I hadn't seen him, and I hadn't used my bag since I was in school, which was also a while ago. I unfolded it. 

_Love, love me do_

_You know I love you_

_I'll always be true_

_So please_

_Love me do_

I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry, rip it up, or kiss it. 

I folded it back up and tucked it under my pillow. I lied down on my bed, slowly but surely, and thought about John. I needed to see him, but Gin wouldn't let me leave the bloody house. I suppose I couldn't blame her though, if I walked for too long it began to feel as though all my ribs were collapsing. It was worth risking to see John. I tip-toed passed Mike's room and slowly made my way down the stairs and to the front door. I was nervous and fragile, but I didn't want to feel that way anymore. John made me feel strong and loved. I sighed as I successfully walked away from my house and toward John's. It was a very nice night, hopefully he would want to come out and walk with me. To a bench maybe, so he didn't end up carrying my broken ass home. 

I arrived at John's and immediately smiled when I walked around the side of the house and noticed his bedroom light was on. I threw a rock gently at the window and waited. Nothing. Maybe he had fallen asleep with the light on?

I threw another one a little harder. Nothing.

I threw another one. 

"I heard it the first time, m'love." I heard from behind me. I spun around. "John!" I wanted to run into his arms, but for my own pain-sake I walked slowly toward him. "Well well well, look at you my little bluebird, looking like a brand new man." John smiled as he cupped my face with both of his hands. "Bluebird? That's new." I laughed a little bit and smiled, and then remembered that he hadn't come by, causing my smile to fade. "Where have you been?" I asked, pulling his hands down and holding them. "I've been here the whole time, Macca." John raised an eyebrow, questioning my accusation. "I haven't seen you since they let me leave the hospital." I stepped back a little bit. "Paul..." John stepped toward me. I raised my eyebrow. "I'm sorry, m'love. I just wanted to give you some space, y'know, to recover and all." John admitted as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. My stomach lit up with what felt like thousands of fireworks just from the touch of his lips. "I need you, though..." I said quietly, almost ashamed to admit it. I still expected things like this to be awkward between us because we were both guys. But it wasn't, because it was John. 

"I'm sorry. I should have asked you what you wanted before assuming. Forgive me?" John asked as he flashed me his signature  _John Lennon_ grin. "I forgive you." I smiled and kicked his foot lightly and flirtatiously. "C'mon, to Strawberry fields?" I suggested, gesturing toward the sidewalk before flinching and grabbing my side. I tried to play it off as if it didn't happen. "How about you just stay with me here tonight? Don't pretend you're not still in pain. Mike talks to me y'know." John said, obviously content with the fact that he knew me so well. "Me Aunt doesn't know I left." I said, shaking my head. "Bloody hell Paul, she hasn't even met me yet and she's going to think I'm a horrible influence. C'mon, I'll stay at your's then." John said, linking arms with me and guiding the way back toward my house. "You should have called, I would have come to you instead of you draggin' yer broken ass down here." He added. 

"I'm glad you're okay. Y'know, I'm glad we're okay." I said, hoping for a little bit more reassurance. "All is well, m'love. But I must admit, I am  _so_ glad you're okay. You scared me, I didn't think I was going to get my little bluebird back." John said, as he quietly opened my front door, gesturing for me politely to go ahead of him. I lead the way and we tip-toed back into my bedroom. I lied down, relieved to be off of my feet. John stood and stared at me with a smile so big it took over his entire body. "What?" I asked, feeling my cheeks becoming bright red. "I just didn't think I could love someone so much." John said as he knelt down on the floor, becoming face to face with me. He began to stroke my cheek lightly. "Everything is going to look up from here, right?" I asked quietly. My whole life had been one disappointment after another at this point, but with John there I could almost feel optimistic about the future. 

"I promise everything is going to be grand." John said before he leaned in and gently placed a kiss on my nose. "Don't you leave me now, 'er I dunno what I'd do." John said, making eye contact with me. His eyes looked so soft and loving. "I won't." I smiled lightly. "I know we're only young Paul, but I want to be with you until the day I die and I can promise ye I'll be by your side to make it work." John said as he reached down and grabbed my left hand, kissing it a few times. "I love you... so damn much." He didn't stop kissing my hand, and it almost sounded like he was choked up. "John, what's wrong?" I said sympathetically. "I just don't want ye t'leave me. I know I sound soft and pathetic but everyone else... everyone else has left me. Why should you stay? I'll try t'prove t'ya that I deserve you and all that... Y'know..." John mumbled as his voice began to break off. I knew this was hard for him, so I kissed his forehead. "Ye don't have to prove anything. I love you, Lennon." He looked back up at me and smiled. 

"This is for you..." John said as he straightened his back, digging in his pockets. I raised an eyebrow, confused as to what he was looking for. John pulled out a small, thin silver band and slowly pushed it onto my middle finger on my left hand. "I'd put it on yer ring finger but y'know, people would ask..." John said, obviously content with himself. "What's this for?" I smiled, examining the band. "'Cause, like I said I wanna be with ye for the rest of me life. Just a promise I s'pose." He said as he lied down beside me, pulling me into his arms. "Ye'v gone soft, Lennon. But I love it.. I'm sorry I don't have one for ye..." I said, sincerely feeling bad that I had nothing to give him. 

"I just want you, anyway." I heard him mumble as he nuzzled his nose into my hair. 

I didn't know how to form words at this point of the night. John had shocked me to my core with his words and the ring. I hadn't felt this kind of love before and it almost felt like I was flying. My heart was racing, my stomach felt lighter than air, the pain that had previously been coursing through my body had disappeared and though I knew it would only be temporary, it felt amazing knowing John had the ability to make my pain disappear.  There was nothing in the world that could take him away from me at this point, I wouldn't allow it. 

"Are you asleep already m'love?" John whispered into my ear. I felt my body shudder because of his hot breath. "No, m'up.." I mumbled as I rolled over and faced him. John cuddled his face up to my chest and I smiled. I began singing the song that I had been working on writing to him.

 

_Close your eyes_

_And I'll kiss you_

_Tomorrow I'll miss you_

_Remember I'll always be true_

_And then while I'm away_

_I'll write home everyday_

_And I'll send all my loving to you_

 

John was soon snoring, clinging to me as though his life depended on it. I smiled to myself and held him tightly until the minute the sun rose. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. I wished I could see what was going on in his head, he must have a lot going on in there. John was probably one of the strongest people I'd ever met considering all he'd been through and the voices he told me about. I hoped that they weren't too serious because I had read about mental illnesses that people suffered from that included voices in their heads, and I hoped John didn't have that. 

He began to stir, almost as though my train of thought had disturbed him. John softly opened his eyes and looked at me. "Good morning, handsome." I smiled and kissed his forehead. He grunted and rolled away from me. "Aye!" I laughed and pulled him back into my arms by the waist. "It's too bloody early, baby..." John grumbled as he tried to wriggle away from me. There was a knock on my bedroom door. I tensed up, and remembered the last time there was a knock at my door. I had assumed it was Mike trying to wake me up for school and it ended up being my father, starting my day by putting me in the hospital. 

John shot up, wide awake now, and sat down on my love seat. "C'min," I mumbled, sitting up and crossing my legs. Aunt Gin opened the door slowly and peaked in. "G'mornin' James, I have to- oh, hello young man..." She began before she noticed the boy sitting on my bed. "Hi m'am." John smiled and waved. "Auntie, this is me mate John... We're ugh- in a band together." I lied. John smiled wider at me because I guess I had confirmed his request to start a band. "Nice t'meet you." John said in a more posh, polite voice. "You as well." Gin nodded her head and faced me again. "I have to go into Blackpool today, I won't be back until late. Please be careful and take your medication. I'm taking Michael with me, so you needn't worry about 'im." Gin informed me. I nodded and she took the hint to leave.

"I have a few questions." John said as he stuck up his hand like a young child in class. "Yes?" I raised an eyebrow. "Firstly, what is your  _real_ first name? Secondly, you're on medication now?" John asked as he tilted his head, still looking like an innocent young child. His hair wasn't it's usual quiff, slicked back like Elvis, it was a bloody mess. But he looked perfect. "My name is James Paul McCartney. I wish Gin wouldn't call me James, it's me Dad's name. Yes I'm on medication now, y'know, for the pain... and some for anxiety. But it's no big deal." I shrugged my shoulders and stood up slowly, one hand on my sore ribs, and began rifling through my drawers for a new outfit. I could feel John getting closer to me. Soon enough, his arms were wrapped around my waist from behind and he was kissing my neck. I closed my eyes and really focused on feeling him, he kept me grounded. I counted the nine times he muttered  _I love you_ against my neck. 

I began to feel extremely aroused. John and I hadn't done anything, nor talked about doing anything sexual at this point. I knew I was way too nervous to. I think he may have felt the same way because he pulled away from me, and sat back down with his shirt pulled down over his crotch. Very nonchalant, he was.  I was completely unsure about sexual stuff with John. I knew at this point though I was way too fragile, though. 

"What shall we do today, m'love?" John asked me after he evidently calmed himself down. "Up to you, just remember your prince charming is broken. That leaves us with limited options." I reminded John as I slowly lifted my shirt off and replaced it with a clean one, quickly grabbing my throbbing side after. "I did want to go to school..." I admitted. It was hard having limited social interaction. "Paul I definitely don't want you to push yourself to the point of being in pain, or y'know, make yerself panic 'n what not. I can only be with you in first period." John said, becoming serious. "I know." I nodded. "I don't think I like the idea, love. You're not well enough yet... Look at ya, yer as white as a bloody ghost and look at yer hands... Shakin' like a bloody leaf, they are." John said as he stood up and grabbed both of my hands, kissing the silver band on my left. 

"I'm fine, John. I just want things to be normal, y'know." I tried to argue with him even though I knew there was no way he would put me in a position where I would be in pain. "Let's just lay down for a little longer, ya? It's too early." John suggested as he stretched and pulled me slowly toward the bed. We lied back down, this time John was holding me close as I rested my head on his chest, listening to his steady heart beat. It was calming to listen to. "I'm so glad ye didn't bugger off to Scotland on me." John said as he squeezed me lightly. "Me too. Guess it's a good thing Dad whooped me ass 'n put me in the hospital, y'know." I said quietly, unsure of how John would react. I didn't truly believe that, obviously I wish it had never happened. But I was so happy I wasn't leaving and Jim was gone. 

"Don't say that ever again." John said quietly, but sternly. "I honestly thought you were going t'die, Paul. I've lost too much, 'm not letting you go too. Never. You 'n Mimi are all I've got, y'know that?" John was rambling, I could tell that he was hearing someone in his head. His words always kind of wandered and rambled about when he was having trouble thinking straight, and not listening to the voices. "John..." I mumbled as I nuzzled into his neck. "M'sorry, love... Voices, y'know. I'm nothin' but a bloody loony." He sighed and kissed my forehead.

"So, ye wanna start a band eh?"

 


	15. Please Please Me

~John's~

George and I had been hanging out on breaks at school, meeting with Paul and practicing music for our new band -The Quarrymen- and I realized that George was actually a cool lad to hangout with, even if Paul wasn't there. He was much better than I was on the guitar, but of course I would never mention that to him. George was like Paul's younger brother, they were just that close. Everyday we met just around the corner from Paul's house and walked to school, chatting about the song George had just learned, or the new record one of us had gotten. But today we met at Paul's.

It was Paul's first day back at school.

George and I both knew Paul was nervous, even though he wouldn't admit it. He had healed up very nicely, but his one rib didn't quite heal the way the doctors had hoped - it still bothered him immensely on a bad day, but for the most part my bluebird was back to normal.

George and I waited patiently outside Paul's house, smoking cigarette after cigarette. "Think he's gonna bail?" George asked me.  _Probably, cause of good ole Johnny being here._ Bloody hell, I had been doing so well without the voices recently. I think it had something to do with Paul doing so well.

"He might. I hope not though, he's gotta get back inta' the groove, y'know?" I said, kicking a rock into the street. "Ah, if it's not my two favourite band mates!" We heard Paul's voice and whipped our heads around. He was standing on his doorstep with a wide smile, his uniform tie loose and crooked. "How are you feelin' mate?" George asked as Paul approached us. I flashed Paul a very sweet smile. "I'm feeling quite grand today, actually." Paul smiled as we began to walk. It was so relieving to see him this way.  _Not gonna last bloody long with you around._ I shook my head and began to focus hard on blocking the voices out. I needed to be here and be focused for Paul. It was hard enough knowing I wouldn't get to be with him all day. 

"If that bloody little prick Ritchie gives ye' a hard time, ye tell 'im to come find us, we'll teach him a bloody lesson." George said as he flashed his fang-like teeth and nudged my arm. "Aye, we will lad!" I agreed with him as we approached the school. "I've gotta run inside early, got a few things t'take care of. See ye at lunch, lads?" George asked. It was extremely obvious that he had nothing to do, he just wanted to leave us alone. 

No, I hadn't told him about Paul and I, if that's what you're thinking. George either had an idea about what was going on and didn't want to ask any questions, or he thought that we liked our time alone. Either way, I think he knew. We waved and nodded, agreeing to meet him later.

I turned and looked at Paul, and just like that the world became invisible to me. Everything but his smiling face was blurry. 

"Are ye nervous, m'love?" I asked, subtly touching his hand for a moment. It felt electrifying to touch him, and just a quick light touch wasn't enough. "I'm fine, John. I'm just glad to be out of that bloody house y'know? Start of a new life." Paul smiled, referring to the fact that he didn't worry about his father anymore, Mike was happy and they had a wonderful Aunt to take care of them. "I wish I could kiss you." I mumbled so that he could hear. His face lit up. "I really want to kiss you, John." Paul said as he put his hand on my forearm.  _Don't you wanna shag? Cause yer a bloody queer, remember?_ "Ugh, fuck." I rolled my eyes. 

"John, don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever thought about seeing a doctor or somethin'? Y'know, for the voices." Paul asked, getting extremely quiet. I shook my head. "Don't start, Paul.. Please." I kept shaking my head, looking down at the ground. "I'm sorry. I just worry about ye..." Paul admitted. I began to feel bad, the kid just wanted to help. "I'll think about it, okay? Just don't bring it up." I said as I tried to smile at him. "C'mon, we're going to be late." Paul said, grabbing my hand and dragging me toward the door of the school.  _People are gonna see._ I ripped my hand out of his. Paul turned around and looked at me with an eyebrow raised and a pouty lip. "Sorry, Macca." I said sincerely. He tilted his head sympathetically; he knew I was a lunatic.  _He's going to leave you eventually, you're too crazy._

Unfortunately, I believed the voice that time. But that didn't mean I was going to push him away. I'd just appreciate every waking second I was blessed with by his side.

"Comin' t'class baby or do ye need some air?" Paul asked me as he stopped in front of our first period class. I shook my head and opened the door for him. The class had already started, so we quickly took our seats. All eyes were on Paul, and I could tell he was uncomfortable. Word of him being in the hospital because of his dad spread quick. I just hoped people would respect what he'd gone through and leave him be. 

"Welcome back, Mr. McCartney." The teacher said and smiled at Paul, who nodded as he pulled out his notebook. The poor lad hated the attention. 

Paul contently took notes and paid attention throughout the whole class. It was admirable, really. He looked so happy to be learning, to be normal. I was so relieved he was doing well. This was the lad I'd fallen in love with. By the end of class, Paul was just listening to the teacher with his eyes glued to the front of the room, playing with his ring.  _Fuckin givin' another bloke a ring. What would Julia say?_ I was happy I'd given him the ring. I had used the money I had saved for a new guitar to buy it, but there was no way I would tell him that. A new guitar could wait. 

George and I followed closely behind Paul, he was very quick to leave. I assumed he was eager to start his next class. "I think he's gonna do just fine." George said, smiling. I nodded in agreement. "Aye fuck you!" I heard Paul say. My head shot up to see him pinned against the lockers by a that bloody Ritchie kid and a few of his friends.  _Kill him. He's hurting Paul._ George ran up behind Ritchie and started yelling. I knew George wasn't the kind of kid to fight.  _Kill him. He's hurting Paul._ I was frozen, they weren't swinging at Paul or anything, but Paul's feet were dangling in the air, and his eyes were full of fear. Paul was looking at me. 

I didn't speak, I didn't make my presence known until I was holding Ritchie up against the locker above my head by his collar.  _Kick his fucking ass. Paul is scared._ I punched him in the gut multiple times before I felt Paul tugging on my jacket from behind me. I couldn't hear anything I was so mad, so I didn't know if he was yelling at me or not. I finally dropped Ritchie and he and his friends bolted away.  _Gone bloody soft, you have._ I turned around, breathing heavily and ready to fucking kill someone when I saw his face. He was clear in all of my blurred vision. "John.." I heard him say. "M'sorry, Macca." I mumbled, not taking my eyes off of him. I felt George put his hand on my shoulder. "Are ye okay mate?" He asked. I nodded, still not taking my eyes off of Paul. 

"I'm gonna take 'im outside for a smoke. I'll catch up with ye later ok Geo?" I heard as I watched his mouth move intently before feeling him grab my forearm and direct me toward what I assumed was the door. He sat me down on a bench, I just kept staring into nothingness.  _You're a daft git, you should've taught them a lesson._ "John are you okay?"  _You shouldn't have just let them go like that._ "John, are you in there?"  _He's the reason you're like this._

"John!" 

I whipped my head around and made eye contact with him. His beautiful eyes. "I'm so sorry Paul, did I hit ye? Are ye okay!?" I asked, touching his hands and feeling that familiar spark throughout my body. "John I'm fine, are you okay?" Paul asked me, looking genuinely concerned. "Paul I'm fine. I just got mad seein' ye like that y'know? Me mind takes over and I don't have much control. I just have t'protect you." I admitted, wanting to do one thing and one thing only. To kiss him. "God, Paul..." I mumbled. "What is it John?" He said as he put his hand on my thigh lightly - to seem more like a friend I assumed. I had forgotten we were still in public. 

"I love you so much." I whispered, looking down at my feet. "I love ye John, I just worry, y'know. C'mon let's go home." Paul said, standing up. "Why? We've still got classes." I asked standing up behind him. "Because I'm having a hard time not being closer to you." Paul said as he raised an eyebrow almost seductively. I raised both of my eyebrows and followed close behind him, nearly drooling over the sight of him walking away. 

I knew that wasn't going to be the last time Paul brought up the fact that he was worried about me, but I didn't care. I'd push through this. 

Right now I had something else on my mind, I just hoped Paul was ready to act on it with me.  _He just thinks you're crazy now, gettin' all violent like that._ "I was protecting him." I mumbled. Paul turned around and tilted his head at me. "What was that?" He asked. I shook my head as we entered his house, which I hoped was empty. I smiled when we found that it was in fact empty. I sat down in an arm chair in the living room. "C'mere, Paul." I ordered. As Paul got closer to me, I grabbed his hand and pulled him in. I grabbed his hips and pulled him even closer to me so his belt was right in front of my nose. I smirked to myself when I felt his hands in my hair. 

Paul crawled on top of me, now straddling my lap. He wrapped his arms around my neck and arched his back as I began kissing his collar bone and unbuttoning his shirt. "John..." I heard my name escape his lips.  _Stop_ _._ I grabbed his shoulders and pulled his face toward me and I kissed him, hard. My hands slowly lowered down his back and soon found the waistband of his pants. My whole body shuddered when my hands cupped around his ass. My jaw dropped at the feeling. Paul didn't pull his face away when my mouth opened, he just smiled against it and kissed down my neck. 

"Paul..." I moaned as he lightly bit my neck. I felt myself grow even harder when I felt his hard dick rub against me. It was almost too much. It was almost overwhelming.  _It is too much. It is overwhelming. He's like a precious angel and you're ruining him._ I pulled my face away and looked at him. He was like an angel. "Are ye ok?" He asked, our noses almost touching. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against his.  _I_ _t's too much for you._ I took a deep breath, taking him in before I felt him climb off of me. My eyes shot open. "W-where are ye goin?" I asked, sounding extremely pathetic. "You're overwhelmed, John. It's alright, I understand." Paul told me as he sat down on the sofa across the room. "No, no I'm not Paul, I swear." I almost begged him as I walked over and sat down next to him, putting my hand on his upper thigh. 

Paul looked at me, hesitantly.  _He doesn't want you._ I leaned in and tried to kiss him, but he pulled away slightly. "Paul?" I raised an eyebrow and pulled my hand away. "I'm worried about you, John." He told me.  _He's scared of you._ "Are you afraid of me?" I asked as I stood up and began pacing back and forth in his living room.  _He's scared of you._

_He's scared of you._

Back and forth.

_You're a freak._

Back and forth. 

_He's scared of you._

"FUCK!" I yelled as I slid down the wall, my head in my hands. Paul was immediately by my side. "Baby.." I heard him whisper as he pulled me into his arms. "Baby talk to me, please don't hide anymore." He told me, kissing my head a few times. I kept shaking my head. I hated how vulnerable I had become so quickly.  _So broken and fragile, you are._ "Paul I c-can't do it anymore, I'm goin' out me brain!" I began crying hysterically into his shoulder and I expected him to let go, but he kept his arms around me tightly. "You're strong, John. We can fight this." Paul reassured me. He said  _we_ can fight this. He was in this with me. I barely believed it. 

"John look at me." Paul instructed. I did so, trying to wipe away the tears falling down my cheeks and hold in the tears forming in my eyes. "You saved my life and made me the happiest I've ever been, John. YOU did that. Even though I was beyond broken, you've stuck by me.. Even when I pushed you away." He began tucking my hair behind my ear as he spoke. "You stayed regardless of all the shit. I'm going to make sure you're okay, and I'm going to stick by you regardless. D'ye hear me?" He finished. 

I leaned in and kissed him passionately and desperately. I climbed on top of his lap this time, and he held me close and kissed me back. "I...love...you.." I muttered between kisses, and I noticed the tears had finally stopped. Paul's hands were now on my ass, squeezing and pulling me closer to him. "Paul..." I moaned into his mouth, I loved having him in control. I loved having him make me feel so safe and taken care of. Hey, no voices for once. Nice, innit? 

It wasn't long before Paul's hands found their way to the front of my trousers. I felt him fumbling to unbutton them, as if his life depended on it. I needed to be closer to him. I desperately needed to be closer. Finally my trousers were undone, and he shoved both of his hands back down on to my ass, pushing my trousers down with them. "Oh, fuck..." Paul moaned quietly as he moved his hands slowly around my waist to the front of my underwear. He teasingly played with my waistband and I felt myself become even harder than before - which I didn't think was possible. 

I felt as though he was waiting for some kind of permission, a confirmation that I wanted this. I nodded as I kissed him just as harshly as before. Finally he pulled my underwear down, struggling to get them all the way off of me and then throwing them into a corner. As he did so, I began unbuttoning his pants. "I need you." I moaned into his ear and felt him turn into a puddle beneath me. I was almost shocked by the size and perfectness of his cock. "F-fuck," the words escaped from my mouth. We made eye contact and stopped kissing for a moment. I knew what was about to happen, Paul was about to fuck me. "Are you okay with this?" He asked, panting. I nodded. "John are you sure?" He asked again as he began kissing my neck. "Fuck y-yeah Paul, please..." I begged. I didn't expect our first time to be like this, but it was perfect. "You gotta uhm... lube it up.." Paul said, as he looked down at his cock with a raised eyebrow. I knew what that meant. 

I slowly slid down him and got close to his cock. He already looked worn out. I kind of had an idea on what to do - I'd received them before... I grabbed him and took all of him in my mouth, not caring if I chocked. "FUCK!" Paul moaned loudly as he thrusted toward my mouth, his fingers now tangled in the hair on the back of my head. My mouth began to drip with saliva as I moved faster up and down him. "C'mere, oh fuck- JOHN! Yer gonna make me fuckin' cum!" Paul said as he threw his head back on the couch. I slowly pulled away. I didn't want to though, he tasted so good. 

I climbed back on top of him. "Are y'ready?" He asked, his voice sounding husky and sexier than ever. I nodded, "Yes please." He helped spread me, and I slowly put the head of his cock at my entrance. I was petrified, I knew it was going to hurt. "Deep breath." Paul instructed. I did as I was told.  _STOP_. I shook off the voice in my head and focused on Paul. I took another deep breath and felt him begin to penetrate me.  _STOP!_ I bit my lip, holding back a scream. "Sl-slow down," I asked him and he did. "It's okay, John luv. I've got you." He told me.  _STOP!!_ "Say that again." I begged.  _Don't stop._ Having him tell me that was so amazing sounding, so sexy and so calming. 

"I've got you." He slid slowly deeper inside. 

"I've got you." Deeper.

"You're mine." Paul grumbled when he realized he was 100% inside of me. 

My God, it felt good. "How does that feel?" He asked. I could tell he wanted to start fucking me, but he needed to make sure I was okay. "Move, move now," I said breathlessly. He did so. He slowly began thrusting inside me. "Fuck John, fuck yer so tight, fuck!" His pace began to quicken. 

Then it hit. 

He hit something. 

"FUCK PAUL! DON'T STOP!" I dug my nails into his shoulders and arched my back, tilting my head back with it. I had never felt something like this before. 

And then he grabbed my cock and began working me there, too. 

"Cum with me, John, I'm almost there baby, please cum with me!" Paul yelled as he quickened his pace with his hand and with his cock. It was euphoric. "P-Paul, I'm gonna cum," The words were barely understandable. And then, we both exploded. It felt like fireworks. No, it felt BETTER than fireworks. 

After he filled me up, and I wiped my mess off of him, I climbed off of him and collapsed on the couch beside him. We were both panting uncontrollably. "Well, that was fuckin' amazing." Paul smiled and grabbed my hand. "Quick, but amazing." I laughed and squeezed his hand. "Let's go lay down in my bed?" Paul suggested, standing up and grabbing my clothes for me. I felt my cheeks become red. "Fuck, you've put a spell on me McCartney." I said as I pulled my trousers back on. Paul winked as he did his fly and button back up. 

 _You've done it. You've become a full-blown fucking queer._ "Shut the hell up." I mumbled to myself, then smiled smugly at the fact that I felt confident enough to stand up to those bloody voices. Paul smiled at me too, almost as if he knew what I was thinking about. We lied down in his bed and he wrapped his arms around me. I honestly loved feeling so taken care of. I'd never felt that way before. I loved seeing that ring on Paul's finger, too.

"John?"

"Yes, m'love?" 

"I love you."

"And I love you."

 


	16. Chapter 16

 

  
~Paul's~

John and I lied in my bed all day holding each other. I had never felt something as good as the sex I had with John. He was sleeping now. I had never met someone who could sleep as much as John Lennon could. 

I slowly slid out of the bed, careful not to wake him up. I sat in my love seat across the room and admired him while he slept. Suddenly my bedroom door opened a little and there was a small knock. I began to panic, I hadn't heard anybody come into the house let alone come up the stairs. "H-hello?" I said hesitantly. Oh God, John wake up. Please wake up. The door opened to reveal George. "Oh thank God. I've gotta put a bloody bell on you." I said quietly, still aware that John was asleep. "Sorry mate. What's John doin' sleepin' in yer bed?" George said as he came in and sat down beside me. "He doesn't sleep much." I lied nervously. I hated lying to George, he was my best friend after all. No matter how much I loved John, George has always been in my life. 

"Paul... What's going on with you and John?" He asked, crossing his legs on the cushion and facing me. "Nothin' Geo. He lost 'is Mum too, y'know. I guess we just share that depressing bond." I said trying to laugh in order to sound as nonchalant as possible. "You're lyin'." George mumbled, not taking his eyes off of me. "I'm not lying' Geo! What are ye' accusing me of?!" I said trying to sound defensive. George and I didn't know anybody at that time that was queer, so I didn't know how he would feel about it. John rolled over, my heart nearly stopped. I hoped we hadn't woke him up. "Fine, don't tell me then. I thought you trusted me, mate. After everything." George said, sounding hurt. I didn't know if he was trying to guilt me or he actually felt that way. 

"Geo..." I began, my heart racing now. I had to tell him, I hated lying. John had already mentioned to me that George seemed suspicious and as though he knew. "I'm gay." My palms were sweating profusely, I looked away from him, scared of his reaction. "John and I are... Y'know.." I had trouble confessing. Even though John had been in my life in that respect for a while, I had never said the words out loud to anybody other than John himself. "Together?" George finished my sentence. "Yeah... I'm sorry Geo." I nodded. 

"Well I can't say I'm shocked because I saw some weird connection between you and John from the get go. But I also dunno how I'm s'pose t'feel. Are you happy?" George asked me politely. "I am. I've never felt this happy before Geo." I said as I looked over at my sleeping John and smiled. George nodded. "S'pose he gave ye that ring then, yeah?" He looked down and pointed at my hand. "He did. Said I can't wear it on me ring finger though cause people would ask questions, y'know. But it's a promise ring I s'pose." I smiled as I spun the ring around my finger. 

"I really love him George." I said as I looked up at him. "And he obviously loves you." George flashed a smile at me, and looked over at John who was beginning to stir.  He stretched out and yawned, rolling over and facing us. "Oh, hullo." He said obviously surprised that George was there. "Hey John, sorry t'interrupt." George laughed slightly, almost as if to tell John he knew.

"Well the real reason I'm here is 'cause I think I've found us a drummer." George said contently. "Have ye? Whose that?" John asked, sitting up on my bed. "Well, I know none of us like him, but hear me out. It's Ritchie Starkey." I began shaking my head along with John. "No no no, hear me out! He's bloody petrified of Johnny here due to earlier today. But I went inta' the music room and 'e was playin' drums. Fantastic, he is. I think he would be a good asset. Anyroad, we talked for a a couple of hours and he seems like he's a nice guy. The tough guy we've seen is totally an act." George rambled on. "Dunno Geo." I said hesitantly. John had gone white with rage this morning because of that kid, I don't know if John -or the voices in his head for that matter- could be civil with Ritchie. 

"He'll have to audition and apologize to Paul." John said sternly. George nodded in agreement. "Are ye okay with this m'lov- Paul?" John caught himself in the middle of calling me my pet name. George smirked. "John, I told George." I confessed. John's eyes widened and he looked at George. "It's all good mate, honest. Yer secret is safe with me." George said as he motioned an X over his heart. John was very obviously uncomfortable, probably hearing voices.. 

"John." I said sternly trying to snap him out of it. He made eye contact with me and smiled, his shoulders sinking down and relaxing. "Well, Harrison. Let's have him audition tonight. Ye want t'set it up mate?" John said, smiling at George now. George nodded in agreement, obviously content with the fact that John had given him an important duty for our so-called band.  

"Ay, how did ya get in here?" I asked George, raising my eyebrow. "Yer Auntie Gin was on her way back out when I got here, she said you must've been napping cause ye didn't answer yer door. Yer lucky she didn't walk in and catch you two cuddlin' er whatever else ye do." George laughed at himself and stood up, heading toward the door. "I'll call ye once I set this up with Ritchie. Play safe." George winked at me and left, heading down the stairs and out my front door.  I smiled. 

"What are you smiling about, handsome?" John asked me, quickly replacing George on the love seat beside me, putting his hand on my thigh, instantly sending electrifying tingles through my body. "I'm just happy." I laughed a little bit at myself. "I'm happy that you're happy." John laughed as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. I wanted to bring up him getting some help again, but I knew it would ruin his mood. He was just going to keep putting it off until it got too bad, I knew that. I had to be pushy about it. "John I wanted to ask you again about going to see a doctor..." I said, hesitantly. I waited for him to get defensive, or mad. 

"I'll make an appointment as long as you come with me."

I took a double take at John. Had I heard him right? "Wait, what?" I asked, sounding obviously shocked. "I can tell you're worried, Paul. But I can't handle it anymore either, I don't want to keep having mental breakdowns. I have to be strong, y'know, for you." John told me as he let a smile creep out the side of his mouth. "You don't have to be strong for me, Lennon." I told him, trying to sound defensive. "Paul, I know you're doing well right now but we both know you've got some work t'do.. mentally. I have to be here for you. I'm scared I'm gonna loose me marbles and hurt you, or end up killing meself 'er somethin'. But I don't want that. I need to be here for you, to live.... for you." John said shyly as he took my hand and began twirling my ring. 

My heart was beating so loudly I was sure John could hear. "I dunno what t'say..." I said quietly. "Ye don't have t'say anything, Paul. I just want you to know that. But, I do need you for this. Y'know the appointment." He mumbled. "I will be by your side the entire time, luv. I told ye we'll get through this together." I leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Can I use your phone? I'll call me doctor and see when I can get in..." John asked. I nodded, smiling still as he walked out of my bedroom to make his call. 

I was so proud of him. 

After the call he came back into my room looking pale. "What is it love?" I asked him sweetly. "Uhm, well I, ugh," John stuttered as he sat back down beside me. "John it's alright, what is it?" I asked again as I put my hand on his thigh. "I can go tomorrow." He finally blurted out. "That's great! The sooner the better, y'know." I said, trying to comfort him. "I didn't think it would be so soon. I don't want to hear what they could have to say, they could send me away, lock me up in a loony bin and then I'd never see you again--" John began to ramble. I cupped his face with my hands. "John look at me." I said sternly. He was still muttering nonsensical words, it was almost scary. "Baby, it's only me... C'mon." I finally got his attention and he snapped out of it. 

"I'm sorry Paul." John said sadly. "I'm not going to let anybody send you away or lock you up anywhere, you know that. I've got you now and I'm not about to let you go." I told him, not taking my hands away from his face.

"I'm scared, Paul." John whispered so that I could barely hear. "I've got you." I reassured him softly and pulled him into my chest. He grabbed the collar of my shirt tightly and snuggled into my neck. I leaned back onto the love seat, bringing him with me so he was lying down on my chest. John was clung to me as tightly as possible, and I loved that. I loved making him feel safe. 

We eventually dozed off again.

"PAUL MCCARTNEY GET BACK HERE NOW!"  John was screaming. I was running away from him as fast as I could, but when I turned the corner, there stood John.

His eyes were glazed over and almost looked black. His smile was cruel and scary. "Please don't hurt me." I began to beg. 

John grabbed my collar and lifted me off the ground with one hand. He raised his fist and it was coming for my face. I was preparing myself for the pain--

"Paul! Wake up!" John was shaking me.

I opened my eyes and flinched when I saw him, feeling scared, but only for a moment. I buried my face in his chest and wrapped my arms around him. "What happened m'love?" John asked. "Bad dream, is all." I didn't want to tell him the truth. "You kept saying John stop!.... Did I hurt you?" I sensed the worry in his voice. 

"It was just a dream John, I'm fine. We're fine." I assured him. "Well, before you started dreaming, George called. We've gotta go meet with him and Ritchie. Are you sure you're okay with that?" John asked, making sure I felt safe. I nodded and smiled. 

"Let's go." John said, attempting to get up off of the love seat. "No-wait!" I begged, pulling him back. I hated leaving private areas like this where we could be together, really  together  like we both wanted and needed to be. "What is it?" John asked me soothingly as he squeezed me a little. 

"Don't let go of me." I whispered.

"Never, m'love."


	17. I'll Cry Instead

~John's~

I had to admit Ritchie was an amazing drummer. I wanted him in the band. But every time I looked at his smug little face I heard the voices in my head telling me to kick his ass again. But, I didn't. Paul was very content and forgave him very quickly last night. Paul asked me to spend the night, but I said no. I needed some time to myself before my appointment today. Although I knew he understood, he was still upset I wasn't going home with him. 

My appointment was in a half an hour. I grabbed the phone and dialled Paul's number. 

"Hello?"

"Paul? It's John." 

"I've been waiting for your call. What time are we meetin' up love?" He asked, I could tell he was excited. 

"I'll come get ye' now." I said and then hung up the phone.  _Way to be nice._ I was scared, okay? I didn't want the worst possible news. I knew there was an outcome that could completely end Paul and I, and I didn't want that. I didn't blame Paul for pushing me toward an appointment though, I knew he was right. 

I walked to his house and fought with myself in my head. 

_It's not gonna go well. Bail out. Don't go._

_Go, this is your only chance at a normal life with Paul._

_This going to end you and Paul._

_Shut the hell up, we're here._

I knocked on Paul's door nervously. The door opened and revealed his beautiful, flawless face.  _You shouldn't bring him._ I began to walk away from his house, he was close behind me. "John!" He tried to catch up.  _Don't be unfair._ I stopped and turned to him. "I'm sorry m'love. It's not you. I'm just..." I began, not wanting to admit to him that I was scared. "I know John. I'm here." He smiled at me as he casually touched the small of my back as we approached the doctor's office. 

"Are you ready?" Paul asked as he opened the door for me. I nodded. "I wish I could kiss you." I mumbled as I walked by him, through the door. I approached the nurses' desk as Paul took a seat in the waiting area. "Name?" She said. "John Winston Lennon." I mumbled back. "Take a seat, the doctor will be ready any moment now." She smiled and gestured toward the waiting area, where my lovely boy was waiting for me.  _Just call him your bloody boyfriend ya fag._ I sat down next to Paul. "Do you think they're going to let you come in with me?" I asked, nervously. Paul looked around the room, scanning it before taking my hand. "I hope so." He answered, quietly. 

"John Lennon?" The doctor said, coming out from around the corner. My stomach flipped. I stood up. "My friend.. Can he come in?" I asked, my voice obviously shaking. The doctor nodded. "Follow me." I smiled at Paul, who took my hand secretively behind the doctor and followed him with me. 

I sat down on the evaluation table, Paul on the extra chair and the doctor on his fancy swirly chair. "So, John. What seems to be going on with you?" The doctor asked, grabbing a clipboard and pen. Don't fuckin tell him. Yer gonna get thrown away in a loony bin and never see Paul again. "Well sir, I-uhm, I have trouble, y'know because I hear voices - uhm, in me head." I said, staring at my hands. "What do the voices say John?" He asked. I looked up at him. He wasn't judging me, he was sincerely asking.  _No he's getting ready to call the loony bin_ _._ "Well, ugh-they tell me what to do a lot of the time, or y'know call me names and what not until I believe them. Sometimes they're so bad I can't focus on reality, y'know it's like I'm disconnected from real life. I dunno." I shrugged, realizing I had began to ramble. I looked over at Paul, who had a slight smile on his face. I assumed he was proud of me.  _He's not proud of you._

"How often are the voices there?" 

"Every day. A lot. Most of the time." 

"Okay, John. Don't feel like this is going to ruin your life. You're not the only one in the world who suffers from this. But we will treat it, and get rid of those voices. How does that sound?" The doctor asked me. I smiled. "It sounds bloody great." I answered, feeling a little calmer.  _He's lying!_ "Great. What you've got is called early psychosis. It's very serious, John. But I think we've caught your's early enough to treat it. I'll write you a prescription for some medication to help calm you down and stop the voices. It won't help completely, though. I want you to attend some individual cognitive behaviour therapy." The doctor said as he wrote out my prescription. I began to panic.

_Medication._

_Therapy._

_Psychosis._

_You're a fucking LUNATIC_ _._ The voices kept repeating. 

"I c-can't, I don't, I mean," I tried to form words but I kept hearing the same thing over and over. 

"Shall I give you a minute?" 

"Yes please sir." I heard his voice. The door shut. Paul.

I felt his hands on my cheeks.

"John, are you there?" 

I felt him but my eyes couldn't him. I was looking up, down, side to side. 

"John." 

I felt shots of electricity on throughout my body. He was kissing me. He brought me back to Earth. "Paul." I managed to say. "Ah, there you are." He smiled. "Why're you upset? We've got a solution, love." Paul told me. "I don't want to go to therapy. I'm suppose to be strong. I don't want medication. I'm suppose to be strong." I repeated myself, hoping he would understand. 

"This is going to help you, John. I promise." 

_He doesn't know what he's talking about. He wants to you to be locked away._

"Paul I think I want to do this alone. You should go." I blurted out, shoving his hands off of me. His eyes looked hurt, and he hung his head. "I'll, ugh.. See ya 'round then John." 

_Watch him leave. He would stay if he cared._   
  
  
  


~Paul's~

I wasn't going to leave. I know John had asked me too, but I didn't think it was a good idea. I stood outside the doctors office and lit up a cigarette. 

I wanted to know what got him so upset. He got an answer, he got a solution. I wanted to be there for him. But I had to remember this was HIS illness, not mine. 

I waited patiently for him to come out the door, hoping his mood changed back to being happy and needing me. I was also worried he would be upset I hadn't listened and just gone home. The door opened and I spun around. 

"Paul," John began. "Are you okay?" I asked, hesitantly. "I'm sorry I was a dick." He said as we began walking down the street. "It's alright Johnny, do you wanna tell me what happened after I left?" I asked, trying not to sound too pushy. "No Paul, not particularly. I'm going home, I'll see you... whenever I see you." John spat as he began to quicken his pace and I began to fall behind. 

"What the bloody hell!" I ran up behind him. I watched John roll his eyes. "John?" I said, trying to sound pathetic enough that he would feel bad. I watched his eyes soften. "Go home, McCartney." He mumbled, clenching his jaw. "I don't want to leav-" I tried to say before he cut me off. "Paul, what aren't ye grasping? I'm telling you to go the fuck home. Leave me alone." He almost yelled, clearly not wanting to make a scene in the middle of the street. 

My heart began to ache. "Fine." I said quietly, holding back my anger and frustration. I stormed off ahead of him toward my house. I wanted to make sure he made it home safe, but I didn't think I could do so without him knowing. I wasn't about to be a stalker boyfriend. 

I stormed up to my room, not saying hello to Michael or Auntie Gin. I slammed my door shut and fell into my bed, my face in my pillow. I held back my tears, John didn't deserve my pain. There was a knock at my door. 

"What?!" I answered, rudely. A small Mike peered through the door. "Paulie?" He said. "Come in," I sighed and sat up on my bed. He came in and sat down next to me. 

"What's wrong?" He asked as he leaned his head on my shoulder. I smiled at him. "Nothing is wrong, Mikey." I lied. "You can tell me Paul!" He said as he looked up at me. 

"John and I had a bit of a row, s'all. No big deal." I lied again. Oh, how I wanted to scream and punch the wall. John just shoving me off like that, talking to me so rudely even when I was trying to help. 

"Is everything going to be okay?" Mike asked. "I hope so, Mike. I really hope so." I said quietly, looking down at the ring on my left hand. Seeing it made my heart skip a beat, and a lump threatened to form in my throat. "Do you love John?" Mike asked me. My eyes widened a little. 

"Of course I do, Mike. He's me best mate." That wasn't necessarily a lie. 

"No, George is your best mate. John is your boyfriend, I thought," Mike began. "What?!" I said, shocked. 

"Isn't he? Or does John have another boyfriend or girlfriend?" Mike asked. He was so young and naive, he had no idea how wrong it was for two men to have that kind of relationship, how illegal it was. 

"Yeah Mike.. he is." I mumbled, waiting for another reaction. "Well I like him. He's funny." Mike smiled. 

"Do you wanna talk about y'row?" Mike asked as he straightened his back. I shook my head. 

"Well, I bet he's gonna call you tonight and apologize."  Mike said, as he smiled and left me alone with my thoughts. 

For all that it was worth, I hoped Mike was right. 

I did want to talk to someone about it, though. Mostly John, but obviously that was out of the question. I thought about calling George, y'know, to get his input or even just have someone listen, but the more I thought about it the more I felt as though I was disrespecting John's privacy. George didn't need to know about John's voices. 

Instead I strummed my guitar and scribbled lyrics down, hoping for some sort of satisfaction. Unfortunately, I knew I wasn't going to have any kind of satisfaction without John. 

I hoped that he was just having a bad moment and that everything was going to be okay. He would apologize and we could forget all about it. But I also had a scary thought, that John was mad that I pushed him into the appointment and he was actually finished with our relationship. I didn't want the validation that it was true, so I didn't call him. I would wait until he came crawling back to me. 

But I didn't want to wait, you see. 

I wanted to hear his voice, to touch his hand, to kiss his lips and to hear him tell me everything was going to be okay. Bloody hell, I couldn't sit like that all night. I got up and dialled his number. 

"Hello?"

"John, baby, it's Paul. Can we talk?" I asked, my stomach now  filled with butterflies. 

Dial tone. John hung up on me.

 


	18. Yesterday

~Paul's~

I didn't sleep the night after John's appointment, which scared me. I should have been able to fall asleep without his reassurance or confirmation. But, like I said, I didn't. 

I crawled out of bed to get ready for school and the phone rang. I knew it wasn't John so why bother? Mike must have answered, because it stopped ringing. 

"Paul! It's for you!" He yelled. My heart nearly dropped into my stomach - perhaps it was John! 

I ran down the stairs and snatched the phone from Mike. "Hello?" I tried to sound calm. 

"Hey mate it's George. Just wanted to see if you're comin' to school? John called and said he's sick, so he's stayin' home. Told me t'tell ye." George said. 

"I'll meet ye' in ten minutes." I mumbled as I hung up the phone. I hadn't been awake long enough to be panicking already, but I was. I tried to convince myself that John just needed time to himself to cope with his diagnosis, but my mind kept trailing back to thinking we were over. 

When I met with George, he handed me a smoke. "Looks like ye need it, mate. What's up?" He asked as we began walking toward the school yard. "Nothin'." I lied as I inhaled the cigarette. The burning in my lungs helped repress and distract me from the feeling of panic throughout my body.

"If it's because Johnny didn't come t'school, come off it mate. Yer a big boy, ye don't need 'im holdin' yer bloody hand all day." George said, annoyed. "Nothin' is wrong Geo. I don't need John to hold my hand all day." I said, my voice shaking slightly. I did want him there, I wanted to know he was in the building at least. "Don't be actin' like such a queer then!" George laughed and I shot him a look. "Shit mate I'm sorry, didn't think." He said, hanging his head. 

"No biggie mate. Hard not to act like a queer when y'are one" I tried to joke. 

I had to try and focus on school. I had to take my mind off of John, as difficult as I knew it would be. 

... 

I didn't meet with George after my last class. I was proud of myself for staying all day regardless of my situation with John. Each class felt like they were a million years long, but I pushed through and did my work. Instead of going home, I lied to Mike and said I was going to John's. 

I went to Strawberry Fields.

As I walked, I payed close attention to my heart beat. The more I thought about it, the more it would quicken. It was still beating, and I was okay. John could be as mad at me as he wanted, he could leave me if he wanted, but my heart would still be beating. It wouldn't be the end of Paul McCartney. 

I lied down in the same spot John and I had come to where we held hands for the first time. I stared at the stars in the same soft way he and I had before. 

And then I thought of my mother. 

I wondered what she was doing, and if she was watching over me. Of course she was, I thought. I believed she would make sure everything was alright, she would take care of me even though she had gone.  The same way I assumed Julia watched over John. Perhaps they brought us together. 

I began listening to the wind. It was getting late and the birds weren't chirping. I hadn't really spent that kind of time with myself in a long while. I had almost forgotten what it was like to be alone, something I never imagined forgetting. As much as I hated it at the time, now it felt nice. It was nice to appreciate the silence, appreciate the fact that I could be here on my own. I was such an independent introvert that being brought out of my shell made me forget the positive side of it all.

I did miss being alone. That didn't mean I didn't want John, God, I needed John. But I needed this time, too. For me. 

I started counting the stars, trying to name each one after an Elvis Presley or Buddy Holly song. Looking back, it probably wasn't the safest thing to do, but I fell asleep. 

~John's~

Mimi had found out I stayed in from school. Bloody hell, that was. 

"John Lennon, you can't just skip off school and expect everything to be okay!" She said, multiple times. "Mimi, I have to go. I'll be back." I said from inside my room, popping my pill. So far, the effects had been extreme. I hadn't heard any voices for a day now. 

I had been a right cocksucker to Paul, and I knew he didn't deserve it. I just had to push him away a little bit, it had become overwhelming. My issues, and his. He depended on me, and I loved that. But it had become too much. I decided I'd walk over to his house and see if he would accept my apology and understand where I was coming from. 

I got to Paul's and knocked on the door, expecting Paul to be the one on the other side. Instead, Mike answered. 

"Hey John," he looked a little confused. 

"Is Paul here, mate?" I asked. "Uhm, no he told me he was at your house a few hours ago." Mike told me. I raised an eyebrow, confused. "Maybe he's at George's, don't worry John!" Mike smiled. I nodded and thanked him, as I began to walk away toward George's house. 

It was likely he was there, I thought. He probably needed his friend, since his boyfriend was such a cocksucker. 

I knocked on George's door, hesitantly. He opened it. "Hey mate! Looks like yer feelin' better." George smiled as he came outside and closed the door, handing me a smoke and lighting one for himself. "Aye, slept lots now, didn't I?" I said, leaning in for him to light my cigarette too. "What's got ye out 'n about?" He asked me. "Was lookin' fer Paul, actually. Mike said 'e must be here with you." I said, even though it was now obvious he wasn't there. 

"Nah, mate. He ducked home after school before I could meet him." George shrugged. "Trouble in paradise?" He teased. I raised an eyebrow. "Just wanted to make sure he was okay." I lied. "Aye, well he's not here. You want some help findin' him?" George offered as he stomped on his cigarette butt. 

"Nah, I think I know where he is." I nodded and thanked him for the cigarette, and walked away. 

I walked toward Strawberry Fields, that was the only place I could imagine him going.

I was walking aimlessly around Strawberry Fields when I noticed how bright the stars were. There were plenty of them that night. Then it hit me. I knew Paul would appreciate the stars and how beautiful they were. 

I knew where he was. 

I headed toward the spot where we had watched the stars together for the first time. If he wasn't there, I had no idea where he could've been. As I approached, I began to slow down. I hadn't even thought about what I would say to him. There was no doubt in my mind that he was upset with me. There he was. Lying on the ground, his ankles crossed and his hands placed on his chest. Just as I thought he would be. 

As I grew closer, I realized he was asleep. I smiled to myself. I didn't want to wake him, so instead I lied down beside him and took his hand, which was freezing cold. I shimmied my jacket off and lied it on top of him gently like a blanket. I admired his features for a few moments before feeling a pit in my stomach. Guilt. I had been such a jerk to Paul, and I'm sure we both knew he didn't deserve it. I reached under the jacket and took his hand again, wanting to make sure he was still wearing his ring. When I felt the freezing cold silver band on his middle finger, I smiled to myself again. 

I pulled my hand away and crossed my legs as he began to stir. He looked from side to side, before looking up and realizing I was sitting next to him. "Oh..." He mumbled as he sat up and stretched before rubbing his eyes. I almost didn't want to speak, I was just relieved he hadn't gotten up and left. He handed me my jacket and I shook my head, refusing to take it. He shoved it a little more aggressively. I took it from him and draped it around his shoulders. "Yer shivering." I said quietly, breaking the silence. Paul gave up, and curled up in the jacket as if to admit he was cold. 

"So.." He began. 

"I'm sorry, Paul." I whispered as I looked down, too ashamed to look him in the eye as I admitted how horribly I had treated him. He didn't speak. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered again, choking up a little. I looked up to find his eyes staring at me, widely. I didn't know how he was taking it, if he wanted to hear it. 

"Do you want me to go?" I asked, starting to shuffle my body to get up. "No! I mean, no- don't go." Paul told me, obviously eager. I relaxed again and tried to move closer to him. Paul shuffled closer to me until we were sitting face to face. "I'm sorry." I whispered again, picking up his chin with my index finger. Paul leaned in and rested his head in the crook of my neck and didn't say anything. "Forgive me?" I whispered, almost too quiet to hear. 

Paul just pushed his head into me more, and I felt his hand rest on top of mine. I hoped that meant he forgave me. 

"I love you, Paul."

I felt his lips on my jawline, as if to say it back. I was nervous this was his way of saying  _I love you too, but this is it._

"Paul, look at me," I said, slightly nudging my shoulder so he had to remove his head from my shoulder. He looked at me. "Are we going to be okay?" I asked him nervously. Our faces were so close I could practically feel his eyelashes every time he blinked. "We're going to be okay." He said quietly, looking down at my lips. "I don't want to rely on you so much though, John. Scares me." He continued, almost looking embarrassed. "I understand," I sighed. "'m not the best person t'rely on." I added. "Not what I meant." He said sternly. "I know that, don't I? Just concerned is all.." I tried to put my shields up. 

"Oh, no you don't John Lennon. Don't try and hide y'self away." Paul said, narrowing his eyebrows. "'m sorry." I mumbled, looking back up at him and flashing him a small smile. Paul leaned in and kissed me gently and quickly. 

"Now, tell me how you've been since I've last seen ye?" Paul said as he smiled and cuddled up closer to me, relaxing on my chest. 

Ah, McCartney really  _did_ have a spell on me. 

 


	19. I Want To Tell You

~Paul's~

The night I had spent with John at Strawberry Fields was amazing. We talked all night, literally, until the sun came up. It was amazing, almost like getting to know him all over again.

The medication had been working well for John, he seemed much happier and much more confident. Our relationship had changed. For the better, though. We didn't see each other everyday, but John always made sure to call me before he went to bed. We had a nice system going, and I never thought it would change. 

Until the day John told me we were going to Hamburg.

Mike took the news pretty harshly. He really didn't want me to leave, but he understood after Auntie Gin explained what it meant and how happy it would make me to go. 

The first week in Hamburg had been a flash of gigs, alcohol and cigarettes. The only bad thing about this was John's new friend that he dragged along to be our bass player. Stuart Sutcliffe. John absolutely adored Stuart - which drove me nuts. He had no idea how jealous I was, but Stu began to catch on and took advantage of it. OFTEN. John had told Stu about us without consulting me first, which sucked. If I had a say, I would've said no. Stuart Sutcliffe was the last person I wanted involved in my (illegal) personal life. 

We were sitting around the table in George and Ritchie's room eating dinner, and I had been unusually quiet for my typical self. Stu sat right beside John, laughing at almost every word out of John's mouth - funny or not, and touching his arm. Flirting. Stu had a girl at the moment, Astrid, who had met at the Star Club. But that didn't mean he would stop making my life a living hell. 

"Bloody hell, this food tastes like rubbish!" John said as he pushed his food away and turned his nose up at it. He fumbled in his pockets for a cigarette, pulling one out and sticking it in his mouth. He leaned toward me, with lust in his eyes. "Got a light for me, Macca?" He asked, almost seductively. I reached in my pocket and before I could pull out my light, Stu had flicked a match and lit John's cigarette, looking at me with a smug look as if to laugh directly in my face. I felt my cheeks burning with jealousy and anger. I wanted to reach across the table and hit Stu as hard as I possibly could. John  _still_ didn't notice. "Thanks, mate." He said as he puffed away contently on his cigarette. Stuart looked at me like that WAY too often. 

I huffed as I stood up, almost slamming my chair too hard. John noticed. "Macca?" He questioned me. I shook my head and shot Stu a nasty look before going to the washroom. I stared in the mirror for a few seconds, trying to reassure myself that John didn't love Stu the way that he loved me, but it didn't work. I reached into my pocket and pulled out one of the pills that was given to me by the British, red headed bar tender at the Star Club. She called them "uppers". I popped one in my mouth, and sighed.  _Fuck it,_ I thought and popped another one. John barged into the bathroom and walked toward me slowly, putting his hands on my hips. I swallowed the pills quickly before he had the chance to notice. Sure, John liked his cigarettes and his alcohol, but he didn't agree with this kind of drug. I assumed it was because of his medication, he didn't think prescription drugs should be taken for fun. 

"What was that all about, then?" John asked as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. I shook my head, not speaking. I felt one of the -dry- pills stuck in my throat. "Macca, talk to me. I know you." He said, stepping back a little bit but not taking his hands off my hips. I swallowed hard, successfully swallowing the second pill. "I'm fine, John. Really." I faked a smile and kissed his nose. John saw right through it, and knew I was lying. "Paul.." He began. That's when I began to feel the uppers. I almost  _heard_ my pupils dilate, and I felt a shock of electricity and energy shoot through my body. I pulled away from John and splashed my face with cold water. "Fine, Paul. I'll be ready to listen whenever you're ready to talk." He said as he walked out of the bathroom.

I stared at my reflection for a few moments, before smiling. It felt good. I felt good. It felt like I had never experienced pain or hurt before in my entire life, even though I had. Perhaps I had found a way to wash my history of pain and hurt away. I could forget about it completely. I giggled to myself out loud at the thought. I had to find that bartender to get some more of those uppers. 

I walked out of the bathroom, and acted as though the other four men at the table didn't exist. I just kept walking passed them and out the door of the hotel room. "Paul?!" I heard George from behind me. Of course the young lad had to follow me. I didn't turn around, though. I knew he would catch up eventually. Once I had gotten in the lift, George scurried in beside me. "What the bloody hell do ye think yer doin'?" He asked, a little out of breath. I smiled and shook my head, reaching into his jacket pocket and snagging a cigarette. "Hey! Bloody hell McCartney, you look like a bloody lunatic. What's gotten int'ye?" George was persistent in questioning me. We exited the lift and found our way to the hotel bar. 

"I need t'go to the Star Club." I finally spoke after taking my first sip of a pint. George raised an eyebrow. "Why mate? We don't play again until tomorrow night." He pointed out as he took a large gulp of his own pint. "Don't tell John." I began. I could tell George, after all, he was my best mate. "Oh bloody hell, McCartney. I don't wanna get in the middle of yer relationship with John. Plus, if yer cheatin' on him y'know I'll pummel ye. Oh god, y'are, aren't ye? Jesus Christ, Paul. You're gonna ruin the poor guy's heart--" George began to ramble on. "George! Stop. I'm not cheating on him." I said calmly, still feeling the strong effects of the uppers. "Oh thank fuck. Y'know John, he would probably end yer god damn life. What is it, then?" George sighed in relief. 

"The bartender, y'know the short red head?" I began again. George nodded slowly in anticipation. "She gave me these pills. Well, uppers, she called 'em." I smiled, I couldn't help myself. "Shit, Paul. Yer on drugs?" George said, quietly and concerned. "Ye got that right. Bloody hell, Geo. I've never felt so god damn good in me life! I'm so happy. It's like I've forgotten what pain feels like! I can think about me god damned father nearly killin' me, and I don't feel nothin'! I'm not even upset! Geo, I am the happiest man on the planet right now, y'know?!" I ranted and ranted. George's eyes grew with concern. "Anyhow, I just took the only two I had. I figure we best go get some more." I smiled, then took the last big gulp of my pint. 

"Paul, I don't think that's a good idea, mate." George said, trying to sound stern. "C'mon Geo, I'm going whether you're with me or not." I smiled giddily and stood up. "I'm sorry Paul, but I didn't realize the time, I've gotta call me Mum. Promised her, I did." George lied. I knew he was lying. "Please don't tell John." I pleaded, still smiling. I hadn't smiled this much in a long time. "Y'have me word." George said quietly, almost sounding ashamed. 

I knew I could get to the Star Club on my own, it was just a matter of whether or not the same bartender was there and was willing to get me more. 

I walked outside into the evening sky, and noticed it was raining lightly. The raindrops on my head even made me smile. The Star Club was only a block or two away, so I knew I would have no problem getting there. When I did arrive, the bouncer recognized me immediately. "Ah! The Beatles." He nodded, obviously not knowing much English. He gestured for me to enter the Star Club. "Danke!" I smiled and walked in. I scanned around the club, noticing it wasn't nearly as busy as it had been when we were playing. That made me giddy all over again - we brought the crowd. I looked to the bar, and saw a tall bald man mixing a drink. I looked to the other end of the bar and saw the little red head. Thank GOD. 

I walked over to her, she smiled the moment she saw me. "You look so different without the rest of the band hanging off of you." She laughed and handed me a pint as I sat down on the stool in front of her. "I missed you're name, though." She said as she leaned on the bar, getting closer to my face. "Paul." I smiled and stuck out my hand, shyly. "Jane!" She giggled at the gesture. "What brings you back in? Bill told me you lads weren't playing again until tomorrow night." Jane asked me as she pulled up a stool and sat across from me. 

"Honestly, I took those uppers ye gave me the other day and I definitely would like some more." I said, quick and to the point. Jane raised both of her eyebrows and laughed. "I knew you'd like 'em!" She smiled. "I take them from my flatmate, he sells them. But don't you worry, sweet Paul. I'll give you as much as you'd like, he doesn't keep track too well." Jane told me. "Well, aren't you just the sweetest." I said back, flirtatiously. I didn't even feel guilty flirting, but I assumed it was because of the drugs. Jane was attractive, but as we've already covered, I, Paul McCartney, am as queer as the day is long. 

Jane told me all about her life, why she moved to Hamburg in hopes of an acting career. I found it odd that she didn't go to America, but she explained that America was just too expensive and far away for her liking at that time. Jane was from a very posh, upper class family in London. Her father was a doctor. I told her that I was from Liverpool, and that was it. As numb as I felt toward my past, Jane didn't need to hear it. 

"Ah, it's last call love." Jane told me. The drugs must have worn off, because I instantly began to panic. "It's that late?!" I asked, making the panic evident in my voice. "Yeah Paul, you've been sitting here with me for a while. Time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it?" Jane smiled as she leaned in and kissed my cheek lightly, sliding a small baggy across the bar and into my hand. She put her hand on top of mine. "Come back for more when you need 'em. I'll see ye tomorrow, Paul." Jane almost  _moaned_ into my bloody ear, causing tingles up and down my spine. Bloody hell, I needed to get back to John. He was probably worried sick. I winked at Jane quickly with a smile, but when I turned around the smile was wiped off of my face. I bolted toward the door and outside into the pouring rain. I reached into my pocket and grabbed one of the small blue pills and popped it into my mouth. 

The hotel seemed extremely far away. Due to the rain, it was hard to see. "MCCARTNEY!" I heard and instantly began to panic. I started walking faster, hoping the pills would kick in soon. "PAUL, PLEASE!" I heard again from behind me. I turned around and saw my John, slowing down from a run in the pouring rain. He looked beautiful. "Paul, what the hell!" He said as he pulled me in to his arms, I wrapped my arms around him. "I'm sorry," I whispered. Why didn't those bloody pills kick in? Perhaps I needed two for the full effect. 

"Why the hell did you just run off like that?!" John yelled over the loud rain, pushing me out of the hug and holding me by the shoulders. "Have you lost your bloody mind?!" He shouted again.  "Why don't you go talk to Stuart about it?! I betcha he'd have the answer, now wouldn't he?!" I shouted back. John's arms dropped to his side, we were both now drenched and dripping with water from the heavy pour. "What are ye talkin' about, love?!" John said as he grabbed my hand and began to tug me -gently, mind you- back toward the hotel. We both stayed silent as we stood in the lift, still dripping wet. John opened the door to our hotel room, and gestured for me to go ahead of him. I went straight for my suitcase and quickly hid the pills, and then went into the bathroom. I stripped of my wet clothing and wrapped a towel around my waist as John walked in and did the same, both of us still not speaking. 

He pulled me into his arms again, I rested my cheek on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Talk to me..." John whispered into my still soaking wet hair. I felt tears pricking at my eyes, and shook my head. John scooped me up like a small child in his arms, my head still resting on his shoulder, and walked out of the bathroom. He sat down on the bed against the head board, and carefully manoeuvred himself so that I was lying between his legs with my head still on his shoulder. I felt so fragile now, I began thinking it was the come-down off of the pills that made me feel so much. 

My heart was racing and I was definitely in panic mode. "Paul..." John whispered again against my hair. I finally let a tear run down my cheek, and he must have felt it drip off of me and onto his shoulder because he lifted my chin with his index finger. "Please tell me what's goin' on?" John said gently and quietly. I squeezed my eyes closed, and saw images flashing of my father. Of Michael. Of hospital rooms. Of fists and chairs flying at me. I let myself cry into John's chest. I hated making him worry like he was. I hated how amazing those pills had made me feel while on the high, and how low they brought me once they wore off. 

"D-dont't let go of me." I managed to whisper between sobs as John wiggled so he was lying flat on his back, with my head on his chest. John had one hand on my side, and as he heard me say those words, his other hand flew up and cupped his forehead as if to stop himself from choking up. "Never... m'love."

 


	20. It's Only Love

~John's~

The feeling of being on stage in Hamburg with George, Stu, Ritchie and of course, Paul, was one of the best feelings in the entire world. It was like being high, we fed off each other's energy as well as the crowd's. 

Earlier in the day, George had told me that one of the prozzies was talking to him about queer marriage and the fact that it was legal in Paris. I couldn't get it off my mind.

This particular night was more successful than most. The Star Club was packed tight, and there were even people lined up out the door. But even better than that, all of us were in an amazing mind set. The music sounded great, and we all felt great. Stu was on my microphone with me, and Paul and George were sharing a microphone. Ritchie was up on his drum kit looking as happy as ever. 

I looked over at Paul to find he was already looking at me. He had a huge smile on his face and his pupils were huge! I was so happy to see he was having such a good time. I winked at him and got back to pleasing the crowd. 

By the time the end of our set rolled around, we did our bow and exited the stage to the dressing room. "Bloody best show we've had yet, that was!" I said as I patted Stu on the back, who nodded in agreement. Paul and George were already getting ready to leave, but I wanted to stay for a drink. "Headin' out then, Paul? Geo?" I asked. Paul turned around with a raised eyebrow. "Yeah, I'm not feeling too good. Are you not comin' with?" He asked. "John, Ritchie and I are going to stay and have a drink. John will come home to wifey a little later after hanging out with the big boys, right Lennon?!" Stu answered for me as he jabbed me in the arm. "Yes, love. I'll be up to the hotel soon, just gonna have a pint with Stu and Ritchie." I told Paul as George walked by me, Paul not far behind. As Paul went to walk by, I grabbed his arm. "Are you okay, m'love?" I asked quietly. Paul nodded, and I noticed his pupils were now extremely tiny, almost unseen.

"I love you." I said even quieter in his ear in order for Ritchie not to hear. "Don't forget to take your meds, John." Paul said a little louder and walked away. That threw me off. He knew I took my medication in the morning in order for the alcohol I drank at night not to conflict with it. "What's got his knickers in a twist?" Stu asked loudly. Paul spun around and dropped his guitar case down, coming back down toward Stu. "Paul," I tried to grab him but he flung his arm away and shot me a death stare. My eyes widened, I'd never seen Paul like that before. Paul grabbed Stu by the collar and held him up, his feet dangling, against the dirty brick wall. "Fuck off, McCartney!" Stu yelled, as he tried to squirm out of Paul's surprisingly strong hold.

I ran up behind Paul and grabbed his shoulders. "Paul! Put him down!" I tried to sound as nice as possible, still while having Paul know I was serious.  _Let them fight. They're fighting over you._ I stumbled back away from my boyfriend and best friend as I heard the words in my head. I hadn't for so long that I was in shock by it. I shook my head a few times to bring myself back down to earth when I saw Paul putting Stu down. "Oh thank god." I mumbled as I walked back over to them. Ritchie shook his head. "I'm going to get a fuckin' drink before this gets too ridiculous." He said as he walked out of the dressing room and back out into the club. "Hell McCartney, didn't pin you as the violent type. More as the damsel in distress." Stu chuckled. Paul's face was beat red. "I will fucking kill you, Stuart." Paul snarled. "Paul! Don't fuckin' say shit like that, c'mon I'll take ye back to the hotel..." I said as I tried to pull Paul away from Stu. Unfortunately, it didn't seem like Paul could peel his eyes away from him. 

"Y'know what, John? Leave him. He won't do anything, anyway." Stu told me, with a smirk on his face. Paul lunged at him, and pushed him to the ground. Paul climbed on top of him and hit Stu in the face twice before Stu over powered and rolled Paul on to his back. "BLOODY HELL!" I yelled as I tried to pull Stu off of Paul. I knew Paul didn't like physical violence, for obvious reasons, but having Stu on top of him, hitting him repeatedly in the face must have hurt more than his face. "STU! GET THE FUCK OFF 'IM!" I screamed as I yanked at Stu's shoulders. "Fuck OFF Lennon!" Stu screamed as his elbow came flying into my nose. "Fuck!" I yelped in pain as I felt blood trickle out of my nose and down my face. Paul had stopped trying to fight back, his body fell limp and his eyes were closed. His face was covered with blood. I was frozen. I had never thought I'd see Paul like that again. It made images of him lying unconscious in that hospital bed flash through my mind. "Stu! You're gonna kill him!" I heard George yell from behind me as he ran back into the dressing room and yanked Stu off of Paul. "What the hell John?!" George looked at me with panic and anger in his eyes. Stu sat back against the wall trying to catch his breath, George holding him there. 

I knelt down to Paul and lifted his head up onto my lap. "Paul?" I said, trying to wake him up. His eyes fluttered open and he looked at me, looked over at Stu and back at me. He shoved me as he tried to stand up on his own. I jumped to my feet and held his arm as he stood up. "Fuck off, John." He said, blood pouring out the side of his mouth. I looked at George for help. "Take him to your room. I'll take care of this one..Ritchie will get your guitars." George told me, sounding extremely annoyed. Paul walked out the back door, and I was close beside him, trying to give him some help. "I don't want your help." Paul said before spitting a large amount of blood on the ground. "Do you want a cigarette, then?" I asked, trying not to push his limits. 

_Fuckin' leave him._

Had I forgotten to take my medication this morning?

"Yes please." Paul said. "Huh?" I had zoned out. "Fuckin' cigarette, Lennon." Paul said as he stopped, putting his hand out - waiting for a smoke. I put two in my mouth and lit them for us, handing one to him. I wanted to talk to him about the voices, but I couldn't make this about me. "Are you gonna tell me what all that was about, then?" I asked as we approached the hotel. "John, let me have my smoke, a shower, and then maybe we can talk about it. Okay?" He said, his voice sounding closer to it's normal softness. I nodded and opened the door to the lobby. He let a small smile out the side of his mouth. "Always such a gentleman." He whispered as he walked by me and through the door. I hated myself at that moment, I had stood idly by as my best friend beat the living hell out of my boyfriend. 

When we got into the hotel room, I didn't try to push anymore out of Paul. He went into the bathroom and I heard the shower turn on. I lied down on our bed and felt sorry for Paul for having to deal with a horrible boyfriend such as myself. I shouldn't have froze up the way that I had. I should've kicked Stu's ass. I decided I would change into comfier clothes, so I stood up and went over to my suitcase. I opened it up and began to rummage through it, and it wasn't until I stumbled across Paul's journal that I realized I was rummaging through the wrong suitcase. I held the journal in my hands, staring at it for a few moments. The shower was still on, so I could get away with reading it. As guilty as it made me feel reading his journal, I wanted to know what was going on with him.

I flipped to the most recent entry. The page on the left was a song he had been working on. But, the page on the right... 

_I have a feeling John is screwing Stuart._

_If not screwing, he's in love with him._

_What I'm saying is I don't think John and I are going to last with Stuart around.._

_My heart is hurting._

I heard the shower turn off and I threw his journal back under some clothing and closed the suitcase, immediately feeling guilty for invading his privacy, but even more so because I had made him feel like I was cheating on him. Was I that bad of a boyfriend? Paul walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He sat down on the bed and lit a cigarette, staring at the floor. I crawled on the bed behind him on my hands and knees and began kissing his shoulder and neck. "Are you okay?" I mumbled against his warm, still damp skin. He shook his head. "Look at me, Macca." I said, now sitting with my legs crossed. He turned around and looked at me, tears brimming in his eyes. 

"What's going on with you m'love?" I asked as I kissed his nose. He shook his head again. I touched his cheek and examined the damage on his face. "I'm losing you." Paul managed to mumble, sounding like the small fragile little boy I met in high school. I tried to pull him into my arms, but he stood up instead. "I need to be mad at you, John. I need to be upset. You can't just work your John Lennon magic and make everything disappear." Paul said as he pulled a pair of pyjama pants on and one of my shirts, which hung off of him making it obvious how skinny he had been. I nodded and nervously picked at my finger nails. 

"You can yell at me, if you want." I told him. He began pacing back and forth. "Just let me get this shit off me chest, John..." Paul said as he puffed angrily on his cigarette. 

"I hate the way you look at Stu, John - I fucking hate it. I hate the way Stu goes out of his way to make sure I'm jealous, and the fuckin' worst part about that is you're too fuckin' wrapped up in whatever the fuck Stuart is doing to even realize your boyfriend is upset! Fuckin' FUCK!" Paul blurted out almost all at once, already lighting a second cigarette. I didn't speak, I just looked at him with shame in my eyes. "I'm not fuckin' happy John, not with him here. But I can't very well tell you to get rid of him, because he's yer best fuckin' friend. It'd be like you telling me to get rid of Geo." He said as he sat down on the chair across the room. "I just hate it all. If you love Stuart, you'll tell me now so that I can bloody go home and get away from you." Paul said, choking up as he said the last few words. 

I shifted uncomfortably on the bed. "Paul, can I talk now?" I asked, hesitantly. He nodded as he wiped a tear off his cheek. "I don't love Stu. Not the way I love you. But you're right, he is me best mate and I don't want to send him away after it took all kinds of convincing to get him to come in the first place." I explained as I walked over to Paul, kneeling down between his legs and resting my hands on his thighs. "I had no idea you felt this way, and I'm sorry I let it come to this." I apologized quietly and kissed his knee. He wouldn't look at me, instead he focused on his cigarette and looked over toward the window, still with tears rolling silently down his cheeks. "I can't believe I let this happen to you again.." I whispered as I stood up and kissed his cuts and bruises.

"I'll be fine, John." Paul said blandly as he put out his cigarette. I decided to take charge. I stood up and scooped Paul up into my arms bridal style. "What the hell John?" He said, trying to sound like he still wanted to fight but I felt him sink into me. I sat him down on the bed so he was leaning against the head board. He was finally smiling. "Give me your ring." I said, trying to sound stern. His smile faded, "What?! Why?" Paul sounded panicked as he took it off and handed it to me. "Are you going to be with Stuart?" Paul's voice cracked as he asked the daft question, swinging his legs off the bed and standing up in front of me. "No, Paul." I said softly. "Then what?!" He was getting mad again. 

"George told me this morning that he was with a prozzie last night, and they got to talkin'. Told him she's got a queer brother who just went to Paris t'get married, guess it's legal there n'all." I said in a very sweet voice as I knelt down on one knee in front of Paul. 

"Paul McCartney, we've been on one hell of a bloody rollercoaster ride together but we always come back, the two of us. You've made me happier than I ever thought I could be, and I want to do the same for you for the rest of me life... Would you come to Paris with me? Y'know, so we could get married?" I held the same old ring out that I had given him back in Liverpool. 

My heart was beating faster than it ever had before. Here I was, 22 years old, asking my 20 year old boyfriend to marry me. 

"Oh my god, John, fuckin' hell, of course I will!" Paul's face lit up with glee. I slid the ring on his finger and stood up, smiling. "I'm so surprised I could bloody cry, John Lennon!" He hugged me, I could feel his heart thumping in sync against mine. "I love you so much." I said, before embracing him into a passionate kiss. 

"I love you, John. You're not going to let go of me, are ye?" Paul smiled smugly against my mouth. I placed another gentle kiss on his lips. "Never, m'love." I smiled against his lips.

 


	21. When I Get Home

~Paul's~

"What in the bloody hell  do you mean you've been deported?!" I asked angrily as I sat down at the table next to Ritchie. "I've gotta go back to Liverpool, mate. The owner at the Star Club found out how old I am, apparently I've been in there illegally." George told us, his head hanging as he packed his suitcase. "Well I'll go with you, Geo. It's not fair for you t'have t'leave." I told George. I didn't want to leave, but September was coming to a close and October was creeping in along with the cold weather. "I think it's time for us all to leave. We're a band, aren't we? Can't just go replacin' you two." Ritchie smiled as he stood up and began packing his suitcase as well. 

"Alright then, guess we're going home. Paul, c'mon to our room. We'll pack." John said, winking at me. I didn't want to leave, but I was relieved to know I had that baggie full of pills in my suitcase to keep me going. I nodded in agreement with my new fiancé and followed him out the door. John looked around the hallway making sure the coast was clear before he pinned me against the wall, one hand on my hip and one hand on my cheek. "'Ello, m'love." John grumbled in a low, sexy voice. I couldn't speak, instead I closed the small space between us and kissed him hard and passionately. John pulled away. "John?" I said as I slouched my shoulders, sounding disappointed. "If ye keep that up I'll have t'fuck you right here in the hallway for everyone to hear." John told me. I felt my cheeks go bright red. 

"C'mon we best pack." John said as he took my hand and lead me to the room. He opened the door for me, as always, like a gentleman. I walked on passed him and sat down on the bed. "I don't want to go home." I moped a little. "I'm a little relieved, if we're being honest here, baby." John told me as he put his suitcase on the bed, wide open. "Why's that?" I asked, tilting my head in an attempt to look cute. John raised an eyebrow at me. "Yes, yes you're very cute. I get it." John chuckled as he began shoving his un-folded clothes into his suitcase. "I'm happy t'be goin' back for me birthday. I wanted to spend it with you, Mike and Mimi." John told me sweetly. "Mike?" I asked. "Mike's like me little brother too, mate. I suppose after, y'know, we get married, he will be." John smiled as he zipped up his suitcase. "How weird is that to say?" I giggled as I lied back on the bed, my hands behind my head. "Say what?" John asked, sounding puzzled. "Sayin' we're engaged. Fiancees. Getting married." I said, feeling the butterflies erupt in my stomach as I said the words out loud. 

"Ah. I'm excited by it, love. Not once did I think I'd end up here, but here we are." John said as he picked up my suitcase and threw it on the bed beside his. 

My pills. 

I shot up and tried to shove him out of the way. "I've got it Johnny, don't worry about packing my stuff!" I tried to sound polite and calm, but John couldn't find those pills. I couldn't lie to him and say they were my pain medication because I had left them in Liverpool, not needing them anymore. He knew those pills weren't blue, too. These were quite recognizable. John wasn't born yesterday. "No no, love. I'm just trying to help. You relax and we'll be on our way." John insisted as he opened my suitcase. "I said I'd bloody do it, didn't I?!" I started to get rude. John narrowed his eyebrows at me. "What the hells gotten into you?" John said as he began putting my clothes in the suitcase. Perhaps he wouldn't find them, after all, he was just putting things in the suitcase - not taking them out. 

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." I apologized and walked into the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face and staring at my reflection. I knew that if John found those pills he would take them away and I wouldn't be able to have them anymore. He wouldn't understand the effects, the way they made me feel. But I kept shaking  my head and nearly laughing out loud to myself. He was packing, not unpacking. I began gathering up out toothbrushes and combs, when I felt a pair of eyes on me. I looked up into the mirror, meeting eyes with John. He was leaning against the doorframe staring at my reflection, face as straight as a board. "I'm just gathering up our toiletries love." I stated as I looked back down and started grabbing our razors. 

John didn't say anything back. I looked up again to see John with anger in his eyes and his tongue poking at his cheek. I didn't want to know, I had calmed myself down enough to just assume he was ready to jump my bones. I shook my head and returned to packing. John sighed loudly, and then I heard a thump. I looked up to see that John had thrown my baggie of pills onto the counter. My eyes widened and I spun around and looked at him. 

"Paul..." John began shaking his head. I started to think he wasn't going to be mad, maybe he would understand. He just looked worried at this point. I reached out to grab the pills to shove them in my pocket, but my gesture was interrupted by a strong hand on my wrist. "Don't! I can't believe you're THIS bloody daft! "John said sternly, his eyebrows narrowed and his lips pursed. My hand went limp under his hold and I put on my best lost-puppy face. I ripped my hand away from his and grabbed the baggie quickly, shoving it my pocket and pushing passed John. "Paul!" He said as he tried to stop me. I began throwing all of my belongings into the suitcase, feeling tears threatening to make an appearance. I was ashamed, embarrassed and most of all scared that they'd be taken away. "I'm sorry I yelled.. C'mon, let's talk..." John said as he sat down on the bed. "I'll just go back to Liverpool, you don't wanna see me. You're engaged to a bloody pill popper, aren't ya?!" I said, finally letting tears roll down my cheeks. 

"Paul, calm down... I shouldn't have gotten so mad, come on. Please talk to me." John said as he pulled me onto the bed. I sat down beside him with my head hung low. "Why are you taking those? Don't try to lie to me either, I know what they are." John allowed his voice to become stern again.  "Do you want this back?" I asked, holding up my engagement ring. "What? No! Paul I'm not calling off our wedding just because of this. I want to figure out why you're doing this in the first place!" John said as he shook his head, taking the ring from my hand and placing it back on my ring finger. "You have no idea how good they make me feel John. When I take them, I don't feel so depressed. I can think about my... past, without panicking and hating myself, John. They make me feel normal." I admitted, not looking up at him at all. I didn't want to see the disappointed look in John's eyes. 

John pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. I held on to him as tightly as I could. "I'm sorry I haven't been more supportive..." John whispered as he kissed the top of my head. "Will you stop taking them if I promise to help you more?" He asked as he pulled away and looked me in my tear-filled eyes. I nodded. "Enough of the negativity before I kill me damn self." I tried to joke and laugh as I stood up and started calm packing the few remaining articles of clothes I hadn't tossed in before. "Don't joke like that, m'love." John said with a raised eyebrow. "I love you." I said seriously. "I love you too, Macca." 

... 

The trip home seemed extremely long. We were all so eager to get there that it seemed to take a toll on all of our attitudes. But, finally, we made it. 

John and I were walking toward our homes. "So, d'ye wanna stay at mine? Or d'ye wanna go see Mimi?" I asked, hopeful he would stay with me. "I'll go spend the day with Mimi tomorrow, I've missed your warm little room and your cuddly little bed." John said, giggling and stomping out a cigarette. I smiled, happy to hear that answer. We arrived at my home just before dinner. I opened the door, excited for Mike's reaction to John and I coming home. "Hello?" I said as I kicked off my shoes, John not far behind me. "Paul?" I heard a little voice from upstairs. Mike ran down the stairs and jumped into my arms. "Jesus Mike!" I laughed and hugged him closely. "I'm so happy!!" He yelped as he jumped off of me and onto John. "Hey hey hey, son!" John laughed and hugged him back. 

Auntie Gin walked out into the front room with a huge smile on her face. "My two boys are back!" She was grinning from ear to ear and kissed each of our cheeks and hugged us tightly. John had a huge smile on his face, too. I could tell he loved being accepted to my family like this. Sometimes I wished it was by my father, but the father I had when Mum was around. "You're just in time for dinner, c'mon boys c'mon, then!" Mike was giddy and lead us into the kitchen. We all sat down and began to eat. 

"So, how was Hamburg? You best have kept our James out of trouble." Gin said as she looked over to John. Once again with my horrible first name. Gin refused to call me anything else. "Oh trust me, I kept him as safe as possible." John laughed politely. 

I took a look around the kitchen table and felt overwhelmed with joy at the way my family had turned out. 

Mike, my young brother who finally had a safe place to lay his head and a brother to look up to wasn't just a punching bag. 

Auntie Gin, my wonderful Aunt that dropped her life in London to come raise her abusive-alcoholic brother's children. 

And my fiancé, John, who was happy again. Whose life wasn't controlled by the voices in his head anymore. Who loved me. 

"Eh, Paulie? Did you hear me?" Mike interrupted my thoughts. "Oh I'm sorry, Mike. What were you saying?" I said, coming back down to Earth. I heard John giggle as though he knew that I was zoned out. "I just wanted to know if you and John would walk me to school tomorrow morning? I think it would be fun, y'know because I haven't seen you guys in so long and I just wanted to hang out before school?" Mike rambled a little bit until both John and I were laughing at how cute he was. "Of course we will Mikey. You and I might have to tickle Mr. John here until he gets out of bed, not an early riser, now is he?!" I said, as we all laughed and I nudged John's arm playfully. Our laughter was interrupted by a loud knock at the door. "Oh, hold on loves. I'll get the door." Auntie Gin said as she stood up and headed toward the door. 

"For your information, Paul, Mike would prefer if I took him to school! You'll be the one who sleeps in, and we'll dog pile--" John tried to say before his smile instantly wiped away and he stood up, staring passed my head behind me, toward the doorway of our kitchen. "John?" I said.  I looked over at Mike, who ran and stood behind John, whose face was more red than I'd ever seen it before. I saw Gin out of the corner of my eye, who slowly and silently sat back down at the table, head down. John's arm was wrapped behind him, holding Mike, who was now hugging him from behind. I had to turn around. I slowly stood up beside John, still facing him. His eyes still hadn't moved. John's was breathing heavily and his jaw was clenched. I took a deep breath and turned around slowly. 

When my eyes finally met who was standing behind me, my heart stopped. An old, withering, skinny man stared back at me.

"Dad?"

 

 

 

 


	22. Come Together

~John's~

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I was filled with anger. Mike was still hiding behind me, not making a peep. Paul stood frozen staring at Jim McCartney. It took a few moments before anybody could speak, I think we were all trying to analyze the situation and trying to believe it was really happening. Jim took his eyes off of Paul and locked with mine. "I think it's best if you leave." I managed to growl out. The sound of my voice made Mike tighten his grip around my waist. "This is my home, son. I believe it's best if you leave." Jim spat back, his voice sounding weak and shaken. 

"Take Mike upstairs." Paul ordered as he tilted his head slightly toward me. "Paul, no I'm--" I tried to object before Paul interrupted. "John, now." He said sternly. That meant walking right by Jim. I spun around and picked up Mike, who quickly hid his head in my neck and wrapped his limbs around my body. I took a deep breath and as I walked by Jim toward the stairs, it took every ounce of my strength not to head butt him. He glared at me as I walked by. 

I made it up into Paul's room, and sat Mike down on the bed. I sat down next to him and took another deep breath. "Are you okay?" I asked Mike quietly. He leaned into my side and I put my arm around his shoulder. I could hear him begin to cry, the poor lad. I did not want to be locked up here and away, Paul needed me. "P-Paul is downstairs..with him," Mike said quietly. I nodded. "G-go sit on the stairs and listen, Johnny, he might need you," Mike told me. "Are you gonna be okay if I do?" I asked, already standing up. He nodded and lied down on his older brothers bed. I opened the door quietly and tip toed down the stairs half way, sitting down and listening carefully. 

It was silent at first, I heard a chair shuffle and Jim sigh loudly. "Why are you here?" Gin asked. "I want my home back, I want my children." Jim said quite loudly. I shook my head to myself. I waited for Paul to object, but he didn't speak. "The boys have learned their lesson, I've quit drinking. I need my boys back." Jim ordered. I wanted to throw things. I wanted to hit Jim McCartney so hard he didn't wake back up. "Stupid git." I mumbled to myself. "Paul, don't you have anything to say?" Jim asked. "Don't you? An apology, perhaps?" Paul spat back quickly. I wanted to stand up clapping, and place a huge kiss on Paul's lips. I was so proud of him for standing up for him and Mike, not backing down. "Paul I did those things because I care about you, you're my son after all." Jim scoffed. It was all so unreal. "You nearly killed me because you care? That's bullshit." Paul laughed. "Don't take that tone with me, young man." I heard him stand up. "Or what? You'll put me back in a hospital bed?" Paul stood up as well. 

I braced myself. "Don't you have any respect for your father?" Jim raised his voice. "Fuck you." Paul spat back and left the room, he stormed up the stairs passed me and slammed his bedroom door shut. Jim showed up at the bottom of the stairs. I stood up. "Yer a swine." I growled at him. "Let me pass, kid." Jim shoved me, I fell but caught myself on the stairs. I took another deep breath, I couldn't hit him. Oh how I bloody wanted to, but I knew if I started hitting him I wouldn't be able to stop. I'd end up killing the old sod. Gin stepped out from around the corner. "Come on, let's all sit down in the living room and talk." She ordered, speaking loud enough so Paul and Mike would hear. Paul walked out of the bedroom with a still frightened Mike holding his hand. I leaned against the wall, allowing them to pass me. As Paul walked by, he lightly grabbed my hand. His touch reminded me that he was okay, and we were going to figure this thing out. 

Paul and I sat down together on the couch, Mike jumped up into my lap, Gin was in the chair, and Jim stood in the doorway. "Jim, you know the boys are both legally mine. Now that Paul is an adult, he's a secondary guardian to Mike. This is not your decision, its our's." Gin told him sternly. I couldn't believe how calm Paul seemed. Mike was fumbling with my fingers, not looking up at his dead-beat father that I oh-so-badly wanted to knock on his ass. "Then you should know that I've quit drinking and all I want is to be a father to you boys again." Jim said, calmly. "Had yer chance already and ye blew it, didn't ye?" I blurted out. The sound of my voice seemed to sooth Paul because his face softened. "Why are you here, Lennon? This is a family matter." Jim said as he stared me down again. "John is more family than you are." Paul said in an extremely low, monotoned voice. Jim's stare didn't break with mine. 

"If Paul and Mike agree, we can begin with visitations. Once a week, under my supervision." Gin said and sighed loudly. I tensed up immediately. "No." Paul said as he stood up and stared Jim in the eye. Paul had gotten quite a bit taller since the last time he'd seen Jim, and he looked more like a man than before. He was more muscular now with a lot more definition in his face. "I think it's time to go." I said as I stood up and shifted into the space separating Jim and Paul. "Bloody hell boy, what are you doing protecting him so much? Are you a queer? For MY son?" Jim spat at me as his nose inched closer to mine. I clenched my fists and huffed loudly in his face, using every ounce of my will not to hit him. Paul grabbed my shoulder and shoved me back. Paul grabbed Jim's collar, his eyes looked black with rage. 

"Don't you DARE speak to him like that!" Paul began yelling as he dragged Jim out into the vestibule. "Get the FUCK out of this house, and don't bother trying to be apart of mine and Mike's lives. FUCK YOU." Paul was screaming in Jim's face now, still beat red with anger. He opened the door and held his hand out toward the exit. Jim looked like his heart had just been ripped out and thrown in a puddle. Good. As he walked away, Paul slammed the door shut and slid down it, sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. I knelt down beside him. "I'm so proud of you." I whispered. Mike flew into Paul's arms, burying his small crying face into Paul's shoulder. Paul stood up with Mike in his arms and swayed him back and forth as if he was a crying toddler. Gin stood in the doorway of the sitting room, clenching her chest, tears rolling down her cheeks. I should've felt out of place, but I didn't. 

Paul didn't stop swaying back and forth in that spot for a while. Gin and I gave them their alone time and sat back down in the kitchen. "Do you think they would want some tea?" Gin asked me, still sniffling as she placed a pot of tea on the table along with four cups. "I'll go ask them." I half smiled as I stood up and approached the boys. Paul still hadn't moved from the spot he had been swaying Mike in. I kissed Paul's cheek. "Cuppa tea, love?" I whispered and kissed his temple. I noticed Mike was asleep on Paul's shoulder. Paul nodded and walked over to the couch, lying Mike down and placing a quilt on top of him. "Mum made this, she did." Paul whispered to Mike before kissing the top of his head. 

Paul walked back over to me, his head hanging. I lifted his chin with my index finger and kissed his nose lightly. "Are ye okay, m'love?" I asked him quietly. "Hard to look at him, y'know?" Paul said, his voice cracking a little bit as he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed. "Thank you for staying." He added. "Oh I wasn't going anywhere if my life bloody depended on it, Macca. C'mon, Gin is gonna see us." I told him as I pulled his arms off of me and dragged him into the kitchen. "I'm glad you boys are home safe, but I think it's time for me to resign. It's getting late after all." Gin said, almost awkwardly as she left the room and went to Jim's old room. "I love you, Paul." I said quietly as he poured us each a cup of tea. He let a smile creep out the side of his mouth. "I love you, John. I'm surprised you didn't kill the bastard." Paul laughed a little and put his hand on my thigh. "Oh trust me, I wanted to. Took all me bloody strength not to! Just seein' his bloody face got me blood boiling. Seein' wee Mike scared like that, and well, seein' you all red and mad." I told him as I sipped at my tea. "Seein' me like that made you wanna hit him?" Paul giggled a little. "Well, of course. But afterward I wanted to jump your soddin' bones, lookin' all sexy like that, y'know." I smirked and grabbed his hand, still placed on my thigh. 

"Are you hitting on me, John Lennon?" Paul said, trying to sound as shocked as possible. "I just might be." I said, in a low grumble as I leaned over and kissed down Paul's jawline and to his neck. 

"Paul?" Mike's little voice made us both jump. "Yes love?" Paul said as he took Mike's hand and pulled him up into his lap. "Thank you for protectin' me," he mumbled through a small whimper. "Ah Mikey, I'll always be here to protect ye." Paul said with a smile on his face as he hugged his small brother close, looking at me over his shoulder.  "Eh, Mike, do you wanna know a secret?" Paul said as he pulled away from the hug.  "Yeah!" Mike said, sounding a bit happier. "Johnny and I are gettin' married." Paul whispered with a smile from ear to ear. My eyes widened, I hadn't expected him to tell anybody. I suppose Mike wasn't just anybody, though.  "YOU ARE?!" Mike hugged Paul and quickly hopped off of him to hug me. 

"That we are, son." I smiled and hugged him back. "I'm gonna go t'bed, but remember to walk me to school tomorrow!" Mike was giddy, but yawning at this point. We said our goodnights and Mike ran up to his bedroom. "Brush your teeth!" Paul yelled after him. I laughed. "What are you on about, then?" Paul laughed too as he sat back down at the table, scooting closer to me. "Don't go freakin out on me, but I just wanted t'say I think you'd be a really great Dad, Macca." I smiled and kissed his cheek. Paul's cheeks went a light shade of pink. "Let's talk about Paris.. when were ye plannin' on goin' to do that?" Paul asked as he poured us another cup of tea. "Well I was thinkin' on me birthday." I replied with a smile. Paul nearly choked on his tea. "Ye birthday?! Bloody hell, Johnny. That's in a few soddin' days!" He said, surprised. "Shh, Mike and Gin are sleepin'!" I reminded him with a smile. "Is that too soon? Did you want time to think about it more?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "'No! I know I wanna marry ye, ye daft git. I'm only just surprised you'd wanna do it so quick." Paul said, defending himself and smiling. "It's settled then. We'll go to Paris for me birthday, and I'll marry the crap outta ye!" I giggled and kissed his hand, he laughed along with me. "Do you wanna tell anybody else?" Paul asked me a little quieter. "I suppose we could think about it, I don't mind just goin' the two of us y'know. But if you wanna best man er somethin'..." I replied. 

"Lets talk more in the morning." Paul sighed and finished his tea. "Well we can at least think about it, love." I smiled and took our cups to the sink. Paul grabbed my hand and began pulling me toward the stairwell. "I don't wanna think about it right now. I've got something else on my mind." Paul said with a smirk. "Oh bloody hell." I smiled and picked him up over my shoulder, and carried him to the bedroom, throwing him down on the bed. 

"I'll give ye somethin' to think about." I growled as I winked and crawled on top of him.

 


	23. Help!

~Paul's~

The smell of his musky skin was a turn on in itself. 

As John crawled on top of me with a smug smirk on his face, I could feel the blood rushing from my head down to my groin almost making me light headed.  I felt his thighs brush up against mine. His shirt was hanging off of him, showing off his distinguishable collarbones. The light moan that escaped his mouth and touch of his lips on mine was indescribable, it sent shivers down my spine. I felt a smile creep out the sides of my mouth uncontrollably. John slowly began to pull my trousers off, kissing down my thighs as he did so. The heat between us was like fire. 

Soon, we found both of ourselves completely nude. John was lying on top of me kissing me passionately as he thrusted himself against me. "I need you so badly, Paul," John moaned against my mouth. He slid down my body so perfectly he felt like my missing puzzle piece. When he took me in his mouth I couldn't help but yelp his name. John worked his way up and down my shaft and moaned against me. I thrusted into his mouth and tangled my fingers in his soft auburn hair.  "Fuck, Johnny," I moaned as quietly as I could. John lifted himself up and sat on top of me, grabbing my dick and placing himself on top of it. As he slowly slid himself down I closed my eyes. As I slid fully side of him I grabbed his hips. "Fuckin' hell, yer so fuckin tight." I groaned. John made a few uncomfortable noises before he settled himself on top of me, beginning to thrust his hips. 

"You feel so fuckin' good inside of me," John moaned as he began wanking himself as I fucked him. Beads of sweat were  dripping off John's forehead, the mere sight made me close. "Oh Paul, don't stop, right there fuck I'm gonna cum," He began moaning louder. I began to pump myself in and almost-out of him, hitting that lump that made him squeal. "Fuck, John!" I yelled almost too loud as we both spilled our seed, me inside of him and him all over my chest and stomach.  

John went to the bathroom, and I stood up and grabbed a dirty towel to wipe myself off. I collapsed down on the bed and John wasn't far behind doing the same thing on my small bed. "Fuckin' hell. That was amazing." John said breathlessly.  "Yer tellin' me." I smiled and cuddled up next to him as he flung his arm around me. "Have ye ever thought about kids, Paul?" John asked quietly. "Ye mean havin' some of me own?" I asked, resting my chin on his chest and looking up at his wandering eyes. "Yeah, I mean, we obviously can't make 'em. Does that change anything for ye?" John said, remaining quiet. "Of course not, John! Y'know we can always adopt." I said, smiling, trying to bring his spirits back up. They were seemingly down, now. "Oh alright. I just want to make sure I give you the life you've always wanted.." John said through a yawn.

"A life with you is all I'll ever need."  
  
  


...  
  
  
  


~John's~

I woke up to a bright bedroom with sunlight shining desperately through Paul's window. Paul was thrashing back and forth. "STOP!" He kept crying out. "Paul, love, it's only me. Wake up," I said soothingly until finally he opened his eyes. "It's only me," I whispered again, pulling him in close. "Sorry," Paul mumbled into my neck. "What happened, baby?" I asked. Paul sat up and stretched, showing off his perfect figure, flawless skin and adorably messy bed-hair. "It was just me Da--, it was just Jim. Took Mike. I don't really wanna talk about it." Paul tried to explain. He stood up and began to get dressed. "Where d'ye think yer goin'?" I asked, sitting up and stretching myself. "We've gotta take Mike to school!" Paul giggled as he jumped to pull his trousers up, a small baggie falling out of the back pocket and onto the floor. "Paul..." I began, as I stood up myself and grabbed my shirt. 

"John, I swear these are the trousers that I wore home from Hamburg, I haven't gotten a chance to get rid of 'em, I promise..." Paul was a rambling, nervous little boy again. "It's okay, I believe you. Can we get rid of them?" I asked, still sounding disappointed. "Not yet. I promise I won't take them, I'm just not ready... Y'know?" Paul sounded like he was begging as I turned my back and took my medication, the talk of his pills had reminded me. 

We were interrupted by a knock at the bedroom door. I opened it as Paul shoved the baggie into his top drawer. "Good morning!" Mike greeted with a smile from ear to ear. "I am ready to go!" He announced. Paul grabbed Mike into a tight hug, it warmed my heart. Mike laughed and pushed his big brother off of him. "Lets go! I'm gonna be late!" Mike said as he ran down the stairs to put his shoes on. "Come on then, love. Let's get Mike off to school, then you best go see Mimi." Paul said, walking back over to me and placing a kiss on my cheek. 

We followed the young boy out the door after throwing our jackets on. Mike was skipping and hopping around us like a child on Christmas morning. I loved how close he and Paul were, but I suppose they had to be close considering their previous circumstances. "Paul, do you think Mum is still watching us?" Mike asked out of the blue as he grabbed his older brothers hand, not slowing his pace but his facial expression changing from a smile to a straight face. "Of course she is, Mikey." Paul sighed. "But, then, why would she let that stuff happen to you?" Mike asked even quieter. My heart nearly stopped at the question. I had no idea how to answer that question, I couldn't even help Paul with that one. Paul, like Mike and I,  remained silent for the rest of the walk to Mike's school. We approached the gates, and Paul crouched down in front of Mike. 

"Sometimes bad things happen, Mikey. But no matter what happens, no matter where Mum is, you know I'm here. You can rely on me, okay mate?" Paul said, trying to be assuring. I smiled at Mike over Paul's shoulder, who smiled back and looked at his brother. "Okay!" He agreed and hugged Paul. I crouched down and hugged him too. "We totally look like a queer couple dropping off our child." I joked. "We kind of are, Johnny." Paul laughed with me. "I've gotta catch the bus, love. We need some food in the fridge, figure Gin should rest. Send my love to Mimi." Paul said, I wished that I could've kissed him. "I'll call ye?" I called after him. Paul didn't respond, he just turned around to walk backwards and winked at me.

As I walked toward Mimi's house I thought about our wedding and how excited I was. I wished that I could've told Mimi, but I knew she wouldn't have been supportive at all. At least we had little Mike to support us. 

Suddenly I was shoved and fell onto my hands and knees. "Bloody hell!" I said angrily as I shot up onto my feet, noticing small little scrapes of blood on either one of my hands. I spun around quickly to find Jim McCartney staring at me with anger in his eyes. We stared at each other for what seemed like five minutes, silently and angrily. "I don't know what kind of nonsense you've put into my son's head but it's your fault he won't even give me a chance." Jim stated, finally breaking the silence. "I haven't put anything in your son's head." I growled, trying to keep my composure. "It was only after you came along that he started talking back, getting stroppy on me." Jim said, taking a slight step back from me. "You were a raging alcoholic who nearly killed his own son, d'ye realize that mate?" I snapped back, taking a bigger step toward him. "I think yer probably the most daft man I've ever met." I snarled and stepped closer. 

"Unfortunately for you, young man, you can try as hard as you'd like, but my son will never love another man the way you evidentially love him. It just isn't going to happen." Jim said, inching closer to me. "Dirty fag." He added. 

Before I could stop myself my knuckles were already bleeding and Jim was lying on his back, cupping his bleeding nose. 

"Leave Paul and Mike the fuck alone. If you want to bother me, I don't mind givin' an old man a busted nose." I said as I spat on the ground beside him and walked away, checking out my knuckles. They were bleeding quite profusely now, must've gotten his teeth.  I felt a sharp pain in my left lower back, shooting up my spine and down my legs. I turned around to see Jim, standing with a small, sharp pocket knife dripping with blood. "Ye just bloody stabbed me?!" I grabbed at my back, trying to find the wound. My hands were shaking. I knew it wasn't enough to kill me, but it was enough to make me want to kill him. 

As I lunged at him, he spun around and bolted as fast as the old geezer could. There was no chasing him, I could feel blood trickling down my back. I couldn't go to Mimi like this, she would have a heart attack. 

I limped my way to Paul's house, hoping to God that nobody saw me and that he wasn't home yet, nor his Aunt. I burst through the door, not taking off my wet boots and limped up to the bathroom. I striped off my shirt and tried to twist my body to see the wound in the mirror. "You've had worse, Lennon." I muttered to myself. I ran the bath and waited for it to fill, feeling light headed. I stared at the water, holding my shirt against the bleeding hole. Once it was full, I striped down and climbed into the bath. Fuck did it ever sting. 

I lied down carefully, watching the water turn deep red. 

My eyes faded slowly shut.

 


	24. It's All Too Much

~Paul's~

I fumbled with the bags in my arms to open my front door, dropping one on the ground. "Bloody hell," I mumbled to myself as I reached down to pick it up. I shoved the door open with my hip and quickly went into the kitchen to put the food away. I put the kettle on and began putting the frozen items away. Something caught my eye, though. I looked into the hall to notice muddy, wet foot prints. I raised an eyebrow. Gin was asleep on the couch, it couldn't have been her. The footprints were too big to be Mike. He knows better than to leave his shoes on in the house anyway. I began to rack my brain, immediately coming to the conclusion that Jim was in my house. I took a deep breath and followed the footprints up the stairs and realized they went into the bathroom. The door was open a little bit and the light was on. I took another deep breath and walked in. 

John was floating in a bath full of bloody water. I stopped dead in my tracks, as I stared at him, what I saw changed. 

It was John, putting me in the bath, fully clothed. Something that had happened a long time ago. I saw him slapping my face lightly to wake me. 

I shook my head and saw John in the tub again. "Fuck," I ran and crouched beside the tub, pulling him up. "Johnny, John, please wake up," I began to lightly slap his face as he had done to me, so long ago. His eyes slowly fluttered open. "Paul," he muttered quietly and weakly. "What happened?! We've got to get you to the hospital," I said as I tried to lift him. He flinched as I wrapped my arms around his back. "Johnny you've gotta tell me what happened," I tried to speak calmly. "J-Jim, me back," John was white as a ghost as he spoke. I sat him up and noticed an oozing wound. "Bloody hell he did this to you?!" I was panicking now. 

"What's going on up here?!" I heard Gin yell as she came up the stairs. "Call an ambulance, the police, someone!!" I screamed and held John, picking him up carefully and wrapping a towel around him. He could barely stand on his own, he lost too much blood. I put his trousers on him and didn't bother with a shirt. Gin stood in the door way, wide eyed and shocked. "GIN!" I yelled to snap her out of it. "I'll call!!" She yelped and ran down the stairs to the phone. John collapsed into my arms. My heart was racing as fast as it possibly could. His eyes fluttered but they were locked on me. "Macca," he whispered. "I'm here love, I'm here," I held him close. "M'love, my beautiful boy," John whispered before closing his eyes. "John? John?!" I shook him a little, feeling my body begin to shake in fear. 

"Excuse us," I heard behind me. I spun my head around to see three paramedics. One began pulling me away from him. "No!" I yelped, not wanting to let him go. "Son we need to get him help." The one pulling me said. They put John on a stretcher and began taking him down the stairs. I chased after them, only to be stopped by two officers. "We need you to stay here for questioning." The taller one said. "No! He needs me!" I yelled and tried to shove passed. "Please let him go." Auntie Gin said sternly behind me. "Who did this?" The shorter police officer asked me. "My father, Jim McCartney," I said, my eyes still on John who was now being taken outside. "Go on then, kid." The taller officer said. I looked over to Gin, who nodded. "I'll stay, go with John." She told me. 

I ran outside and hopped in the back with John, who was still unconscious. The paramedic was feeling for a pulse. "I've got a faint pulse here, starting CPR." He yelled to the other paramedic. Just like that, the doors were closed and we were flying to the hospital. I watched in horror as he paramedic gave John CPR. 

I felt so unbelievably helpless. 

When we arrived at the hospital, they wouldn't allow me into the room with him until they could stabilize him. I stood in the doorway, as far as I was allowed to come, and what I saw changed again. 

It was me laying in the hospital bed, battered, bruised, broken and concussed. John was sitting in the chair next to the bed holding my hand, looking extremely tired. "Paul please wake up, please, I need you, m'love... don't leave me..." John was muttering over and over again. It sent shivers down my spine, and I felt a piercing pain in my ribs, the ones that never healed properly. 

"Hey! Kid!" 

I snapped out of it and realized there was a nurse standing in front of me. "I'm sorry," I said, flustered and rubbing my side. "You can go see him now." She gestured for me to go into John's room. I caught my breath and walked passed her into John's room. He was awake, still pale, but smiling. "Bloody hell John," I said as I ran to his side, grabbing him carefully into a hug. "I'm so sorry, this is my fault, John I'm so sorry," I rambled into his bare shoulder. "No it's not Macca, it's not your fault." John said, smiling as he pulled me off of him, looking in my eyes. "I'm so sorry John," I said, fighting the feeling of tears pricking at my eyes. "Tell me what happened," I sat down on the bed beside him, not letting go of his hand. 

"It's over Macca, I don't want you to have to hear about it. Look at ye, m'love. You're pale and shakin'." John observed and touched my cheek. "I need to know, John." I said sternly, looking down at his waist. It was wrapped up all the way around his torso with gauze. "He just followed me, on me way to Mimi's. Didn't make it that far though, did I?" John laughed, flashing his stunning smile that constantly reminded me just how much I loved him. "He blames me for ye goin' stroppy on 'im. You know me, gave him some words, I did. Called me a dirty fag, so I hit 'im." John's words became quieter and quieter. "Turned round t'walk away and he stabbed me. Small knife, it was. But guess he got me good." He kept trying to sound as though it wasn't a big deal. "I told ye." I mumbled. "Told me what?" He loosened his grip on my hand. 

"That you'd get hurt. Remember?" I mumbled again. "Bloody hell, McCartney. Don't give me that shite. You bloody well know I would take a bullet for you." John was serious now. I tried to smile, but the look on his face wiped my smile away. "I'm sorry John." I said sincerely. "Stop yer bloody apologizin'. Everything is fine, I'm fine. But are you?" John took my hand again, smiling reassuringly. 

Suddenly I saw something in John that I hadn't seen in what seemed like forever. 

His eyes were wandering quickly, his breathing began to sound heavy and I could feel how fast his heart was racing based on his wrist pulse. 

He noticed me touching his wrist and pried his hand away from me, his eyes glazed over. I stood up and backed away from him, unsure. "John?" I said quietly. It didn't seem like his eyes could find me. 

"John are you there?" 

I knew John had taken his medication that morning. Why was this happening?

"Paul," he finally spat out. "Jesus Christ," he stuck his hand out for me. I hesitantly approached him. "What just happened?" I asked as I took his hand and sat down in the chair next to his bed. "Paul, they won't stop." John's voice was shaky and his face was pale. My eyes widened. "I'll go get the nurse," I stood up but his grip on my hand tightened fiercely. "Ouch, John!" I tried to wiggle out of his hand but he just kept tightening his grip. "No! They'll throw me in the looney bin! Just get me damn pills Paul!" John yelled at me, finally letting go of my hand. 

I quickly ran out into the hallway, closing the door behind me and taking a deep breath. I hadn't seen John act that way since before Hamburg. 

"Mr. McCartney?" An officer said. "Of course." I rolled my eyes and turned to him. "Yes officer?" I said in a huff. "I just wanted to discuss your father." He stated. I rolled my eyes again. "Never ends, does it?" I asked sarcastically. "Pardon?" The officer was a bit defensive. "I'm sorry. What do you want to discuss in regards to my father?" I asked, trying to sound posh and polite. "Well we have arrested him, and pending the decision of Mr. Lennon, he will be charged with attempted murder. Now we looked up your case history, and it looks like you and your brother were adopted after an incident with your father. If you're willing, we'd like to take him to court and see if we can have him prosecuted with two charges of attempted murder. I have a lawyer on standby, if you'd like to meet with him." All of the information floored me. I was stunned, staring the officer in the eye. "Mr. McCartney?" He tried to snap me out of it. 

"I-ugh, John needs, uhm, me t'run home, sorry sir, I'll have to talk to you when I get back." I tripped over my words and walked quickly toward the door. I lit up a cigarette and held in the smoke. I looked up at the sky and felt the burn of the cigarette smoke in my throat and lungs. "Bloody hell Mum." I said quietly as I finally released the smoke out of my nose. "What am I suppose to do?" I asked her. The worst part was I was expecting an answer. "What in the bloody hell am I suppose to do!" I yelled at the sky, finally letting tears stream down my cheeks. I began walking toward my home, kicking rock after rock, smoking cigarette after cigarette, having absolutely no shame as people walked by and stared at the crying McCartney boy. 

As I approached the gate to my house, I stopped. I lit up another cigarette and stared at the house in front of me. It began to rain, and I could feel drops of water drip onto my beat red cheeks. 

Suddenly I saw a bright, shining house with a beautiful garden. My mother stood in the doorway with a baby Mike on her hip, smiling and waving at me. 

"Fucking hell!" I screamed as I threw my cigarette on the cold, wet pavement. "Fucking hell." I sobbed as the sight disappeared and the dark looking home reappeared. I needed to get John's medication, but I couldn't bring myself to walk through the gate toward the house. There was too many nasty memories. Plenty of fond memories too, I admit. "Stop being such a bloody child, and go inside." I mumbled to myself. 

I took a deep breath and opened the gate. I approached the door and looked inside the small window. Mary's face smiled back from the other side. I looked away, back to the ground. I was so overwhelmed that my mind was playing tricks on me. John needed me right now. 

I took another deep breath, and opened the front door.

 


	25. Your Mother Should Know

~John's~

_Forty-six minutes._

My mind was thinking a million words per second. 

_Paul. Paul. Paul. Alone. Exposed. Hopeless. Paul. Paul. Paul._

My heart was beating a million beats per second. Paul had been gone for forty-six minutes. 

_Forty-seven minutes._

It rang in my head like an alarm clock. I was convinced that if I took one of my pills it would calm the voices down. I had never felt so scared, angry and upset more than this moment. I was constantly reminded that at the end of the day, John Winston Lennon was alone. 

_Forty-eight minutes._

Alone in this dirty, dim lit hospital room. Alone with the once white curtains that were turning into a horrible yellow stain of a colour. Alone with the six lightbulbs, one of which was flickering repeatedly.

_Forty-nine minutes._

"I can't do this anymore, bloody hell, it's too much," I said out loud to myself.  _Bloody right it's too hard, you can't keep on this McCartney lad forever. It's just going to keep getting harder and harder with that one, isn't it?_ "You're wrong!" I yelled to myself, another reminder of how absolutely crazy I was going.  _These machines are doin' it t'ya. Messin' ye right up. Take em out_ _._ I examined the tube going into my arm and the machines and wires attached to my chest. 

_Fifty minutes._

I began ripping them out. First I ripped the wires off of my chest, causing a few of the machines to beep like mad. Then I ripped the tube out of my arm, causing blood to shoot out of me like some sort of film. It made sense, the machines were messing with my brain. That was why. 

_Fifty-one minutes._

It took Paul fifty-one minutes to come back to me. When he opened the door, it was obvious he wasn't surprised in the slightest at what I had done. Paul already had a frown on his face when he entered the room, but when he realized I was bleeding out of my arm where that tube should've been he simply sighed and approached me. He threw my bottle of pills on the side table and proceeded to wrap up my arm. As he did so, I grabbed my medication and popped three pills. I knew that was pushing it, but they needed to help me and they needed to help me now.  _Tell precious Paul to leave._ "Are you okay, John?" Paul asked as he finished wrapping up my arm, sitting down next to my bed.  _Nope, no you're not._ I shook my head to try and ignore the voices. "I'm fine Paul. The medication will kick in, soon I hope." I tried to smile. 

I looked at him and realized he was staring down at his hands, twiddling his thumbs slowly. "Paul?" I tried to get his attention. We were interrupted by a doctor barging in. I quickly pulled the sheet up over my arms to make sure he didn't notice I had ripped tubes and wires out of myself. "Alright John, looks like you're good to go, son." He began to tell me as he handed me a piece of paper. "These are the names and numbers of the officer and lawyer who are interested in expanding your case with the man who stabbed you's son. Officer says he put his own son in the hospital." The doctor told me as if this was new information to me. I glanced at Paul, who didn't even flinch.  _Go home._ The voices began to sound different, perhaps they were fading away again. 

"Thanks Doc. I'll be in touch with them." I smiled, hoping he would take the hint to leave. "Come back in a week to have your stitches removed, I'll send a nurse in momentarily to help remove your IV and what not. But, all the best son." He smiled back at me and exited the room. I looked back over to Paul. 

Beautiful Paul. Loving Paul.

Hurting Paul.

"Paul are  _you_  okay?" I asked as I stood up out of the bed, untangling a few of the wires still wrapped around my torso and legs. Paul stood up and handed me my shirt, with a smile that I had seen before. It was an extremely fake smile. "I'm okay." He nodded. "I scared you... didn't I?" I asked, gently and slowly reaching out and taking one of his hands. "It's getting hard, John..." Paul said quietly, loosely and barely holding my hand back. My stomach sank. "What d'ye mean?" I asked kind of sternly, afraid of his response. 

"Come in, John. Let's go home. I don't care t'talk about this here." Paul said, pulling me toward the door. I yanked him back, a little too aggressively I must admit. "No, talk to me now." I urged. Paul's shoulders sunk and he leaned against the closed door. 

"Are ye callin' this off? Runnin' away because ol' Lennon is a nutter?" I asked, trying to sound as tough as possible but I knew he saw through it. He saw through the tough exterior I had spent years and years perfecting to the soft, scared little boy who was petrified of abandonment. "Don't pull that shite with me, John Lennon." Paul said, his eyes piercing through me. "I'm not leavin', ye daft git. Stop actin' like that, or else maybe I will bloody leave. Yer not the only one struggling, d'ye realize that? D'ye realize that on top of everything that I'm strugglin' with, I've got t'help you with what YOU'RE strugglin' with. I've always bloody said I'd be there for you, John. I love you. I'm just.... I'm just hurtin' too." Paul's tone changed by the end of his ranting, he went from angry red faced Paul, back to soft loving Paul. 

"I'm sorry.. it's easy t'forget sometimes that ye have yer own shite. Ye just seem to handle it so well. I dunno." I tried to apologize, now realizing that the medication had kicked in and the voices had stopped. I smiled to myself. 

Just as Paul tried to speak, we were interrupted again by a nurse. "Oh, you've already gotten off the machines?" She said with her eyebrows raised. "Yes, another nurse just came in and did it, ta love." I smiled and hoped she bought it. "Alright, get well." She smiled and left the room. 

"Paul... m'love... I'm sorry," I said quietly as I approached him, putting my hands on his hips. He looked up at me with his big, sad doe-eyes and let out a single tear. "I saw her, John.. I saw me Mum.." Paul whimpered. I quickly pulled him into my arms and squeezed him tightly. I felt his hands tightly gripping my shirt, and his tears flow onto my neck. "There's no reason to keep it all inside, love." I whispered into his hair as I placed a few pecks on the top of his head. "She's only protectin' ye, I promise." I reminded him softly. I gently pulled him off my shoulder so I could look at him. 

God, how beautiful he was. The way his long beautiful eyelashes fluttered when he spoke, the way his eyebrow arched and the way his plump bottom lip hung open. His beautiful chubby cheeks pink and rosy. I closed the space between us and lightly pressed my lips against his. "C'mon, m'love. Let's go home." I smiled into the kiss, quickly breaking it to grab my medication and shove the small bottle into my pocket and lead him out the door.

"You need to go see Mimi," Paul mumbled as we exited the hospital that we both seemed to now know too well and into the rain, I noticed Paul look up to the grey Liverpool sky. "I think we both just need to get some rest, how about that?" I suggested as we took the turn toward Forthlin Road. Paul just smiled and nodded. 

"Whaddya think about takin' Jim t'court?" I finally asked, addressing the elephant that had been following us. Paul let out a deep sigh, as if he too was preparing for the topic to be brought up. "I think I want to, I just know it'll be difficult. I don't want t'talk about that time of me life anymore, especially to strangers." Paul admitted as we finally approached his home, stepping inside out of the cold rain. "Ah, Gin must be out picking up Mike from school." Paul observed as he sat down in the kitchen. I started the kettle and sat down next to him. 

"I know it would be tough, m'love, but you know it'd be so worth it. And even more so, I would be with you the entire time. I would be so proud. We've come so far from those horrible times with Jim, he deserves to rot in a jail cell. Don't you agree?" I asked him, hoping I wasn't crossing any lines by discussing it with him too extensively. "Agree? Of course I agree. That man ruined me entire childhood, messed up me damn ribs forever and worse, he messed up me damn mind forever. Let's do it, Johnny. Let's throw the bastard away." Paul told me as he kissed my cheek. "That's my boy." I smiled and kissed his soft lips. "It'll be hard.." He said softly. I noticed his eyes beginning to wander away from me and to the chair next to me. The chair that had been used by Jim McCartney to shatter Paul's bones. 

I picked up his face by the chin with my index finger. His eyes looked scared and absent. "It's only me, Macca." I said softly. A smile grew on his face, before the kettle began screaming, causing us both to jump. We both laughed and I stood up to make the tea. "It'll all work out. Pretty soon, there won't be a free Jim McCartney to worry about." I told him as I brought him his tea, and sat down with mine. "You're right I suppose. Perhaps we should call that lawyer and see what he's got to say then, huh?" Paul questioned and blew on his hot tea. "Tomorrow, love. Look at me, for Christ's sake Paulie! I must look like the damned grim reaper. I don't have any more energy in me, love." I tried to make him smile, and I was successful in doing so. "You look bloody handsome to me." Paul blushed a little bit and sipped away on his tea. 

"I am sorry 'bout before too, Paul. I dunno what came over me, but the voices were real bad. I'm really sorry." I told him, gently placing my hand on top of his. "Have a talent for scarin' the hell out of me, you must have." Paul giggled a little bit and laced his beautiful fingers with mine. Our hands quickly pulled away from one another's as we heard Gin open the front door. Mike rushed into the kitchen. "Hello!" His small voice lit up the room. Paul's smile widened and his eyes lit up at the sight of his younger brother, embracing him in a tight hug. "How was school, lad?" Paul asked him as he picked him up and placed him on his lap. As Mike spoke about the nonsensical day only a child his age could find exciting, I noticed how intently and happily Paul was focused on him. He took every word out of Mike's mouth to heart, smiling the entire time. Gin obviously hadn't told him about me getting stabbed. 

"And that was my day Paulie! What about your's? Was it exciting?" Mike asked, yawning and resting his head on his older brother's shoulder. "Oh yes, Mike. It was bloody exciting." Paul said, making eye contact with me and smiling.

That smile could save lives.

 


	26. Hold Me Tight

~Paul's~

I woke up by myself. John wasn't lying beside me in my small childhood bed. As I walked down to the kitchen, I noticed that Mike was gone to school and Auntie Gin must have been out. I turned on the kettle and began to make breakfast, when I noticed a note on the table. 

_My love,_

_I've gone to Mimi's. I figure I should see her, since we've been home for a few days now. I know you may not want to call, but I left the phone number for the lawyer on the fridge._

_Ring me when you wake up. You probably won't be up anytime soon, but I love love love you Paul._

_J.L._

I smiled as I read the note. I sat down with my tea and looked down briefly at the newspaper that had been left open. John was right about me sleeping in, I glanced at the clock on the wall and it was 2 o'clock pm.I thought about when John and I would be able to have our own house, with our own kitchen and our own tea. I smiled again, at the thought of a normal life with John. I knew it wasn't completely possible, though. People would notice when two men lived together for years and never had girlfriends. They'd definitely notice when two men adopted a child. I wanted a child, eventually. I couldn't see myself having a child with anybody except John, though.  

The small piece of paper with the lawyer's phone number on it caught my eye. I stared at it for a few moments before snatching it off the fridge.  _M. Edison, Attorney of Law._ I poured some more tea and kept the phone number in my hand. John was right, I didn't want to call. It was going to be a lot of stress and it was going to bring back a lot of hard memories. But I knew it was going to put Jim away. Where he couldn't get anywhere close to Mike or John. Soon enough, I found myself dialling the number. 

"Good afternoon, Mr. Edison's office?" A young lady's voice said from the other end of the line. "Uh, hi, my name is Paul McCartney and I'm uh, calling for Mr. Edison?" I said, my voice sounding obviously shaky and nervous. "Ah yes! Mr. McCartney, thank you for calling. Mr. Edison has been expecting your call. Hold on, I will retrieve him for you." The young lady's voice became even higher with excitement. "T-thank you." I tried to remain calm. I sipped on my tea and waited not-so-patiently. "Mr. McCartney!" A man's voice said on the other line. I jumped, spilling a little bit of my tea down my chin and onto my t-shirt. I cleaned it up quickly as if I thought this guy was going to see me. "Hello, sir." I finally said. "I'm glad to hear from you. When can we make an appointment?" Mr. Edison asked. "Uh," I tried to think. "How about Friday afternoon? Gives me some time to prepare, and you some time to gather your information. I am still waiting to hear from Mr. Lennon, though." Mr. Edison suggested. I smiled at the thought of someone calling John "Mr. Lennon". I nodded, once again thinking he could see me. Sometimes my anxiety made me act in the strangest ways. "Friday is good. Actually, Mr. Edison, I can bring John Lennon with me. He's a very close mate of mine." I told him, hearing the front door open and close. 

"That would be lovely, Mr. McCartney." I tried to peer around the corner to see who came in the door. I pulled to far and felt the telephone shift off the counter. I jumped back to catch it, successfully. "We will see you on Friday, sir." I said as I hung up the phone. "Hello?" I called as I slowly walked toward the hall. I felt two hands on my hips from behind grab me quickly. "Ah!" I yelped and turned around to find John standing there with a large grin on his face. I smacked his chest and shook my head. "Bloody hell, Lennon. Ye scared me right out me skin." I clenched my chest, breathing heavily but laughing because of how proud of himself John was. "Yer eyes nearly pooped out of yer head!" John was still giggling uncontrollably. "Bugger off!" I shoved him and made my way back into the kitchen to my tea, which was now cold. I turned the kettle on again. "Tea, love?" I asked John. John hummed and nodded as he came up behind me again, kissing my neck. "Mimi wants t'see ye for dinner tonight m'love." John mumbled against my neck, shooting tingles down my neck and spine. I raised an eyebrow as I spun around, pushing through him to pour our tea. "Is that so?" I asked, sounding surprised. 

"Don't get too excited m'love. I told 'er about Jim. I told 'er everything." John said as he sat down with a concerned look on his face. My eyes widened. "Everything?!" I asked, sounding irritated. "I had to, love. I left early this mornin' cause I had a bit of a break down. It was stupid. But anyroad, I went home to Mimi and she asked what was wrong. I started wailin' like a little school girl," John chuckled as he spoke, "And I just told her everything." John stopped chuckling by the end. "Are ye okay now?" I asked as I poured some milk in his tea and handed him a spoon. "Ye, I am. She's a wreck though. Feels terrible 'bout you and Mike." John told me as he took my hand on the table, examining it as though he'd never seen it before. I smiled at him. "I called the lawyer." I blurted out. John nearly choked on his tea. "Really?" He asked. "We've got to go see him on Friday.." I added. John nodded and smiled into his tea. "I'm proud of you." John said quietly as he set the cup down, leaning in and placing a delicate kiss on my lips. He pulled away. "Stu called me today," I rolled my eyes as soon as I heard that bastard's name. "And?" I nodded and pulled my eyes away from him, looking down into my cup. "Guess he's gettin' married. Can ye believe that? Stu and Astrid. Wants me to be the best man, he does." John was obviously nervous about how I was going to respond. "That's lovely." I smiled. "Don't be cheeky, Paul." John told me. "M'not! It's lovely, John." I said, trying to seem more sincere than the first time. 

"I know of ye feel about him, Paul." John's voice lowered. John kept a tight grip on my hand as I grew more uncomfortable. "I don't want to hold ye back from seein' him, John. I just don't want to feel the way I did in Hamburg, y'know?" I said with a nervous shake in my voice. "Can't ye just put that shite behind us?" John said rather rudely. My defensive walls went up, and I pulled my hand away from him and remained silent. "Don't start, Paul. Christ." John stood up and turned the kettle on. "I'm not startin' shit." I said quietly, looking down at my hands. I began to pick at my nails nervously. "I can tell yer tryin' t'make me feel bad about Hamburg. S'not my fault yer a jealous bastard." John said as he sat back down, lighting a cigarette. "Callin' me a bastard now?" I asked. John took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, m'love. I'm just frustrated and ye know yer not helping." John said, sounding much calmer. "Why in the hell are you frustrated, John? Because you get to attend your best friends wedding?" I took one of his cigarettes as I spoke. 

"No Paul, because I know if I go to Hamburg for the wedding, my fiancé will lose his damn mind and think I'm screwin' a different bloke!" John raised his voice again. "It's not even that, John. Look, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done with the arguin'. You're your own man, I can't make your decisions and tell you what you can and cannot do." I shook my head and looked back down to my hands. "I don't know why you're being so difficult. I know you're just sayin' that now to get out of an argument. Fucking hell, who would've thought we'd end up here? The first person I fall in love with is a bloody bloke. That relationship ends up being the most serious fuckin' relationship in the world, because-" John stood up and stopped talking half way through his rant. "Because what?!" I asked, standing up in front of him as he began pacing in my kitchen. John threw his cigarette into the ashtray hard, and grabbed my collar. My eyes widened and I held my breath. "Because I'm so head over fuckin' heels in love with you, Paul. Because nothin' else in the bloody world matters because I have you. Because I have nothin' else to bloody live for than you. It's you, Paul. It's always going to be you." John loosened his grip and slowly moved his hands up on to my cheeks. 

The feeling of fear had quickly changed to relief. "I-I," I tried to apologize. "You don't have to say anything. I promise I'm not going to do anything to hurt you, whatever you want Paul, I'd swim across the bloody ocean to get it for you." John's words made my heart melt. He leaned in and kissed me softly and gently. I felt him smile against my lips. He pulled away, but thankfully not to far. I felt John's nose on the tip of mine. "I'll never get over the fact that you, Paul McCartney, are with me." John smiled. "And I am sorry, I shouldn't have gotten so defensive." John added. "Me too." I nodded in agreement and collapsed into hug, burying my head in his shoulder and wrapping my arms around his waist. "I love you." I said quietly into the crook of his neck. "Everything is okay?" John asked, placing a few kisses on the top of my head. 

"As long as you never let go of me." I smiled to myself and curled my fingers into his t-shirt tightly. "Never ever, m'love!" 

 


	27. It Won't Be Long

~John's~ 

Friday came quickly that week. My birthday was a little over a week away, meaning Paul and I were suppose to get married then. I knew depending on how the meeting with the lawyer went, there was a possibility on postponing the wedding. I also knew I didn't want that. 

"John!" Mimi called from the bottom of the stairs. "Comin' Mimi!" I yelled back. I put on my best dress shirt and tie. A black long sleeve and my Quarrybank tie. I ran down the stairs and sat down at the table. Mimi turned around and placed two cups of tea in front of us. "Are you prepared for the meeting? Are you sure you don't want me to come?" Mimi asked. I chuckled at her persistency. "I'm ready, don't worry. Paul and I will be just fine." I told her as I sipped at my tea. "You two seem like such an odd pair. Like a married couple." Mimi joked, but my heart stopped when she said married couple. "You look like you've seen a ghost, John." Mimi observed. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "All is well, Mim. Just a bit nervous for Paul, s'gonna be hard for him and all." I said, thinking of an excuse for my odd behaviour. 

It wasn't completely untrue, I knew that this was going to be hard on Paul regardless of the outcome. "John, look at the time. You're going to be late meeting Paul, all because your lack of getting up on time." Mimi scolded me as she snatched my tea away. I looked at the clock and jumped up. "Bloody hell, you're right!" I grabbed my leather jacket and slipped on my boots. "Language, John Lennon!" Mimi called after me as I walked out the door. "Bye Mimi!" I called back. 

It was a typical rainy day in Liverpool. I tried to shield my shirt and tie as much as possible with my leather jacket as I made my way over to my fiancées house. I didn't usually knock anymore, but I didn't want to sneak up on Paul on a day like this. I knocked a silly "secret" knock. The door flung open to reveal a small Mike. "John!" He jumped onto my leg. "Hello, son!" I laughed and hugged him back. Paul came down the stairs slowly, smiling at me. He wore a white dress shirt with a pink carnation on the chest. "Lovely flower." I winked. "Was always me Mum's favourite. She always insisted I wear on when dressin' up." Paul cooed as he looked around to make sure Gin wasn't watching, pulling me into the house and placing a light kiss on my lips. "You look handsome." I told him. "We best get goin' though." I added. Paul gave Mike a hug and sent him back into the sitting room, and Paul and I made our way to the lawyers office. 

"Have ye heard from Stu?" Paul asked me as we walked. I handed him a cigarette and my lighter. "Nah, not since the other day. Probably busy plannin' the wedding, love." I told him. I wondered if Stu was going to attend mine and Paul's wedding. "Most likely, it's a hard thing t'do." Paul nodded in agreement as he puffed on his cigarette. "Are ye nervous?" I finally asked, noticing the long, drawn-out drags he had been taking on the cigarette. "A bit. I know we're not in any trouble, though. Just a bit stressful, y'know?" Paul admitted, throwing the cigarette out into a puddle. I thought I saw the sign for the lawyers office. I pulled my glasses out of my pocket and put them on. The sign read  _M. Edison, Attorney of Law._ Paul was smiling at me. "I wish you'd wear your glasses more, you can barely see yer own reflection without 'em." Paul chuckled. "They just bug me face." I told him. "Should keep 'em on, though. Might need to read paperwork or somethin'." I shrugged as we approached the building. Paul took a deep breath. "Ready?" I asked. He nodded and brushed my hand lightly with his. 

We entered the building and approached a young blonde woman sitting behind a desk. "Ah, you must be Mr. McCartney and Mr. Lennon. Right this way." She stood up and gestured for us to follow her. We entered a huge room made out of dark wood and deep velvet. It was not a typical sight for Liverpool. Paul and I both let our eyes wander before we heard a man's voice. "Lovely to finally meet you. I'm Maxwell Edison." The short man stuck out his hand. Paul shook first. "Paul McCartney, pleasure." He smiled. I shook his hand next. "John Lennon." I smiled awkwardly. "Please please, have a seat. I'm very glad you were able to make it." Maxwell began to say as we sat down in the two large chairs in front of his humungous desk. "Thank you for your help. We hope we aren't any trouble." Paul spoke shyly. I kept my eyes dancing back and forth between Maxwell and Paul. I was watching Paul for signs of him being too upset, or overwhelmed. "What do ye need from us today, Mr. Edison?" I asked, trying to sound more polite than my usual self. "I just need your perspective of the issue at hand, what you've suffered since then and of course what you would like to happen to Jim McCartney." As Maxwell stated Paul's fathers name, I watched his back stiffen. 

"Go on," Maxwell sat back in his chair after clicking the record button on a small little tape machine. I looked at Paul curiously, waiting. 

"It all started after me Mum passed away. Dad got on the drink hard, started resenting me and me brother Michael. He told me he was moving us to Scotland, and I utterly refused." Paul paused to take a breath. "Take your time" Maxwell reassured him. I placed my hand on his thigh secretively to calm him, remind him I was there. "He lost it. He beat me worse than ever before, broke a few of me ribs and smashed a dinner chair over my head leaving me with a concussion. I was in he hospital for a couple of weeks, missed out on a lot of school. Thankfully me Auntie Gin from London took Michael and I in, and I suppose that's it until we got home from Hamburg." Paul's voice became shaky and weak sounding. Maxwell nodded. "What happened when you arrived back in Liverpool from Hamburg?" He asked us. Paul looked at me, I assumed he wanted me to answer. 

"Jim showed up at their home on Forthlin Road. Started demandin' his kids and home back. Paul basically just told him to get the fu- I'm sorry, can swear on record now can I?" I chucked a bit. "Paul told him to leave and never come back. Paul and I took his younger brother Mike to school, y'know, and went our separate ways. Jim followed me, began t'blame me for Paul goin' stroppy on him and he stabbed me in the back with a pocket knife." I told Maxwell, trying to sound as calm as possible to keep Paul composed. "Horrible. Absolutely disgusting. I am sorry this happened to you, boys." Maxwell apologized, lighting a very fancy cigar. "Do you think the consequences of Jim McCartney's actions should be those of the fullest extent of the law?" Maxwell asked. It took me a moment to process what he had said, it seemed like a lot. I looked at Paul, awaiting his response. "I do." Paul nodded. "What about yourself, Mr. Lennon?" I nodded. 

"Good. Because what you might not realize, is what he did to both of you is attempted murder. He can go to jail for the rest of his natural life if we go about this trial correctly, boys." Maxwell told us, quite proudly. He stopped the recording. "We will move forward with the trial with you, sir." Paul announced, rather happy with his decision. I nodded in agreement. "Wonderful. I will get it all prepared and contact Jim's lawyer. I will contact you personally when we have our first court date." Maxwell said as he stood up, extending his hand. We both stood up to shake his hand. "Thank you, sir." I said. We were escorted back out of the office by the small woman. I lit up a cigarette for myself and Paul as we exited. 

"That man gets things done quickly, doesn't he?" I laughed a bit as I handed Paul the cigarette. Paul chucked and nodded. "Are ye okay?" I asked as the rain began to pick up. "Yeah. Much less than I expected." Paul half smiled as he spoke. "I don't wanna burst your bubble, but I think it's the trial that will be most difficult." I admitted, taking a long drag off my cigarette. "We'll do it together and it'll be grand." Paul smiled and took my hand for a moment. "HEY!" We heard a yell behind us. Paul jumped 50ft in the air as he spun around. A sopping wet George and Ritchie approached us. "What are you lads doin' all dressed up?" Ritchie asked. "Had the meeting with the lawyer." Paul answered, almost too quietly under the heavy rain. "Bloody hell, have ye been outside all mornin'?!" I asked, laughing at their wet-dog appearance. They both chuckled. "Just moved out of me parent's place to stay with Ritchie. Gotta be an adult and all, me Dad says. Old enough to run away to Hamburg, old enough to live on me own." George explained, flashing his big teeth. Paul smiled widely, I could tell he missed George. "Practice tomorrow? Whaddya say boys?" I asked, bumping Paul with my elbow. "Yeah! C'mon over t'mine and Geo's." Ritchie suggested. "We best go before we catch the bloody plague out here, though. See ye tomorrow!" Ritchie said. 

The boys turned around and waved, running back down the street toward Ritchie's flat. I laughed at the sight. Paul remained rather quiet as we continued walking in the cold rain. "Paul?" I said, nudging his side lightly. "We're gonna have to postpone the wedding, aren't we?" He said, sadness washed over his face. I sighed. "We might have to. Trust me, m'love, I don't want to." I said as we walked up to the door of his home. "Maybe we should get a flat... Like, our own." Paul said as he stepped inside the door, me close behind. "I'd love that. Let's aim to get married before the year is out, though." I kissed him finally when the door was closed.  "Mike?" Paul said quite loudly, trying to find out if his brother had made it to school. No answer. "Gin?" Followed shortly after. I kicked my shoes off and undid my tie. "I feel like we did a bunch of shit today, I'm just exhausted." I mumbled as I stretched. "C'mon, lets go lie down in me room." Paul grabbed my hand and brought me up to his bedroom. He opened the door like a gentleman, lifting the covers and crawling in against the wall. I lied down beside him and pulled him into my arms. "Wanna tell me what's goin' through that pretty little mind of your's?" I asked, almost feeling how fast his train of thought was on my chest. 

"No, love. I just want.... I just want to be here. With you. Y'know?" Paul said softly, nuzzling his face into my neck and getting comfortable. He was most obviously worn out mentally and emotionally. "I understand, m'love." I smiled to myself and placed a kiss on the top of his head. 

Things were looking up.

 


	28. There's A Place

~Paul's~ 

Two days seemed like an eternity while we waited for Mr. Edison to ring us back with the information of the trial. When he finally did call, he informed me that the first court date wouldn't be until October 20th, almost a month away. Mr. Edison told me he would call John to share the new himself, and I agreed. I waited for a phone call from John, but instead he showed up at my house. I was in the sitting room, with a sleeping Mike cuddled against my side. "Good evening, handsome." John whispered as he leaned in and gave me a quick kiss, sitting in the chair across the room. "You got the news, I suppose?" I whispered back, noticing Mike beginning to stir. John nodded, a smile spread from ear to ear. He stood up and kissed my forehead, leaning in and scooping Mike up into his arms. It was adorable to see how Mike clung to him, not waking up, just sleeping soundly on his shoulder. I watched him take Mike up the stairs to his room, as he did so I stretched and lied down on the couch. 

"I have a surprise for you, m'love." John said quietly as he returned. He squatted down beside my face on the floor. "What's that?" I asked, yawning quite aggressively. "I got a letter in the post from one of me aunts in Scotland. 100 pounds!" John said giddily. "100 pounds?!" I asked. "Yes sir," John nodded, leaning in and giving me a quick kiss. "Let's go to Paris." John whispered against my lips. I shot up. "Really?!" I asked. "Yes my love! Mimi already paid for our flight there. She thinks it's a nice little vacation before the trial, not a damn clue in her mind that I'll be marrying ye." John continued, sitting up on the couch beside me. "That's wonderful!" I flung my arms around him. "When do we leave?" I asked, not even remembering how tired I was. "Tomorrow morning." John smiled smugly. "Jesus Christ, John." I said, I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. "I knew you'd be excited." John observed. "Of course I'm bloody excited, John! We're gettin' married!" I kissed him a few times. "Did you tell anybody else? Ritchie and George? Stu?" I asked, pulling my arms off of him and leaning against his shoulder. "No, love. I think I just want the two of us to know for now." John told me, taking my hand on his lap. "Really?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. 

"Let's get some rest m'love. Early morning." John said, pulling me up onto my feet. "I'll have to tell Gin in the morning." I said quietly, following him up to my bedroom. "If she's up," John started as he opened the door for me. I crawled into my bed. "We've gotta leave fairly early. You might have to leave a note." John continued, crawling into bed next to me. I felt the warm embrace of his arms around me, almost as if he felt the need to protect me at all times. "Wow. I can't believe this is happening." I whispered. "Shh, m'love. We have an early morning, I want you to get some rest." John told me, placing a kiss on the top of my head. Soon, we both faded into a deep sleep.

...

"Paul," 

"Paulie, wake up love."

"Paul!" 

My eyes fluttered open to find John standing in the middle of my room with two bags. "I've already packed for you. C'mon, let's get goin'." I checked the clock, 4AM. "Jesus Christ, John. I'm not even bloody awake yet. Do we have time for a tea?" I asked. John shook his head and began pulling me out of the bed. "You can have tea on the plane, m'love!" He hurried me. I got dressed and wrote Gin a note. 

_Gin & Mike,_

_John and I have gone to Paris for a vacation before the trial._

_Xx_   
_Paul_

We took a taxi to the airport and it took all of my might not to hold John's hand the whole way there. When we finally arrived at the airport, I had felt completely calm until I saw the plane. I hated flying. John saw my face change, and touched my hand briefly but reassuringly. "I've got you, love." John whispered. My stomach kept flipping and I kept feeling dizzy the more I thought about getting on the damn thing. We checked our bags, and waited for our boarding call. John handed me some water. "Drink this. You're as white as a bloody ghost." John observed. "I fuckin' hate flying, John." I mumbled, taking a swig of the water. Before he could answer, we heard our boarding call. "Shit," I mumbled as I stood up beside him, gathering my identification and carry on. "Passport." The old man grunted to John and I. John smiled and handed his passport to him. The man stamped it, and then handed it back. He did the same to mine, as he did so I felt as though I was about to puke all over the poor grumpy old man. We headed to our seats, thankfully John took the window seat. "Are you okay Macca?" John asked as I sat down next to him. "I think I'll manage." I whispered. It was still dark outside, I noticed as I looked out the window over John. The plane had few people on it, almost one in our row. The stewardess brought us a blanket, which John draped over both of our knees. "Please prepare for take off." We heard the pilot say over a raspy old speaker. 

We did up our seatbelts, and I felt John grab my hand underneath the blanket. "It's going to be okay." John said quietly as I squeezed his hand. I closed my eyes tightly until we were up in the air, feeling my stomach flip ten times over. Once the plane was moving smoothly, I loosened my grip on John's hand. "See? All good!" John giggles a little bit as he shuffled himself closer to me. The lights were dim to accommodate the dark skies, and other passengers who were already attempting to sleep. I felt John's hand slip away from mine, and I glanced at him. He raised his eyebrow mischievously and reached around my arm so his hand was dangerously close to my crotch. "What are ye doin'?" I asked, sounding shocked and worried. "Shh, there's a blanket. Nobody will know." He whispered in my ear as I felt him begin to undo my trousers. "Oh my goodness John, we'll get caught." I mumbled, not really caring at this point. "Can I get you two another blanket?" A stewardess whispered as she ducked down beside me. "Yes please." John smiled, flattening his hand on my hardening cock so not to get caught. She brought us another blanket, and I draped it over the both of us again. 

John slid his hand inside my underwear and took me in his hand. "Excited?" He whispered as he stared ahead, acting as though nothing was going on. He began working my shaft up and down, slowly. I closed my eyes tightly again. "Fuck, Lennon." I let the words roll out of my mouth as he began to quicken his pace. Thankfully the lights were still dim, or it may have been extremely obvious that the man next to me was wanking me off. "Yer gonna fuck the shit out of me in Paris, McCartney." John growled lowly. Just the thought of that, hearing him say those words made my toes curl. "C-close," I whispered as he quickened his pace again. I kept my eyes closed and my toes curled. I was squeezing the arm of my seat and John's forearm tightly, ready to explode. "C'mon, Paulie." John's orders pushed me over the edge, and I spilled out all over his hand. "Fucking hell," I gasped as I finally opened my eyes to see him grinning. He grabbed the complimentary tissue box from the pocket on the back of the seat in front of us and cleaned himself off. "Naughty boy, you let yer knickers down on the bloody airplane!" John chuckled as he watched me maneuver my body to do up my trousers under the blanket. 

"Feel better now?" John asked, still smiling. "Yes, thank you." I chuckled too, and rested my head on his shoulder.  

...

"Paul, love. Wake up."

"Paul,"

"Paul! We're here!" I opened my eyes, waking up for the second time that morning. I briefly stretched and looked out the window, we had already landed and the view was not all that exciting at the moment. "Welcome to Paris, my bride to be." John chuckled. I nudged him and smiled. "Thank you for choosing British Airways." We heard over the speaker. We thought our way out of the airport was going to be a task, but finding out hotel was going to be even more difficult. "Let's just get a taxi!" I suggested. "Neither of us speak French love." John reminded me as he examined the map, which he held not even an inch away from his face. "Put your glasses on." I laughed and snatched the map from him. "Bloody hell John, the hotel is around the corner!" I laughed and threw the map into my side bag. "Look around us, Paul." John now had his glasses on, and he was peering around our surroundings with wide eyes. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" I smiled, staring at him. "Yer not even lookin'!" John shoved me a little as we got closer to the hotel. "I like the view of you better than any view in the world!" I giggled as we approached the hotel desk. "Uh, reservations under Lennon," John said slowly, hoping the clerk would understand. "Oui, here is your key." The young man answered in a thick French accent as he handed John a key. "Merci!" I smiled as we approach the lift. 

The minute the doors closed, John dropped his bags, placed both his hands on my cheeks and kissed me hard. I dropped my bags too, almost falling backward. I caught myself on the railing in the lift, using it to push myself into John. The lift made a beeping sound, and John nearly leapt off me, picking up his bags. I did the same, and the door opened to show a small man. We walked by him and he tipped his hat, smiling as the door of the lift shut. "Ah, this is us." John said, pointing to a door. He set his bags down and unlocked it. We walked into a gorgeous room, nearly all white and it even had a piano. "Wow..." I stood still and absolutely stunned. "Can you believe it? We're getting married." John said as he flopped down on the bed, flat on his back. "Seems pretty crazy. Do you think someday it'll be legal? Y'know, back home?" I asked, watching John sit up and root through his bag for his medication. "I'd like to think so, would make our lives a hell of a lot easier, now wouldn't it?" John chuckled as he got up and walked into the bathroom, filling a small paper cup with water and taking the pills. 

"But for now, m'love, it is legal. And I'm going to make the best of it." John told me, smiling. "Me too, baby." I kissed him, feeling the familiar fireworks in my stomach once more.

 


	29. If I Fell

~John's~

I woke up in our hotel room due to the bright Paris sun beaming through the window. This day was important, and nothing could mess it up for me or for Paul. I decided to take my medication then, and again later that night. Just to be sure. I noticed the bathroom door was shut, so I assumed Paul was in there. I knocked on the door. "Y'there, m'love?" I asked. "Don't come in!" Paul yelped from the other side of the door. I was confused and a bit worried now. "What's going on?" I knocked again, a little more aggressively. "It's just that, well," Paul opened the door a little bit and peered his head out, hiding his body. "What is it?" I asked, trying to see around the door. "I'm wearing my tux. It's bad luck to see it." I chuckled as Paul spoke. "I'm gonna see it in a few hours anyway, m'love." I tried to argue, picturing how dashing he must have looked. "I know, but just wait. For me. Ye best go off and get ready yourself." Paul nodded at me, gesturing for me to leave him alone. 

"Baby, you saw the place yesterday. It's pretty grotty." I reminded him, feeling a twang in my heart of guilt. I hated that I couldn't take Paul to a beautiful chapel to get married, like he deserved. "Everything will be perfect." Paul smiled pushing his head out of the crack in the door a bit more and pursing his lips. I smiled and kissed him. "I'll see you in a couple hours, handsome." I said as he closed the door. "See you. Soon-to-be Mr. McCartney." I heard Paul chuckle on the other side of the door again. "AY! We did not agree to me taking your last name!" I laughed too. 

I went into the sitting room and closed the separating door. I grabbed the long bag that was hanging by the window and unzipped it. I pulled out my tux and examined it. It was a nice typical black suit with a white shirt and slim black tie. I decided to pour myself a drink, knowing it would calm my nerves. I knew Paul's tux was going to be more exciting, and that's what I wanted. I wanted him to stand out, although nobody would be there to see us other than the man who would be marrying us. It seemed so odd to me that we were actually doing it, getting married. I imagined what it would be like if I hadn't been on my medication, what the voices would be telling me. I knew that it'd be nothing but negativity, and they would be trying to talk me out of it. Thank God Paul talked me into getting that appointment, or our relationship may not have lasted let alone come this far. 

After my third drink, I heard Paul rustling around in the other room. I realized the time, and almost jumped out of my skin. I had twenty minutes to clean myself up and get ready. I grabbed my tux, and leaned into the separating door. "Baby, I've got to use the washroom. Is it safe to come in?" I said loudly through the door. "One second!" I heard his loving voice yell. I waited a few moments before he gave me the okay. I walked through the door, and saw a lump hiding under the covers of the bed. "You're fuckin' adorable." I laughed and slapped what I assumed was his arse. "Bugger off, Mr. McCartney!" Paul giggled under the covers. I rolled my eyes and went into the bathroom. 

I changed into my tux and stared at my reflection for a while, thinking of how I was about to become a married man. I began combing my hair, slicking it back in my quiff with vaseline. I brushed my teeth to get rid of the beery scent, and smiled as I looked at myself once again. I was happy. I was ready. I straightened my tie before I heard Paul's voice behind the door. "I'm heading down there now, love. Don't be late!" He said, I could almost hear the smile on his face. "You got it, babe." I smiled, not taking my eyes off my reflection. Who would've thought that John Lennon, registered psycho, was getting married to his best mate?

I had a cigarette on the bed before deciding it was time for me to go down to the venue. As I entered the building, I remembered how horribly it smelt of stale beer and old cigarettes. But from that point on this room was going to be the most memorable room for the rest of my life. The man who was to marry us, Peter, stood at the alter, if you could even call it that. He was a very flamboyant gay man. "Good evening, Mr. Lennon!" Pete greeted me with a thick French accent. "Hello, Pete. Call me John." I smiled as I shook his hand. "I just spoke with Paul, he's ready when you are." As Pete spoke I felt my stomach fill with butterflies. It was really happening. "Paul told me you have your own vows prepared. I'm excited to hear them." Pete went on as he began getting himself ready, grabbing a thick book that I imagined was a bible. "W-what?" I asked, our own vows. Shit. I had forgotten to write my fucking vows. 

"Ready, John?" Pete asked, pointing to the spot beside him where I was to stand. I tried to slow my breathing. "Yes." I smiled nervously. I looked over to the door where Paul was going to enter, mentally preparing myself for his arrival. There was a guitar player sitting in the corner beside me, sitting with his classical guitar, who began playing some beautiful finger picking. The perfect sound. Suddenly the door opened, and I almost felt blinded by the man who entered. He was no less of an angel. His skin glowed, and his eyes were shining brighter than any star I'd ever seen. He walked in rather slowly, slower than I expected, giving me time to take it all in. His suit was also black with a slim black tie, but he wore a pink carnation on his chest. I smiled as I stared at it, being reminded of the young boy I had fallen in love with in Strawberry Fields.

As he finally stopped in front of me, he flashed his signature Paul McCartney smile. "Wow." I managed to say, my heart absolutely full. "I could say the same." Paul smiled as he spoke, looking me up and down. "Lovely. Shall I begin?" Pete asked. We both nodded. 

"Now, we are gathered here in this gross little room to join you, James Paul McCartney and you, John Winston Lennon in holy matrimony. Though it may be unholy in the eyes of some, to us it is sacred. You may now start your vows." Pete nodded toward Paul, who blinked nervously. "Ah, John. I promise you to be your friend, lover and partner against all else. The life we've had together has not been an easy one, it's been a long hard road, but with you by my side I know we can accomplish absolutely anything." Paul began to choke up, as did I. "I promise that on this day, I give you my heart, that I will walk with you hand in hand, wherever this crazy journey leads us. Living, learning and loving together. Forever." Paul smiled as he spoke, I could barely believe the words coming out of his mouth. I wanted to kiss him, but I knew I had to think on my feet now. I had no vows prepared. "Now, John." Pete gestured toward me. I took a deep breath. 

"Paul, I promise you that for the rest of my days, however long that may be, I will try in every way to be deserving of your love. You have been my best friend, my bandmate and my greatest challenge. But most importantly, you are the love of my life and you make me happier than I could ever imagine and more loved than I ever thought I deserved. Paul McCartney, you have made me a better person and for the rest of my life I want to thank you for that." 

Paul had a tear rolling down each cheek now, with a large smile spread across his face from ear to ear. I fought back tears, wanting to keep my composure for Paul. "Beautiful." Pete smiled. "The rings, Paul." He ordered. "Rings?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "I saved up. Count this as your birthday present from me." Paul grinned, wiping his eyes before reaching into his pocket and pulling out two matching gold rings. "I had 'em engraved." Paul told me as he handed me his ring. I examined it and saw  _Lennon-McCartney_ engraved in small cursive letters. "Paul.." I couldn't keep speaking, my voice choked up and I almost broke. 

He placed the ring on my finger, and I placed one on his. "John, do you take Paul to be your partner in sickness and in health?" 

"I do." I nodded with a huge smile on my face. 

"Paul?" Pete turned to him.

"I do." He choked up again. 

"I now pronounce you, partners. You may kiss." Pete smiled and stepped back. I grabbed Paul by the small of his back and pulled him into me as quickly as I could, crashing my lips onto his. I could feel both of us smiling against each other. When I finally pulled myself off of him, Pete and the guitar player began clapping. "Wow." Paul chuckled at the small audience. "Let's get out of here. Thank you, Pete." I said, shaking his hand. Pete shook Paul's hand and wished us the best. We thanked him and ran out of the venue holding hands, all the way back up to the hotel room, not caring who saw us. Paul quickly closed the door behind us and jumped up into my arms, wrapping his legs around my waist and giggling almost uncontrollably as he kissed me. "What are you on about?" I smiled as I asked into the kiss. "I just can't believe it!" He pulled away, his arms wrapped around my neck as he spoke. "Me neither." I agreed as he slid out of my arms. "What now?" He asked. We sat down on the bed, he kept both my hands in his. "Now we spend the rest of our lives together, Macca." I kissed his cheek lovingly. "You look so handsome." I added, looking down at his tux. "Look at you!" He smiled, looking down at my tux and then pointing to my hair. "I clean up when I have to, m'love." I winked at him. "I wrote a song, y'know, as a wedding present." Paul grinned as he stood up and grabbed his guitar out of its case. "You didn't." I laughed, almost feeling giddy. Paul fumbled on the guitar a bit before finally beginning to pluck a few chords and opening his beautiful mouth.

_If I fell in love with you_   
_Would you promise to be true_   
_And help me understand_   
_Cos I've been in love before_   
_And I found that love was more_   
_Than just holding hands_

_If I give my heart to you_   
_I must be sure_   
_From the very start_   
_That you would love me more than her_

_If I trust in you oh please_   
_Don't run and hide_   
_If I love you too oh please_   
_Don't hurt my pride like her_   
_Cos I couldn't stand the pain_   
_And I would be sad if our new love was in vain_

_So I hope you see that I_   
_Would love to love you_   
_And that she will cry_   
_When she learns we are two_   
_Cos I couldn't stand the pain_   
_And I would be sad if our new love was in vain_

_So I hope you see that I_   
_Would love to love you_   
_And that she will cry_   
_When she learns we are two_   
_If I fell in love with you._

 


	30. Tomorrow Never Knows

~Paul's~

A young man from Liverpool, who had been beaten, battered and stamped on his entire life had settled down and married the love of his life: another man. I couldn't believe my luck, and now here we stood at 2AM, standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. John's eyes were glistening as he stared up at the tall building. "Crazy, innit?" John mumbled, not taking his eyes away. I stared at him intently. "What is, my love?" I raised an eyebrow as I noticed just how serious he looked. "It's just, y'know, how small and irrelevant we are. Looking up at this bloody monster, it kinda makes all our problems seem like nothin'." John rambled a bit. "Quite deep of you, isn't it?" I tried to joke with him, but he was being serious. "It just makes me think, love." John replied, brushing his hand against mine. 

"You're not irrelevant. I think you could change the world if you wanted to." I told him as we began walking back toward the hotel. "I'd like to think so." John shook his head as he spoke, twisting around one last time to look at the Eiffel Tower. "I can't believe we have to go home in the morning." I complained. "I can't believe we got married." John chuckled, nudging my arm as we walked. I nodded in agreement. I wanted to remember this. I wanted to remember walking in the early morning with him underneath the stars of Paris, because lord knew what the future was going to bring for us. I was worried this would be one of our last happy memories, based on what could've happened at the trial.

"Stop thinking so much." John told me as he opened the door to the hotel for me. I smiled and giggled a little bit, loving the fact that he knew me that well. "Bed time, I believe." John grumbled as he threw his shirt on the ground and flopped down on the bed. "I'm not sure I want to leave." I complained again, lying down beside him. John quickly scooped me up into his arms and cuddled in close. "I love you so much, Paul." John said quietly, as if he thought I was already asleep. "I love you too." I whispered back. I lied in John's arms for quite some time, unable to fall asleep. John snored loudly, but that wasn't what was keeping me up. I was worried we had reached our peak. 

I had never felt so much happiness as I had during our days in Paris. It all seemed too surreal. We were okay, we were happy, and we were together. I figured it had to end sometime, right? That was just the way my mind worked. Nothing stayed perfect for long. I wiggled out of John's arms, and stood by the window, lighting a cigarette. I stared out at the sun as it began to make an appearance. I stood by the window and smoked, rotating from sitting on the floor to standing back up, and watched the sun fully rise on the Paris skyline. I had almost felt guilty for allowing myself to have such happiness in Paris, always thinking I hadn't really deserved it... that I hadn't really deserved John. But I felt so happy, and I wished all moments could feel the way that one did. I knew I had been worrying for all the wrong reasons, but for now I could forget about it. Until we were home, anyway.

"Macca?" I finally heard John's groggy voice come from the bed. I spun around and slowly approached him, sitting down on the bed next to him. "Are you alright?" John asked, his eyes barely open and sensitive to the light shining through the window. "I'm great, love." I smiled and leaned down to kiss his forehead. "Bloody hell," John said, sitting up to stretch. "Have you gotten any sleep?" He asked, his arms raised above his head as he spoke. "Nah, couldn't." I shook my head. "Do we have time for tea?" John asked, looking around for the clock. "Yes, love. Then let's get on that plane home." I tried to keep smiling to hide the fact that I was absolutely petrified of going home, back to the place that caused all the pain and suffering.

... 

"Doors locked." John said, puzzled, as he looked up at my house. I tried to peak into the windows, and even slide one of them open. "Quite late in the day to be out, but they must be." John shrugged, sitting down on the front stoop and lighting a cigarette. "It seems odd, Auntie Gin never locks the door John." I snatched the cigarette from him. John very well knew I wasn't giving it back either, so he shook his head and lit another one. "Don't worry yourself. We can head over to Mimi's if you like." John told me, patting the spot on the stoop next to him. "I'm to antsy." I shook my head and kept pacing back and forth in my front yard. 

"Flying really messes ye up, doesn't it?" John lied back on the stoop, looking up at the dimming sky. "S'not that, John." I bit at my thumb nail, trying to keep the cigarette away from my nose as I did so. I wanted to tell myself I was overthinking, and that I should just be happy. But the fact that I had started being panicked and worried in Paris made it even more real for me. Something must have been wrong. "What is it then, m'love?" John asked me, sitting back up and resting his arms on his knees, hunched over. I felt my breathing begin to quicken. "I'm just overwhelmed, I think." I admitted, hoping he would drop it. 

"All is well, m'love. We are happily married, we are safely home, and we are definitely going to make sure nothing goes down hill again. You have my word for it, Paul. Please calm down." John said with a soft voice. It was astonishing to me how quickly he picked up on my feelings and thoughts, and how well he could read me. "How'd you-" I tried to ask before he cut me off. "I know you, Macca. I haven't seen you as happy as you were in Paris for, well, hell. I've never seen you that happy before. But it obviously scared you, you're waiting for something bad to happen." John observed. The fact that he knew almost calmed me down. I sat down on the stoop next to him. 

He casually leaned back, putting his arm behind me and pressing his weight into it. It was his way of publicly showing affection without people thinking it was that kind of affection. "I'm being daft, aren't I?" I asked. John chuckled and shook his head. "Definitely not, m'love. With the shit we've been through, it wouldn't surprised me if something else happened just to kick us down." As John spoke, he realized the worry wash over my face. My eyes had widened and my lips had parted. "We are so much stronger now, Paul. Things are different." John began as he lit another cigarette. "But you have to remember there are going to be bumps in the road, and things will get hard. I'll promise you never to let them get as hard as they were, and I will be here. I will always be here." John spoke quietly by the end of his sweet little speech. 

"I hope you're right. The future is a bloody scary place, isn't it?" I asked, feeling quite calmed down by my new husband's words. "Tomorrow never knows." John smiled as he spoke, before puffing on his cigarette. 

"Hold on." John stood up and began digging in my garden. "John!" I laughed. "What in the hell are you doing?" I stood up too and put a finger in his belt loop, pulling him back up. John had his signature John Lennon grin spread across his face. "We've been sitting out here, waiting and whining about, and there's been a bloody emergency key here the entire time!" He laughed as he spoke. I rolled my eyes and snatched the key from him, opening up the door. John grabbed our bags, I grabbed my guitar case and we walked inside the empty house. "I wonder where they are." I mumbled, mostly to myself as John and I kicked off our shoes. "We can unpack tomorrow. Come lay with me." John set our bags down and took my hands, pulling me onto the couch. I lied back on his chest and felt him place a few scattered kisses on the top of my head. "What if Gin and Mike come home to find us cuddling and snogging on the couch?" I asked, chuckling because I knew he was too comfortable to care. "Mike won't mind. We'll just have to convince Gin that she was drunk or somethin'." John laughed at his own joke a little bit too long, before yawning and settling his chin on my head.

"You didn't even sleep on the way home, love." John mumbled into my hair. "I know." I yawned too, shifting my body to get more comfortable on him. He began running his fingers softly up and down my arm and began humming a simple tune. I closed my eyes and began focusing solely on how his touch felt and how his voice sounded. They were both such reassuring sounds. They reminded me of all the times he had truly been there for me, and as he had even said in his vows, I was his greatest challenge. His words rang in my head. 

 _I will always be here._ Would he? Of course he would..

 _We are so much stronger now, Paul._ Were we stronger, though? Or were we just used to the pain?

 _Things are different._ That I could believe, it was the length of time that it would be different that I was concerned about. 

John's nonsensical humming soon turned to soft snores, and he was asleep again. I was not far behind him, there. 

 _Tomorrow never knows._  

John was right. All I could do was relax, and try to trust that things were going to work out for Mike, Gin, Mimi, John and I. We had knocked one important thing off our list of to-do's: Get married. The next one was going to be a lot more difficult and a lot more mentally trying, exhausting and brutal: Send Jim McCartney to jail. I knew how terrible it would be to see him again, but to protect John, Mike, and even myself, I knew that this was something I had to do. And even if it was the last thing I did, I'd put Jim McCartney away for good.

 


	31. P.S. I Love You

 

~Paul's~

John and I lied in my bed all day holding each other. I had never felt something as good as the sex I had with John. He was sleeping now. I had never met someone who could sleep as much as John Lennon could. 

I slowly slid out of the bed, careful not to wake him up. I sat in my love seat across the room and admired him while he slept. Suddenly my bedroom door opened a little and there was a small knock. I began to panic, I hadn't heard anybody come into the house let alone come up the stairs. "H-hello?" I said hesitantly.  _Oh God, John wake up. Please wake up._ The door opened to reveal George. "Oh thank God. I've gotta put a bloody bell on you." I said quietly, still aware that John was asleep. "Sorry mate. What's John doin' sleepin' in yer bed?" George said as he came in and sat down beside me. "He doesn't sleep much." I lied nervously. I hated lying to George, he was my best friend after all. No matter how much I loved John, George has always been in my life. 

"Paul... What's going on with you and John?" He asked, crossing his legs on the cushion and facing me. "Nothin' Geo. He lost 'is Mum too, y'know. I guess we just share that depressing bond." I said trying to laugh in order to sound as nonchalant as possible. "You're lyin'." George mumbled, not taking his eyes off of me. "I'm not lying' Geo! What are ye' accusing me of?!" I said trying to sound defensive. George and I didn't know anybody at that time that was queer, so I didn't know how he would feel about it. John rolled over, my heart nearly stopped. I hoped we hadn't woke him up. "Fine, don't tell me then. I thought you trusted me, mate. After everything." George said, sounding hurt. I didn't know if he was trying to guilt me or he actually felt that way. 

"Geo..." I began, my heart racing now. I had to tell him, I hated lying. John had already mentioned to me that George seemed suspicious and as though he knew. "I'm gay." My palms were sweating profusely, I looked away from him, scared of his reaction. "John and I are... Y'know.." I had trouble confessing. Even though John had been in my life in that respect for a while, I had never said the words out loud to anybody other than John himself. "Together?" George finished my sentence. "Yeah... I'm sorry Geo." I nodded. 

"Well I can't say I'm shocked because I saw some weird connection between you and John from the get go. But I also dunno how I'm s'pose t'feel. Are you happy?" George asked me politely. "I am. I've never felt this happy before Geo." I said as I looked over at my sleeping John and smiled. George nodded. "S'pose he gave ye that ring then, yeah?" He looked down and pointed at my hand. "He did. Said I can't wear it on me ring finger though cause people would ask questions, y'know. But it's a promise ring I s'pose." I smiled as I spun the ring around my finger. 

"I really love him George." I said as I looked up at him. "And he obviously loves you." George flashed a smile at me, and looked over at John who was beginning to stir.  He stretched out and yawned, rolling over and facing us. "Oh, hullo." He said obviously surprised that George was there. "Hey John, sorry t'interrupt." George laughed slightly, almost as if to tell John he knew.

"Well the real reason I'm here is 'cause I think I've found us a drummer." George said contently. "Have ye? Whose that?" John asked, sitting up on my bed. "Well, I know none of us like him, but hear me out. It's Ritchie Starkey." I began shaking my head along with John. "No no no, hear me out! He's bloody petrified of Johnny here due to earlier today. But I went inta' the music room and 'e was playin' drums. Fantastic, he is. I think he would be a good asset. Anyroad, we talked for a a couple of hours and he seems like he's a nice guy. The tough guy we've seen is totally an act." George rambled on. "Dunno Geo." I said hesitantly. John had gone white with rage this morning because of that kid, I don't know if John -or the voices in his head for that matter- could be civil with Ritchie. 

"He'll have to audition and apologize to Paul." John said sternly. George nodded in agreement. "Are ye okay with this m'lov- Paul?" John caught himself in the middle of calling me my pet name. George smirked. "John, I told George." I confessed. John's eyes widened and he looked at George. "It's all good mate, honest. Yer secret is safe with me." George said as he motioned an X over his heart. John was very obviously uncomfortable, probably hearing voices.. 

" _John."_ I said sternly trying to snap him out of it. He made eye contact with me and smiled, his shoulders sinking down and relaxing. "Well, Harrison. Let's have him audition tonight. Ye want t'set it up mate?" John said, smiling at George now. George nodded in agreement, obviously content with the fact that John had given him an important duty for our so-called band.  

"Ay, how did ya get in here?" I asked George, raising my eyebrow. "Yer Auntie Gin was on her way back out when I got here, she said you must've been napping cause ye didn't answer yer door. Yer lucky she didn't walk in and catch you two cuddlin' er whatever else ye do." George laughed at himself and stood up, heading toward the door. "I'll call ye once I set this up with Ritchie. Play safe." George winked at me and left, heading down the stairs and out my front door.  I smiled. 

"What are you smiling about, handsome?" John asked me, quickly replacing George on the love seat beside me, putting his hand on my thigh, instantly sending electrifying tingles through my body. "I'm just happy." I laughed a little bit at myself. "I'm happy that you're happy." John laughed as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. I wanted to bring up him getting some help again, but I knew it would ruin his mood. He was just going to keep putting it off until it got too bad, I knew that. I had to be pushy about it. "John I wanted to ask you again about going to see a doctor..." I said, hesitantly. I waited for him to get defensive, or mad. 

"I'll make an appointment as long as you come with me."

I took a double take at John. Had I heard him right? "Wait, what?" I asked, sounding obviously shocked. "I can tell you're worried, Paul. But I can't handle it anymore either, I don't want to keep having mental breakdowns. I have to be strong, y'know, for you." John told me as he let a smile creep out the side of his mouth. "You don't have to be strong for me, Lennon." I told him, trying to sound defensive. "Paul, I know you're doing well right now but we both know you've got some work t'do.. mentally. I have to be here for you. I'm scared I'm gonna loose me marbles and hurt you, or end up killing meself 'er somethin'. But I don't want that. I need to be here for you, to live.... for you." John said shyly as he took my hand and began twirling my ring. 

My heart was beating so loudly I was sure John could hear. "I dunno what t'say..." I said quietly. "Ye don't have t'say anything, Paul. I just want you to know that. But, I do need you for this. Y'know the appointment." He mumbled. "I will be by your side the entire time, luv. I told ye we'll get through this together." I leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Can I use your phone? I'll call me doctor and see when I can get in..." John asked. I nodded, smiling still as he walked out of my bedroom to make his call. 

I was so proud of him. 

After the call he came back into my room looking pale. "What is it love?" I asked him sweetly. "Uhm, well I, ugh," John stuttered as he sat back down beside me. "John it's alright, what is it?" I asked again as I put my hand on his thigh. "I can go tomorrow." He finally blurted out. "That's great! The sooner the better, y'know." I said, trying to comfort him. "I didn't think it would be so soon. I don't want to hear what they could have to say, they could send me away, lock me up in a loony bin and then I'd never see you again--" John began to ramble. I cupped his face with my hands. "John look at me." I said sternly. He was still muttering nonsensical words, it was almost scary. "Baby, it's only me... C'mon." I finally got his attention and he snapped out of it. 

"I'm sorry Paul." John said sadly. "I'm not going to let anybody send you away or lock you up anywhere, you know that. I've got you now and I'm not about to let you go." I told him, not taking my hands away from his face.

"I'm scared, Paul." John whispered so that I could barely hear. "I've got you." I reassured him softly and pulled him into my chest. He grabbed the collar of my shirt tightly and snuggled into my neck. I leaned back onto the love seat, bringing him with me so he was lying down on my chest. John was clung to me as tightly as possible, and I loved that. I loved making him feel safe. 

We eventually dozed off again.

_"PAUL MCCARTNEY GET BACK HERE NOW!"  John was screaming. I was running away from him as fast as I could, but when I turned the corner, there stood John._

_His eyes were glazed over and almost looked black. His smile was cruel and scary. "Please don't hurt me." I began to beg._

_John grabbed my collar and lifted me off the ground with one hand. He raised his fist and it was coming for my face. I was preparing myself for the pain--_

"Paul! Wake up!" John was shaking me.

I opened my eyes and flinched when I saw him, feeling scared, but only for a moment. I buried my face in his chest and wrapped my arms around him. "What happened m'love?" John asked. "Bad dream, is all." I didn't want to tell him the truth. "You kept saying  _John stop!_.... Did I hurt you?" I sensed the worry in his voice. 

"It was just a dream John, I'm fine. We're fine." I assured him. "Well, before you started dreaming, George called. We've gotta go meet with him and Ritchie. Are you sure you're okay with that?" John asked, making sure I felt safe. I nodded and smiled. 

"Let's go." John said, attempting to get up off of the love seat. "No-wait!" I begged, pulling him back. I hated leaving private areas like this where we could be together,  _really_ together  like we both wanted and needed to be. "What is it?" John asked me soothingly as he squeezed me a little. 

"Don't let go of me." I whispered.

"Never, m'love."

 


	32. I've Just Seen A Face

~Paul's~

I woke up with a blistering headache. I had drank way too much the night before, trying to numb my stupid feelings. I walked down to the sitting room, noticing that Gin and Mike were still away. I hadn't expected them to be away for more than a night, but perhaps they had changed their minds. I looked into the kitchen and noticed two empty bottles of whiskey on the table. I rolled my eyes at myself and flopped down on the couch beside the phone, and dialled John.

"Hello?" Mimi answered the phone with her posh, polite voice. "Good morning, Mimi. It's Paul, is John 'round?" I asked. "Good afternoon, Paul." She corrected me, I glanced at the clock and realized it was definitely no longer morning. "My apologies, I have been asleep all day. But, is John there?" I asked again, feeling rather anxious to hear his voice. "You've missed him. He left a few hours ago to go see your little friend George, you can reach him there." Mimi informed me, leaving my heart sinking in my chest. "Thanks Mimi, sorry to bother you." I responded quietly. "No bother love. He seemed quite worried about you last night, please do call him." Mimi's voice softened. "Yes, Mimi. Thank you." I hung up the phone and stared at it for a few moments. Did I want to call George and Ritchie's flat?

I dialled. "Ello?" George answered on the second ring. "Geo, it's Paul. How's it going mate?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. "Not bad mate, are you sick as a dog today?" George chuckled on the other end. "Heard about that then, did ya?" I tried to chuckle back, palming my aching forehead. "John told us." George informed me. "Is he still 'round?" I asked hopefully. "Ehrm, no mate. He stopped by for a tea earlier, but he hasn't been here for a couple of hours now. All alright?" As George spoke I felt my heart sink even further down into my stomach. "Ah okay. I'm sure he'll come here eventually." I responded in a light voice. "Dunno, Paul. He seemed pretty off this mornin'. You sure you guys are alright?" George sounded worried now. "Don't worry, Geo." I smiled softly into the phone. "Talk soon, thanks." I hung up before I could hear his response. Where the fuck was John?

The trial was to start tomorrow, and how I did not want to do it anymore. I had began to loose faith in the entirety of it. Jim had made me feel less important than a spec of dirt most of my life, why would the judge see it any differently? He had a way of manipulating. He could make me seem like an ungrateful criminal who ran off to Germany. I just wanted John. I went to play with my wedding ring, as I had become accustom to doing when I felt anxious, and realized it wasn't there. I shut up off the couch and ran to the kitchen table. Thankfully, it lied on the table next to the empty bottles. "Fuck," I muttered as I slid it back on. As I stood at the table, I noticed a piece of scrap paper with a bunch of scribbles in my hand writing. I picked it up to see what I had written.

_John,_

_I'm sorry. I love you, but I can't keep going on._

_Xx_

_Paul_

I balled up the piece of paper and threw it in the trash. Was that suppose to be a break up note, or a suicide note? I was in a panic, and hell I needed John. I grabbed all the liquor that was in the house and dumped it down the drain. As I watched the strong liquid fade away down the drain, the strong smell piercing into my nose. I wanted to blame the strong smell for the tears rolling down my cheeks, but I knew that wasn't it. I was scared. I was always scared, and as the note stated, I didn't want to keep living that way. I heard a knock on the door. I quickly hid the empty bottles and made sure the piece of paper was under some other trash, not to be seen. I wiped my face and fixed my hair quickly, and headed for the door.

I opened the door to find absolutely nothing. Nobody. I looked down the street, in the garden, and nothing. "Bloody hell," I mumbled. Was I loosing my mind, or had someone actually knocked? Perhaps I had taken too long to get to the door. That must've been it. I grabbed my guitar and began strumming a song, when I heard a knock again. I quickly set the guitar down and ran to the door. I opened it and found George with a smile. "Hey mate!" He greeted. "H-hi," I said, moving to allow him inside. "Ye sounded rough on the phone so I thought I'd come check on ye." George smiled as he sat down in the kitchen. That boy practically lived in the kitchen. 

"Did you knock before?" I asked. George looked at me with a twisted smile. "What? I just did, Paul. You opened the door and let me in, and now we're here." George chuckled as he spoke. "Oh, well just before you got here someone knocked and then, well, nobody was there." I explained, realizing how crazy I must sound. "Probably just some kids playin' ye!" George said. I nodded in agreement. "Can I assume you'd like a biscuit and cuppa tea?" I smiled, feeling better with my friend around. "You know me so well." George winked. I began preparing tea and got a hold of Auntie Gin's biscuits. "So," I started as I sat back down, waiting for the kettle to boil. "What did John seem upset about this morning?" I asked. George's smile faded. I could tell he was uncomfortable, and now in the middle of something. 

"He was just worried, y'know. Y'were really knackered last night, 'e said." George shrugged. "You're hiding something." I blurted. George looked at me as if I had three heads. "Mate, he was at mine and Ritchie's flat for an hour, tops. He came in, 'ad a tea, talked about how knackered y'were, and then all of a sudden he up and left. That's it." George tried to calm me down. I shook my head, but jumped at the sound of the kettle. "What's got you so paranoid?" George asked. I poured him tea and sat back down. "Y'know I'm always paranoid." I tried to laugh but George just looked concerned. "I'm scared for the trial." I said. 

There was another knock on the door, causing me to jump. "Ye heard that one, didn't ye?!" I asked, standing up and pointing toward the door. "Ye, I did." George shook his head and chuckled before sipping his tea. "Yer suppose to answer the door when that happens." George was smug with his comment. I rolled my eyes. "D'ye mind gettin' it?" I asked. "Yer that paranoid?" George put his tea down and stood up. I half smiled as I watched him walk toward the door and grabbed his empty plate. I put it in the sink and began washing it lazily. "Paul?" I heard George's voice behind me. "Yeah?" I spun around with the wet, soapy plate in my hand to look at George. 

His face was pale and his hands were shaky. "I'm sorry," He said, walking toward me. Another man walked into the kitchen in a suit. "Hello. My name is Pete, and I'm the lawyer in representation stance of your father." Just as the man spoke, Jim McCartney walked around the corner in to the room. The plate in my hand slipped and shattered all over the floor. "Hi, son." He smiled. George was standing in front of me before everything faded. I could only stare ahead into nothing. Everything was black. 

"What do you want?" George's voice.

"We need to discuss the trial." Pete's voice.

"Neither of us are at liberty to discuss anything with you without our lawyer." George's voice. 

"Get out. Now." George's voice again. 

"Paul?" George. 

"Paul!" 

My eyes finally opened to see George's worried face . "George!" I sat up too quickly, my head felt light. "They're gone, mate." He told me. I lied back down on the couch and closed my eyes. "Fuckin' hell..." I felt George stand up and walk away. Jim's face kept flashing in my mind. "How am I suppose to sit in a court room with him?" I mumbled, before realizing George was on the phone. I opened my eyes and looked at him. His back was turned to me. "He's okay. Are you going to come over? Yes. Yeah, mate. I think he needs you right now. Alright. Ta. See ye soon." George hung up the phone and turned back to me. "Get some rest." He said, looking tired himself. 

"Who was that? Was that John? Is he coming?" I asked, sounding very obviously overwhelmed. "Paul, calm down." George tried to stay nice about it but I knew he was stressed. "You can go home, Geo. I'll be fine. I'm just overdramatic." I said, looking at him as he sat down across from me. "Paul, if I were you I wouldn't have passed out. I would've killed him." George said. "It took all of me NOT to kick his arse." George looked down at his hands. "I always make everybody else's life difficult. No wonder John is avoiding me." I rolled onto my side and faced the inside of the couch. 

"If I was avoiding you I wouldn't be here, now would I?" John's voice. 

I kicked my legs off the couch and stood up in front of him. "Are you okay?" John stared into my eyes the same way he always had. "Yes." I nodded slowly. He stuck his hand out, and as soon as I  took it he pulled me into his arms. He didn't squeeze, he just held me. "Did he hurt you?" John whispered into my ear. "No." I smiled at his concern. "Alright, alright. All he does is show up and he's the hero? Let's focus on the real hero. Me."  George said with a proud smirk, brushing imaginary dirt off of his shoulder. John released me from the hug, but kept a protective arm wrapped gently around my waist. 

"Thank you Geo." I smiled and chuckled at my younger friend. "I'm sorry I make your lives so difficult every single bloody day." I sighed and rested my head on John's shoulder. "Nonsense." George smiled and put his hand on my shoulder. "Yer like me older brother, Paul. I'll stick with ye till the bitter end." He told me. "Love ye, ye soft git."  I replied with a slight lump in my throat. "I'm gonna go home. See ye later lads." George said as he gathered a few of his things. We thanked him again, and watched him leave. 

John and I had decided not to talk about my melt down from the previous night until after the trial. All he needed to know was that it was about the trial, nothing to do with him. Which he was extremely relieved to hear. We were cuddled up in my small bed once again. "So, ye never said anything earlier... Not tryin' t'sound y'know, needy, or whatever, but when I said I was sorry for making your lives difficult. Y'know, I meant that mostly for you." I mumbled as I lied on his chest. "Sit up." John ordered. I was taken aback by the order, but I sat up and looked at him as he asked. 

"Paul McCartney, I told you when we were married that you were my greatest challenge. That's the truth. I love you, Paul. I love you more than you'll ever know." 

 


	33. Don't Let Me Down

The morning of the trial was like any other, regardless of the fact that Paul and I had to dress all posh and fancy like. He knew how much I hated it, and he milked it for sure. I popped my pill in my mouth and washed it down with a sip of water, waiting for Paul to finish primping and priming himself. So far, he seemed to be dealing with this well. It was the fact that we hadn't actually arrived at the courthouse yet that I was worried about. But, my Paul is strong.

"Ready, love!" Paul called as he trotted proudly down the stairs. "Beautiful." I smirked at him as I pulled him in for a quick kiss. Gin and Mike came down the stairs after him, and Paul pushed me away. I knew our relationship was a secret and always had to be, but Lord was it getting annoying. The drive to the courthouse felt like an eternity for me. I could only imagine what it felt like for Paul. I kept glancing at him and giving him reassuring smiles, and he would flash me a not-so-convincing smile back. But, he wasn't having a freak out or a break down and I had to be thankful and proud of him for that. When Gin finally found a bloody parking spot, it took all of me not to take Paul's hand and proudly walk into that courtroom like we owned the bloody place. Paul and I sat down at the front, Gin and Mike in the observers seats. "Ready, lads?" Mr. Edison greeted us as he sat down next to Paul. We both nodded hesitantly.

Paul's eyes made the same change they always did when he was feeling numb. I looked over to see what he had been staring at, and it was Jim being escorted in by his lawyer and a police officer. They sat parallel to us facing the Judge's bench. "M'love," I whispered, catching Paul's attention. "Thank you." He half smiled and tilted his head. I could tell that all either of us wanted was to kiss right there and then. "All rise," An officer announced. We stood as the Judge entered, and I brushed my hand lightly against Paul's. The touch was soothing. He brought his hand back to mine and pressed his knuckle against mine. The warmth of his hand almost brought my mind away from what was truly happening, this trial. I imagined Paul and I lying on our backs in Strawberry Fields as we had the first night everything happened for us. The way we fell asleep and woke up holding hands. Moments like those remind me to be strong for him, in moments like these.

"Be seated." The Judge ordered. She was a middle-aged woman with long blonde hair and a few wrinkles. We did as we were told, our hands still dangling at our sides so that our knuckles could secretly touch. "Mr. Edison, proceed." The judge gestured toward our lawyer. My stomach did a flip, and I watched Paul's face turn completely white. Mr. Edison stood up and walked up to stand in front of the Judge's bench and the jury. A small group of people I had never seen before, which made me assume they were from Blackpool. Everybody knows everybody in Liverpool. Guess they have to keep it anonymous, or whatever. "Good morning, ladies and gentleman. Let me introduce myself. My name is Mr. M. Edison, and I will be representing Mr. James Paul McCartney and Mr. John Winston Lennon throughout this important case." He gestured toward us as he spoke our names. I felt Jim's eyes on me, falling back and forth between myself and Paul. Paul stared ahead at Mr. Edison.

Mr. Edison was very good, and very smart. He turned back to the Judge and jury. "My reason for being here this morning is to help you anticipate what you will hear over the next few hours when listening to evidence. We have both of the victims and their witnesses here to make statements and I do trust that you, the jury, and Your Honor, will do your job to it's fullest extent and see that there is no other choice than to find the defendant guilty on all counts." Mr. Edison nodded a thank you to the Judge and sat back down next to Paul, who smiled at him. I had a feeling this was going to go well, regardless of how terrible it would be to hear Jim McCartney defend himself and try to win custody back of Mike. Mike. I spun my head around quickly to check on him. He was glued to Gin, staring at Paul and I. I gave him a small smile and thumbs up, and turned back around. "Will the defendant rise with your opening statement." The Judge pointed to Jim's lawyer, who then stood in the same spot Mr. Edison had.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Your Honor, we have been brought together today in regards to a tragedy that has taken place. An innocent man lost his wife to cancer." The lawyer referred to Paul's mother. I glanced over at him, but he didn't even flinch. "You or I could've easily succumb to this undeserving loss and would've dealt with it the same way Jim McCartney had. He tried to take care of his two sons on his own, with none to little help. When his oldest son began rebelling and acting out, Mr. McCartney Sr. felt unwanted and unloved. This is something that we can blame on our so called victim, Mr. McCartney Jr." The lawyer pointed at Paul, who did flinch this time. It took everything I had to stay seated and not pounce on the little bastard, but I needed to stay calm. For Paul.

"We would like to call Michael McCartney to the stand." Mr. Edison spoke up. Paul and I both watched as a small, young Mike made his way nervously up to the stand. It was horrible to me that they would put the poor lad up there on his own. But, when he moved, I noticed George and Ritchie sitting behind Gin. I half smiled, and focused my attention back on my young brother-in-law. "Michael, thank you for joining us!" Mr. Edison was sweet to Mike, thankfully. Paul had a very worried, protective look on his face. Who could blame him though, really? Mike only nodded back at Mr. Edison. "Do you remember when your Daddy started drinking?" Mr. Edison asked, leaning on the front of the stand in hopes that Mike would forget he was speaking in front of a room full of people. "N-no, sir. My Daddy always drank." Mike's small voice replied. "Okay, you're doing great." Mr. Edison gave him a high five, causing Paul to smile like a proud Poppa. "Do you remember when your Daddy started hitting your older brother, Paul?" Mr. Edison asked another question. Then another, then another. It got to the point where Mike was describing the day that Jim had hit Paul over the head with the chair, down to the nitty gritty details of blood and teeth and what the sound of ribs breaking sounds like. "I-I want Paul," Mike finally broke down into tears. Mr. Edison and the Judge allowed Mike down from the stand, where he ran over and jumped into Paul's arms and cried into his shoulder. "Shh, Mikey. I'm here." Paul was biting his bottom lip the way he always did when he was fighting back tears.

"We would like to call Mr. McCartney Sr. to the stand." The other lawyer spoke up, and the Judge nodded in approval. Here we go. Mike stayed on Paul's lap for this. "Mr. McCartney, you admit to hitting your son. But, you were ill. An alcoholic. Do you think you can be held responsible for these accusations?" His lawyer asked, pacing back and forth in front of our bench. "No, sir. I was under the influence of alcohol and dealing with severe depression." Jim replied with a nasty grin. "And your son, James, he was a troublesome child who caused you nothing but stress?" He asked. "Yes. He was always causing trouble at school and at home. Reckless and careless." Jim lied through his bloody teeth. I clenched my jaw in tension. But, Mike put his small little hand on top of mine and I felt my jaw release. "Objection." Mr. Edison spoke up. "We would like to call George Harrison to the stand. A long time family friend of the McCartney's." Mr. Edison gestured to where George and Ritchie were sitting. Jim limped his old arse back to his bench and sat down, but not before giving me a long, threatening glare. George made his way up to the stand, wearing a nice dress shirt and tie with his tight black pants. They reminded me of Hamburg, and I smiled at the younger lad, thankful for the fond memory and good mate.

"Mr. Harrison, how long have you known the McCartney family?" Mr. Edison asks with a kind tone. "All me life. Me Mum 'n Da' always had tea at the McCartney's, even before me 'n Paul were born." George's voice was shaky and nervous. Which, he had every right to feel. He glanced around the court room. It was rather large, but all of the benches, seats and people made it seem extremely small. "Can you remember Mr. McCartney Jr. ever being a troublesome child? At home, or at school?" Mr. Edison went on. "Well, y'know, all kids are a little troublesome. But Paul was always a sweet lad, me best mate, he is. Always has been. Only time he ever caused a problem at home was when 'e stood up for 'imself against 'is Da's fist." George was brutally honestly, causing an actual small reaction from the jury, which gave me more hope. Paul was bouncing Mike on his leg soothingly, but I could tell it was also due to his nerves. Mike's little hand was still on top of my now very sweaty hand. "And, Mr. McCartney Sr. stabbed your other mate, Mr. Lennon? Is that correct?" Mr. Edison pointed to me. As the words escaped his mouth, Mike tightened his grip and laced his fingers with mine, holding tight as if to tell me it was all okay.

"That is correct, sir." George nodded. "And why did he stab Mr. Lennon?" Mr. Edison crossed his arms and glanced briefly at the jury, and back to George. "Uh, well, Paul's Da' wanted them to move to Scotland. Paul said he didn't wanna go, and Jim needed someone to blame. So he blamed John, and attacked him." George explained, looking over to me with sorry eyes. I blinked at him to reassure him that we were all okay. "Thank you Mr. Harrison." Mr. Edison allowed George to go back and sit beside Ritchie, who definitely was hiding his tears, unlike Gin, who had been crying since the second Mike walked up to the stand. "Mr. McCartney Jr. Please come to the stand." Mr. Edison said with a smile, trying to keep his client calm. Paul picked Mike up and placed him over to me, on my lap. I wrapped my arms around his little tummy and held him close as Paul walked up and sat in the stand.

And then Paul had to tell the story from his point of view. Which is the story we all know, and hate. Hearing Paul tell every little detail made it seem as though I was reliving it, as I can imagine it made him feel, too. I could see everything playing out in my head. The bathtub. His black eyes. His cigarette burns. His broken bones. All of the horrible moments I had witnessed in Paul's life flashed before my bloody eyes. Thankfully, Mike was getting fidgety and brought me back down to Earth. I was extremely proud as I looked at Paul. He kept himself together quite well, better than I had expected, anyway. He had a few moments of tears where he couldn't speak anymore, but regardless, he did an amazing job. Once again, if only I could kiss him in front of all of these people. "I have heard enough." The Judge interrupted him with a stone cold expression. Paul seemed surprised by her cutting him off, just as we all did. "I would like to dismiss the jury, take a short recess and come back with a sentence. Thank you." The Judge banged her gavel rather loudly, and everybody dispersed. Mike went back to Gin, who took him to get some water. Paul and I sat on a little bench outside of the courthouse to have a smoke.

"I love you." I whispered as I lit the cigarette that was already hanging out of his mouth. He took in a long, drawn out drag and blew the smoke down toward our feet. "I love you too." Paul didn't look up at me. "You did amazing." I reassured him. "Wish I could reward ye." I nudged his side lightly with my elbow as I smoked my cigarette with the other hand. "She cut me off, though. Not a good sign." Paul objected. Before I could make a statement about that, Mr. Edison poked his head out of the door. "The jury has come to a final decision. The Judge is ready for sentencing. Are you.. Are you ready?" He asked in a concerned manner. I nodded, and poked Paul's arm. "Are you ready, babe?" I said quiet enough for Mr. Edison not to hear. "One second," Paul called back to him. He nodded and closed the door. Paul took a quick look around, before throwing his cigarette on the ground and crashing his lips against mine, wrapping his arms around my neck. I breathed in his heavenly scent and smiled into the kiss. When he unfortunately pulled away, he was smiling too. "Never let go of me." He whispered. "Never, m'love." I winked. We made our way back into the crowded court room.

"Let the jury state their finding and majority vote." The Judge gestured. "Here we go." Mr. Edison whispered as he shifted his body to face the jury. The jury representative stood up. Paul and I both held our breath, waiting for the decision to be announced. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, the way everybody turned their head toward the jury's bench, the way the jury representative fumbled with their papers and forms. Even the way Paul took a glance at me, seemed like an eternity.

We were about to find out a decision that could change our lives forever.


	34. Devil In Her Heart

~John's~

 

"You got bloody married?!" George shot up off his kitchen chair and onto his feet, running over to the doorway where I was standing and throwing his arms around me. "That we did!" I chuckled, hugging him back. "Sit down, sit down! Have a cuppa tea." George was nearly vibrating he was so happy. "I'm sorry Paul wasn't the one to tell ye." I apologized as I sat down with him at the table. "It's alright, mate! I can understand why it needed to be just between the two of ye." George brushed it off, and poured my tea.

"So tell me about it! I thought there might have been a reason for you two runnin' off so soon before the trial." George was extremely intrigued. I was never one to talk gushy shite. "Ah Paul will fill you in on all the soft details, Geo." I laughed, blowing on my tea. "Speaking of the trial.." I sighed. "You're nervous, huh?" George observed, crossing his legs and allowing his face to drop to a more serious expression. "'Course I am. But, you should see Paul. He's a nervous wreck." I went on.

"Sharing our emotions now, John? Thought you didn't dig the soft talk." George joked with me. "Nah I'm only joking, go on, mate." George went back to being serious. "Ah. He was just a shaky mess yesterday, mate." I explained. "Where is he now, then?" George asked, tilting his head like a small puppy. "He wanted t'spend some time with Mike and Gin. Although Gin said she's takin' Mike into Blackpool.. I think Paul just wants some time alone." I admitted, still worried for my husband. "Don't sweat that, John. We both know how Paul can get, he's a worrier. He's an anxious worrier, making it that much worse." George rambled a little bit. I knew he was right, but I couldn't help but worry.

"Yer right, 'e probably just wants some time to think, y'know, prepare himself." I nodded as I sipped on my hot tea. "I was meanin' t'ask Paul this, but I suppose yer just as good..." George began as he stood up to rinse out his now empty cup. "What's that?" I raised an eyebrow and him curiously. "Well, y'know, since I was there for pretty much the whole damned ordeal.. D'ye think Paul would want me to y'know, testify or whatever?" He asked as he sat back down. I smiled at the thought. That would help so much! Paul would feel much better with his best mate up on the stand with him. "George, I know it's not me place  t'say, but I think that's a bloody brilliant idea." I agreed excitedly. "Ye do?!" George asked, his eyes wide. "Yeah, mate. That would help our case substantially, plus I think it would help relax our Paul." I told him. I knew it would help. George had always been there for the both of us, but at the end of the day, he was always there for Paul.

"It makes me sick t'think there's even a slight chance that he won't be sentenced guilty." George added, looking sincerely sick to his stomach. "I think there's a 99% chance of him going away for good, mate. Don't you start worryin' on me, I've already got enough doubt on me hands dealin' with Paul." I tried to joke, but I was serious. I knew this was going to be a bumpy road for all of us. "Y'know I'm gonna worry, mate. You both almost died 'cause of this bastard." George so brutally reminded me. "I know. Those were horrible days, weren't they?" I chuckled a little bit to hide my uneasiness. "Seems like yesterday, though. You came into his life and changed it forever. I could never have done what you did." George became oddly serious. "What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled and concerned for his response. "I mean, you all of a sudden just cared so much. You're the reason he all-of-a-sudden had the courage to stand up t'his father and say no. Remember? When he was tellin' Paul 'n Mike they were moving to Scotland?" George asked, reminding me of the day my husband was almost beaten to death.

"Ye, I remember. Jim almost killed Paul for that. Can't say I'm proud for bein' the reason behind it..." I said with an odd tone, unsure of whether or not I was mad at George for saying that or not. "Nah, mate I don't mean it's your fault he got hurt. I mean you're responsible for giving the kid some damn respect for himself." George smiled slightly as he spoke. I looked at him with disbelief. "You know how Paul was treated at home and at school. If you were him, would you have any self respect either? Betcha' he doesn't think he deserves you." George hit the nail on the head with that one. I knew Paul, and I knew he felt that way. "Yer right. I'm worried because I don't think he sees what Jim did t'him t'be a big deal, y'know? Like just because it was him. If it had been Mike, it'd be different. I think he's worried the judge might see it the same way. If that makes sense." I tried to explain, realizing I was just spewing out my thoughts all at once on George. 

"No no, I know what you're tryin' t'say. But mate, I gotta say, when he has someone who loves him as much as you do... I don't think ye 'ave much t'worry about. He's gonna do this, and he's gonna do great." George smiled. Sometimes it was easily forgotten how George was younger than both Paul and I because of how wise he could be. He had such an old soul, and I loved that about him. "Thanks mate." I smiled at George as I spoke. "You two might want to consider telling Ritchie about ye two as well. He's gettin' suspicious." George warned me. "I'm not worried about Ritchie. We'll tell him soon. I'm sure he'll be coming to the trial, yeah?" I asked. "Of course he will! He's gotta be there to support you lads." George told me with a wide smile. "Y'know, I know that rubbish was hard on you too, Geo." I said in a low voice. "It was, yeah." George's smile faded rather quickly. "I know he's your husband now, but he's always been me best mate. I've almost watched him die one too many times, bloody hell, I dream about it still." George admitted, standing up to pour himself another cup of tea nervously. 

"George..." I tried to begin, but he wasn't finished yet. "I tried t'fuckin' help 'im, y'know?" He went on. He poured his tea down the drain and opened the cupboard, grabbing a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. I smirked at the sight. "I knew as soon as his Mum died that things weren't goin' well. Even told me Mum and Dad, they went over there to talk to Jim and he seemed as right as rain." He poured our glasses almost to the rim as he spoke. "Me parents were mad at me, can you believe that? They said I had accused a sorrowing man of abusing his son when all he was doing was mourning the loss of his wife." George took a large gulp, as did I, and we both made a twisted face at the cheap whiskey taste. "Not long after that, the bugger started comin' t'school with a black eye, or cigarette burns on 'is arms. Bloody teachers just thought 'e was gettin' bullied." George was pouring out his horrible memories of his best mate, my husband. It made my heart ache. "Finally I showed up at the McCartney's house unannounced. Which as you know, is quite unlike me. I was goin' t'knock, but I heard Mike screamin', 'e was just a wee baby then. I walked in and that was the first time I found Paul unconscious gettin' repeated blows to the head from his father." George stared down into his glass as he spoke.    
  


My heart was beating fast. I had never considered the fact that this whole situation didn't just mess up Paul, Mike and I, bu it had also clearly messed up our mate pretty bad. "Did Jim come at you?" I asked, the words slipping out of my mouth before I could stop them. I took a long drink from my cup, the same twisted face followed. "Nah. I grabbed Mike and ran home. Got me parents, and of course they called the police. Paul and Mike stayed with us for about a week until the police thought Jim was fit to go home, blamed it on Mary's death." George shook his head again. "D'ye think that's why he started drinkin' so much, though?" I asked, once again not controlling my filter. "Yeah, I do. But the resemblance between Paul and Mary was uncanny. I think it scared Jim, y'know?" George added and I finally watched his face soften. "You knew Mary?" I asked, with a hopeful voice. "Yes! Oh, John you would've loved Mary. Such a sweet woman she was." George smiled as he topped off both of our glasses.   


"Paul doesn't talk about 'er much." I said, noticing the alcohol begin to blur my vision even more so than it already was. I pulled my glasses out of my pocket and placed them on my face. "You don't talk about Julia much." George said. His words floored me, I hadn't expected him to bring up Julia. "Well Geo, I didn't know her very well." I sighed. I felt more comfortable now that I had some liquor in my system, otherwise I would've gotten defensive about Julia. "I know, but you should know you can talk about 'er." George tried to comfort me. I smiled at his attempt. I had never really had conversations like this with anybody but Paul, it was refreshing. 

"Julia was lovely. Unfit to be my mother, I guess. Or maybe I was unfit to be her son." I sighed as I spoke. "What makes ye say that?" George asked. "Well she was ill, y'know. She couldn't quite handle it. Of course she could when she remarried and had a whole new family. I'm glad I reconnected with 'er, but I also hate that I lost 'er twice." These words were some that I'd never said to anybody before. "I'm sorry, mate." George said, rather quietly. "Ah, it's all over now. I've got you guys for a family now. Dysfunctional and broken, but we're family mate." I smiled at him, watching a smile grow on his face too. I felt myself begin to choke up. I cleared my throat and took another swig of my drink. "So much for not gettin' soft." I laughed, George joining me.

"Well, Geo. As lovely as this as been, I best go check on my husband and make sure he's not gone stroppy on me." I said as I finished my drink, standing up and immediately feeling the alcohol in my wobbly legs. "Alright mate. Come by later, if you and Paul wanna help me finish this bottle to celebrate the secret wedding." George joked as he walked with me to the door. "Ta for everything, mate." I smiled, definitely drunk. "Aye, thank you." George nodded and watched me leave. 

It was raining lightly as I walked back to Paul's house, quite refreshing considering I was a little but drunk. I thought about what George had said felt quite guilty. I had never thought about how the whole situation may have effected him in the long run, and it obviously had substantially. I arrived at Paul's and opened the door quietly, realizing it was passed Mike's bedtime. I kicked off my shoes and peered around to see where Paul was. Gin must have been in bed, or else she would've been in her usual spot on the couch reading her books. Paul sat at the kitchen table, looking oddly similar to the scene I had just left at George's. He sat with a bottle of whiskey on the table and a glass, except he was alone. "M'love?" I called to him as I slowly entered the room. "Bad day?" I asked, sitting down across from him. Paul's eyes were blood shot, as if he had seen a ghost. "Paul, yer scarin' me. What's going on?" I asked, reaching across for his hands. He quickly pulled away, his sudden movement scared me. "Paul!" I almost shouted, being cautious of his sleeping family upstairs. 

"I can't do this, John." Paul finally looked up at me, revealing tears streaming down both of his cheeks. My heart nearly stopped, my drunken stomach flipped. "Can't do what?" I asked, noticing he was playing with his wedding ring. "No, what the hell do you mean?" I asked sounding a little more angry. "I can't..." Paul began sobbing into his hands. I looked at the bottle of whiskey on the table and noticed there was maybe only a shot left. He was knackered, more so than I was. "I'm going to stay at Mimi's tonight and I'll give you some space." I said as I stood up, heading toward the door. "John?" I heard his small voice say from behind me. I had to repress the anger I was feeling toward him right then. I turned around slowly. "Yes, Paul?" I said, trying to sound soft and sweet. 

"I love you."

"I love you too, m'love."


End file.
